Getting Lost With Ghosts

I wish I had better things to say. I wish I could say I’m doing a great job of handling everything that is going on right now. I do have good days and bad days – the bad days are taken over by anxiety attacks and depression, while my good days are still filled with weariness and worry. I’ve been burying myself in television and books to escape err, cope.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I look at the calendar several times each day to remind myself what day of the week it is. I forget to drink my coffee. Most nights I skip dinner. Last night I ate peanut butter cups.

My house is a disaster. And it smells. My cats ran out of food last night but I got home too late to get to the pet store for more. They are surely pissed off today. I need to fix the flat tire on my car, too. Oh, and go grocery shopping…

I took a day off last week sometime. I stayed in bed all day. I knew I had to move my car or risk getting a ticket. I went back to sleep instead. When I woke up, I peeked out the window and saw a ticket on my car, but I still couldn’t find it in myself to care. The idea of getting a second ticket didn’t even push me out the door…not until I realized David would be upset about it (we’d JUST talked about our expired parking permits a few days prior).

Things are a little better when Jack is with me. It gets me out of my head, I suppose. When he’s not here, I think about his treatment. It’s a few weeks until he starts the phase with eight different meds…it’s been a while since he’s spent time with kids his age…he needs to go to the dentist…we need to draw blood on XYZ days…I need to take a day off for his next treatment…when will he lose his hair…how will he handle it…is he doing too much activity…when will he end up back in the hospital…

It’s only been three months since his diagnosis – how long can I do this? I’ve been trying to think of ways to destress. Obviously this all has lit a fire under my PTSD. Usually when I’m stressed I take a trip, get away…but now I’m terrified to be away from Jack. Every time I try to make plans I just think about all the uncertainty ahead and how I’d rather just sit on the couch watching movies with him and snuggling under a blanket. I need to be here in case something happens.

I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. Jack’s been doing great. There have been no set-backs. Side-effects are few. In so many ways he is a normal kid. There will be an end to all of this. The end is three years away, though, and there will likely never be an end to my worry…

I need to keep going. There is so much that needs doing. I just need to stop getting lost in all of it and leave my ghosts behind.

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Comments

  1. Oh, sweetie. ๐Ÿ™ I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. This breaks my heart. Sending you love as always ((hugs))

  2. even if you cant get away maybe just getting a hotel downtown or in hmb might help. you wouldnt be far from jack and you could still “get away” from the house. big hug crystal. i am so sorry this is happening

  3. I don’t have any words to help, just want you to know I am thinking of you and your family. No child or parent should have to cope with what you are dealing with. You are in my thoughts. And prayers. And lots of hope. And I am sending some of our angels to hold your hand tonight.

  4. I wish I knew what to say, except I know there are no words to take the pain and stress and worry away. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you’ve got a lot of people closer to you to whom you can vent, but if you need another ear, I’m here. *hugs*

  5. I can’t even imagine how hard it is. I think you’re doing the best you can, the best you know how. And that’s enough. Maybe you eat peanut butter cups one day, maybe you spend a whole afternoon curled up in front of the glare of the TV. There is anything wrong with that. You’re there for him, always. Trying your best. Who cares if the floors are dirty?

  6. Wishing I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. Just know that you are not alone. Do your best to be kind to yourself.
    (Also, I like Cat’s suggestion of a mini getaway.)

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