I still tuck Jack in at night. We usually read two books before bed to help him wind down and then I turn off the lights, lay down with him, and we chat for a few minutes. Last night we had to skip reading books because he hadn’t done his homework at the after-school program. Homework ended up eating up the evening and I tucked him in after 9pm.
He didn’t think he could fall asleep without reading books. He told me that they helped him with his fears. He is so scared and he doesn’t even know why. I think it probably has a lot to do with all of the VERY BIG THINGS he has to handle at such a young age, along with his great imagination. The world can be big and scary when there is no end to your imagination and you know that bad things can happen to good people.
Like cancer to a child.
I looked at him, his eyes wide with fear while he tried to hold back tears. I told him he would be okay, that we would protect him. Nothing could come into our house and get him – he has parents and a big dog to keep watch.
We can’t keep cancer away, though. He knows that. His fear persists.
I studied his face, looking at the nose so like mine and the eyes just like his dad’s. Suddenly he looked so grown up to me, even with the fear and the tears. “You are growing up so fast,” I murmured.
The tears burst from him and he exclaimed in a panic, “I don’t want to be grown up already!”
“Oh, honey, don’t worry! You’re still a kid! You can take all the time you want to grow up! I know you’re still young – you just look big to me, especially next to your little brother. Don’t worry, you’re not grown up.”
That seemed to calm him somewhat.
Then we talked about getting ready for Christmas – picking out our tree this weekend and maybe watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. He’s never seen it, so I told him about what a dope Charlie Brown is and how he picks the worst, saddest little tree. Jack laughed out loud at that. Ridiculous Charlie Brown!
Then he said, “Maybe he picked that tree because he knew no one else would pick it. He was being nice.”
“I think you’re right,” I told him, and we said goodnight.