Some Joy

May 18, 2012 By 2 Comments

Considering the last time I mentioned a house, we were going to wait to look for House #5, this may be surprising to hear, but we’re in escrow on House #6. Mmhmm.

Number 5 came and went and then came 6. This lovely place is down the street from what we’re calling Mold House. It’s also a million times more awesome and the BEST house we’ve seen (in about 60 total). We were more than a little surprised when our offer was accepted. We weren’t surprised at all when the inspection was fabulous. THEN…then the appraisal came back at a bizarrely low amount and the whole thing nearly fell apart with our financing. We challenged the appraisal and after waiting on pins and needles for three and a half days, we finally heard back – the appraisal was revised. The house was once again in our reach if the sellers could meet us half way on bridging the gap in financing. And they DID! Yay!

We’re not out of the woods yet. We need the bank to approve our new financing. But we’re damned close! We should know for sure that everything is a go next week. We assume nothing until then!

Amidst this house drama, Jack lost his first tooth – one on the bottom. For some reason this makes us absurdly happy. I guess because it’s a sign he’s growing up even while fighting cancer. He’s living! And he’s damned cute with a missing tooth. He has a slight lisp and has trouble with S sounds at the moment. It’s adorable.

I also had a wonderful Mother’s Day! David and Jack made me breakfast in bed and then we went out to have fondue for lunch. I loved the pampering. We had our celebration a bit early so that Jack could have fun with his dad the next weekend while David and I took off for Sonoma. I got an incentive trip through a contact at work – two nights in a resort hotel plus wine tasting, dinner, and brunch – all free. We sprung for massages, too. I felt like I got two Mother’s Days!

Life isn’t all bad right now. I’m glad I get some relief, even if it’s hard won!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Family Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Eight Weeks

May 16, 2012 By 3 Comments

Tomorrow is the day. Jack starts the Delayed Intensification part of his treatment. It will last eight weeks and add at least eight medications (seven of those are chemotherapy) to the two he is taking now. He’ll take four medications at home – the rest he’ll receive through his Broviac catheter or by spinal injection. He’ll visit the clinic three times within the next ten days alone.

I’m terrified.

So far all of this has been relatively easy, all things considered. We’ve actually managed to forget sometimes that Jack is sick at all. This won’t be the case during this phase. He’ll almost certainly lose all of his hair and experience nausea and vomiting – at least five of the meds list those as likely side effects, not to mention weight loss. He’ll ache and he’ll be moody and he likely won’t sleep well. I can only hope he doesn’t experience the side effects that would result in long-term damage to his body.

I’m filled with dread. Jack’s tired already – we all are – and the hardest part hasn’t even started yet.

Please let these next eight weeks fly by.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

A Lot of Heart (sponsored)

May 1, 2012 By 2 Comments


This Mother’s Day, I’m working with Clever Girls Collective in support of Macy’s Heart of Haiti to shine a light on the “Trade, Not Aid” program, which provides sustainable income to Haitian artisans struggling to rebuild their lives and support their families after the 2010 earthquake. The program was launched by artist and social entrepreneur, Willa Shalit, The Clinton Bush Haiti Fund and Macy’s. Already, Heart of Haiti has led to employment of 750 artists in Haiti, providing financial benefits for an estimated 8,500 people in the country.

“You’re a cool mom.”

“Well, we’d been talking about it for a while and it’s better than taking him where there are a ton of people all crowded in and…”

“YOU’RE A COOL MOM, admit it!”

“Um. Okay, thank you. I try!”

This is the conversation I had with the nurse at the cancer clinic yesterday. I had recently taken Jack to Build-A-Bear and we came out with a cat dubbed Obi-Meow. I hadn’t intended to get clothing for the cat Jack wanted to make, but I couldn’t walk out of there without the Star Wars gear!

We went because the cat (Fluffy) Jack normally carries around seems to have had a tail incident. I could sew it back up, but it was a cheapy toy that I bought on clearance at the grocery store after Easter last year so a split tail is likely the beginning of the end…and anyway, we were looking for something fun to do together that wouldn’t wear Jack out completely.

