I have a few bones to pick with you. You may not know this, but moms can’t actually DO and BE everything you want them to be and I think it’s time you recognize this.
For instance, I am not a piece of furniture. Please do not lounge on me or put your feet up on me. My shoulder is not a place for you to prop your elbow. My knee is not a stool. If you sit on my extended leg while it’s propped on an ottoman, it’s going to hurt me and drop you to the floor!
In that vein, I am also not a shelf onto which you can plop your Lego creations in order to display your artistic genius. Not only am I completely uneven but my lap, which isn’t very big to begin with, usually has a computer or a dog head in it. I would rather not be buried in Legos, as well. Seriously, I saw your alien/godzilla/robot/larva whatever and it was great. Now take it back to your room, please.
You may not know this, but I do not get paid anything to pick up the toys you leave all over the house, clothes you pile on the floor, plates and food scraps you leave on the table…in fact, no one in their right mind would hire me as a maid. The dog is better at cleaning up after you than I am. I don’t even want to know how much wax from the Babybel cheese rounds Lambert has eaten off your plate. And I’m kind of shocked the dog is still alive after the number of your leftover grapes he’s eaten! The next vet bill is totally your responsibility, dude.
Lest I forget, I must inform you that I am neither hostess nor waitress and our home is NOT a restaurant. Haven’t you noticed I don’t cook? And we don’t have daily specials – we have the same stuff in the refrigerator and pantry that we do everyday. You only eat maybe three combinations of meals, anyway, so it’s a waste of time for me to list out what we have. Why must you hear the full inventory before settling on the same thing you had yesterday?
Also? You never leave a tip.
I love you, dear, but I do hope you will take these items into consideration.
Your overwhelmed and overworked mom