A little about PPD and me

After posting a week and a half ago about PPD, I started to do some reading on the subject.  I realized in my reading that things were a little worse than I had thought.  I should have known, as I am having more trouble writing, sleeping, remembering basic things, and even just being myself.  I am sure it sounds strange that after so many years of dealing with depression on and off, one could be depressed and not know it, but that’s probably why the illness is so nasty.  It sneaks up on you gradually until one day you think, huh, things just aren’t right here.

I think one of the worst parts of my depression is the paranoia.  This is almost crippling as it results in me not reaching out to my friends and family for fear that they will/do think poorly of me.  I feel as if I show weakness, I will never be able to take it back and that is all everyone will ever see.  Everything I say will always be suspect or somehow less credible.  Quite counter-productive when I’m trying to get out of this fog.

My depression has morphed over the years.  It used to involve sadless, listlessness, excessive sleep, and headaches.  I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to ignore those feelings, so my symptoms morphed a bit.  Paranoia, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion, loss of appetite, confusion are more likely to occur now.  Worst of all, normal every day life is overwhelming and I often feel trapped.

Plans are still in place to get myself out of the house more and to exercise, but those things are kind of on the backburner until our household recovers from this nasty cold.  Additionally, I’ve realized that these small steps may not be enough at this point, so I’ll be talking to my doctor.

For anyone else out there looking for information and anecdotes, I found ppdconnect extremely helpful.

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Comments

  1. Talking to my doctor made all the difference. We don’t have to feel like this and even though it might be a life long illness, having it crop up in it’s particular form PPD, was alarming for me too. I thought, if I’m already chronically depressed how can I get more depression? Silly me, it didn’t work like that.

    So glad you are getting help from every resource you can and being vocal about it. The more we talk about it the less women will end up on the news and living in tragedy.

    *hugs*

  2. I suffered with hard PPD after the births of my sons. It still creeps up again and again. Having someone to talk to helps so much!

  3. When I started realizing and talking about my depression, your sage words were very comforting, especially as I felt my closer friends were ignoring me and my problem. It made all the difference to me. I wish I could do the same for you.

    Depression or not, I really admire you as a person and as a mother. Despite what you think, you have a pretty good handle on things, even your mental health, and I have learned a lot from you. I know you’ll find the right balance of things soon. In the meantime, don’t be so hard on yourself. So you’re human. So are we. We’re here for you.

    I don’t know if that’s what you wanted/needed to hear, but it’s what I truly feel.

  4. I can’t speak for the rest of the family or your friends, but you know you can always talk to me. I could never think poorly of you. I think it’s great how far you’ve come since you first started dealing with your depression, and I admire the fact that you’re so willing to work on your issues with depression. I think it’s good that you’re planning on talking to your doctor – I imagine talking to a third party with no emotional ties helps release some of the emotions that might be hard to get out with those close to you. But if you ever feel like talking to family, you know I’m here.

  5. Thank you for writing this. A family member is currently suffering from depression (not PPD) and it is very difficult thing – people need to know that it is an illness that can be treated and treated successfully…

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