So off we went. He absolutely wanted a cat no matter what and we quickly identified one. Jack made a wish on the heart (he wished they could be best friends always), we both kissed it, and then it was put it inside the cat before stuffing it. He then took it to the grooming station and brushed its fur. He can tell the story in detail and never forgets to mention the paw-shaped brush he used.

We tried Darth Vader clothes on the cat but they didn’t quite fit so we moved on to Jedi clothing. That was when we decided the cat should be named Obi-Meow. One of the employees found a light sabre for us, as well.

Jack takes Obi-Meow everywhere now. While heading out the door to the clinic yesterday, he said, “We can’t forget Obi-Meow! Remember when you said she’d want to go everywhere with me?”

Putting together and grooming his very own stuffed animal was special to Jack. He now has something he can take care of when everyone is busy taking care of him, and this has seemed to help his outlook. He’s been more cheerful lately and, while he won’t talk about his treatments or much else, he’ll tell all kinds of stories about Obi-Meow. Somehow that cat is reassuring to him.

Taking Jack to Build-a-Bear was an early Mother’s Day celebration for me. I didn’t get breakfast in bed or chocolate but I got to create a wonderful memory with my son. I saw him in a new light as he cared for his new friend, a friend that will sit with him through the upcoming challenges with his cancer treatment, a friend whose heart will remind him that his mom loves him.

That’s probably more cheesy than cool, but I’ll take it!

 

Heart of Haiti products are available online at Macy’s.com. Each item is a one-of-a-kind design and handmade by a Haitian master artisan from raw materials such as recycled oil drums, wrought iron, papier-mâché and stone. The collection features more than 40 home decor items including quilts, metalwork, ceramics, jewelry and paintings, and is made almost entirely from recycled and sustainable items such as old cement bags, cardboard, oil drums and local gommier wood.

Thank you to Macy’s Heart of Haiti for sponsoring my participation in this “Share Your Heart” promotion. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions expressed here are my own.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Gear, Holidays, Issues, Parenting 101, Shopping

Getting Lost With Ghosts

April 26, 2012 By 6 Comments

I wish I had better things to say. I wish I could say I’m doing a great job of handling everything that is going on right now. I do have good days and bad days – the bad days are taken over by anxiety attacks and depression, while my good days are still filled with weariness and worry. I’ve been burying myself in television and books to escape err, cope.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I look at the calendar several times each day to remind myself what day of the week it is. I forget to drink my coffee. Most nights I skip dinner. Last night I ate peanut butter cups.

My house is a disaster. And it smells. My cats ran out of food last night but I got home too late to get to the pet store for more. They are surely pissed off today. I need to fix the flat tire on my car, too. Oh, and go grocery shopping…

I took a day off last week sometime. I stayed in bed all day. I knew I had to move my car or risk getting a ticket. I went back to sleep instead. When I woke up, I peeked out the window and saw a ticket on my car, but I still couldn’t find it in myself to care. The idea of getting a second ticket didn’t even push me out the door…not until I realized David would be upset about it (we’d JUST talked about our expired parking permits a few days prior).

Things are a little better when Jack is with me. It gets me out of my head, I suppose. When he’s not here, I think about his treatment. It’s a few weeks until he starts the phase with eight different meds…it’s been a while since he’s spent time with kids his age…he needs to go to the dentist…we need to draw blood on XYZ days…I need to take a day off for his next treatment…when will he lose his hair…how will he handle it…is he doing too much activity…when will he end up back in the hospital…

It’s only been three months since his diagnosis – how long can I do this? I’ve been trying to think of ways to destress. Obviously this all has lit a fire under my PTSD. Usually when I’m stressed I take a trip, get away…but now I’m terrified to be away from Jack. Every time I try to make plans I just think about all the uncertainty ahead and how I’d rather just sit on the couch watching movies with him and snuggling under a blanket. I need to be here in case something happens.

I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. Jack’s been doing great. There have been no set-backs. Side-effects are few. In so many ways he is a normal kid. There will be an end to all of this. The end is three years away, though, and there will likely never be an end to my worry…

I need to keep going. There is so much that needs doing. I just need to stop getting lost in all of it and leave my ghosts behind.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Waiting For No. 5

April 17, 2012 By 1 Comment

The cancellation for our contract on the house was processed yesterday. We were willing to move forward if the sellers would work with us on a credit toward repairs, but they were adamantly opposed to budging one bit. We’re super disappointed. We spent money on the house already, we were supposed to move into it in a few weeks, we were emotionally invested…and after looking at 53 houses and making 4 offers, we were ready to be done looking. We are tired.

So now we sit back a bit and regroup. The housing market around here has dwindled and there isn’t much to look at currently. The bright side is we’ll have more time to save up more for a down payment, I guess…

Filed Under: Domesticating, Family Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Our New Fuzzy Friends

April 11, 2012 By 4 Comments

It’s not been a good week thus far. I went to three different hospitals four different times in less than 24 hours on Sunday/Monday. We drew Jack’s labs twice. And I lost count of the meltdowns Jack had.

We found out yesterday that the house we’re buying has a mold problem. We knew from the initial inspection there were drainage issues but expected those to be fairly easily addressed with a credit for closing costs. Our inspector recommended we get mold testing, though, just to be cautious, so we got a microbiologist out last Friday. Although there weren’t major problems visible to the naked eye, the air samples she took in two of the bedrooms (master & Jack’s proposed room) came back yesterday and showed that mold spores from the wet crawl space are getting into the house through the HVAC. The levels were pretty high and the heater hadn’t even been on!

The house is not habitable currently. The carpets will need to be torn out, the furnace replaced, all of the ducting replaced, and the whole place washed down and retested…oh and the drainage problem that started all this needs to be addressed, as well. If we go super cheap on everything that’s probably $9k.

In a normal sale this could be negotiated to be taken care of by the sellers; however, this is a short sale. That means nothing can be done to the house to correct these issues until escrow closes (April 27) and it will have to be done by us. We can get a credit toward closing costs but closing costs may be less than the cost of the repairs. If that’s the case, we will probably have to walk away from the house having flushed $1k in inspection costs down the drain…

If it all somehow works out with the credit covering the costs of repairs and we close on the expected April 27 date, it will likely be at least a week or two before we can get everything fixed, retested, and then move in. Waiting a couple of weeks isn’t too terrible – especially compared to losing the house altogether. We would just have to hope nothing ELSE shows up when we start pulling the place apart.

Our luck, thus far this year, has not been very good so I wouldn’t bet on things coming up rosy.

Filed Under: Domesticating Tagged With: , , , , , ,

HAWMC: Health Time Capsule

April 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This is my first post for WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do! You can find out more info on the WEGO Health website.

Today’s prompt is: Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you & your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think of it when they found it?

My health focus right now is mostly on the mental and staying sane. My son is battling Leukemia, my husband is back at work, I was given expanded responsibilities at work, and we are moving in a month. That’s enough to make any person crazy. Luckily, I’m already there so I think I have an advantage!

In my time capsule I’d have to put:

  • A picture of my husband and son. They both help me stay healthy. It’s for THEM that I stay healthy. I simply didn’t care about my health before I had Jack and David. I want to soak up as much time with them as possible. They are my motivation, pure and simple.
  • Prozac. This depression medication is not perfect but it has worked well enough for me for over three years now with the health of therapy. It has very few side effects and I don’t feel like a zombie on it.
  • My therapist’s business card. I see my therapist weekly and have been for about two years now (I had a different therapist prior to this). I’ve noticed that when I’ve skipped a week with him, I felt ready to explode.
  • A list of friend’s names and numbers. It’s a small list, for me, but it’s important. I know there are people who have my back at any time.
  • A few of my posts at Band Back Together. That site, and my work behind the scenes, means a lot to me. It remind me how far I’ve come when I read stories of individuals just beginning their mental health journey. I love helping others who are in places where I’ve been, too. If I can help someone else avoid any modicum of the heartache I’ve dealt with in my life, even if I never know about it, that makes me feel good.

I hope that anyone who opened my time capsule would see where my focus lies. I feel that as long as I have my mental health, I can get through anything. And when my mental health isn’t so good, I have resources and people to help pick me up and carry me through.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues Tagged With: , , , , ,

Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By 5 Comments

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Doing What I’m Doing

March 28, 2012 By 3 Comments

There is so much going on. In fact, my therapist suggested I’m doing too much. To which I heartily answered YES! I would love to do less! Unfortunately I don’t have that option. Welcome to my life, sir.

David started his new job this past Monday. So far it’s going great (I think). We’re trying to get some sort of routine going and rearrange schedules with Jack going to his dad’s and our dog going to doggie daycare in the mornings and then hanging with me at work in the afternoons. That’s been interesting! I’m having a bit of a hard time adjusting to seeing Jack less and seeing the dog more. :P

Things have certainly heated up in the house hunt! Saturday morning a house popped out of escrow and back on the market. Since it was in the school district we wanted and the neighborhood we had already had our hearts set on, we were all over it (even if we had put an offer on another house a few days earlier). David went to the open house on Sunday and when he got home and told me about it (I had been out with my friend Beth getting a much-needed pedicure), I decided I had to see it ASAP. I couldn’t reach our real estate agent (she was in a meeting) so I called up the agent listed on the flyer David had brought home and made arrangements to see the house that evening.

When we drove up to the house, my eyes widened as I recognized a guy I work with playing with is kids in the front yard of the house next door. Of all the houses we’ve looked at (52 or so) in all of the Bay Area cities (7!), we pull up to look at a house next door to a dude I sit 10 feet from at work? Furthermore, he has two boys, aged 6 and 8 who wanted to show me their airplane right off the bat. I am so looking forward to Jack playing with these kids.

The house itself is great. It’s not flashy but it’s comfortable and more than meets our needs. There are things in it that we all can enjoy! I’m super excited about the indoor laundry room and the fact that it has air conditioning. I haven’t had air conditioning in over 10 years! David loves the view and the double oven. Jack will likely be a fan of all the kids his age on the street and the fact that he gets to ride his bike in the partially paved backyard.

We put in our offer immediately and by the next evening we found out we had a house. WOOHOO!

The inspection takes place this Saturday and we move in a month. I’ll get through this by remembering all the hell we’re avoiding by getting out of our current residence! And the much shorter trips to the hospital with Jack. And the extra room so that we can actually have family and friends visit. And and and…

Jack health has been good and for that we are thankful. He did start into his next mini-phase and that is affecting his mood quite a bit. He’s had some serious meltdowns lately. Mood swings aren’t a noted side effect of the two chemo drugs he is getting, so I’m thinking it has to be a combination of fatigue and body aches making him grumpy. Between weakness and achy bones, he’s crawled to different rooms of the house on more than one occasion. Our Case Manager said we may want to think about physical therapy. It should be interesting trying to fit that in!

I know I’m doing too much (I have the fatigue to prove it) but can’t seem to find a quiet moment these days. I need a pause button on my life…

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Growing Up

Coming Down the Mountain

March 19, 2012 By 2 Comments

So, it seems I got a mild concussion while (attempting) skiing. Also I hurt my trapezius muscle so my doctor gave me  a prescription strength anti-inflammatory pain killer to help with the neck/shoulder pain. I think next time I go to Tahoe I’ll just head straight to a massage therapist rather than up or down any mountains.

The house hunt continues. We put an offer in on an awesome house in our ideal neighborhood and were outbid. I’m feeling a bit heartbroken over that. It helped me get over it (slightly) when the listing agent came back and asked us for a higher bid “in the 420k range” and when we asked for clarification, she came back with $440k. Um, lady, that is NOT the 420k range. Further, you’re insane mkay byyyye! So we are still looking and feeling pretty dejected at this point. I think we’re up to 43 houses viewed now. The market has stalled so it feels like we’ll be stuck in our shitty rental forever. Not fun! A few people have said inventory will pick up in spring; I surely hope so.

Between those things above and my incredibly stupid idea to try to gradually reduce my anti-depressant intake…I haven’t been doing well. Luckily I realized it fairly quickly and did an about-face with the med plan. It will take a little bit of time for my levels to return to normal…in the mean time I am trying not to get too down about all the stress and craziness (including our broken washing machine, our broken heater, and the lack of a suitable house to escape to).

With that said, things are looking up. David accepted a job and will be starting next week. YAY! We’re very excited! We so needed that change of luck!

Filed Under: Domesticating, Marriage
« Older Posts