Not Your Average Mother

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I know that is not unusual in the least, but my mom takes quirky to a new level, and I learned so much from her. She is not your average mother, and thus, neither am I.

This Mother’s Day, I thought I would share some of what my mom taught me, whether directly or through her actions. Some of what I learned from my mom is pretty badass (in my opinion), but there are also unexpected twists…

mom and daughter

My mother and me, circa 1998.

If someone tries to abduct you, even at gunpoint, scream. It’s better to be killed on the spot than to go through what they have planned. And you don’t want to have to live with the memories of what they will do to you.

Be assertive. Something is wrong with your order? Talk to the manager. If someone is sitting in the booth you want? Ask them to move.

Learn to type. If you can type, you can get a job. And having a job is very, very important so that you never have to rely on anyone.

Don’t trust anyone with your money. Your husband might very well drain the bank account and charge up the credit cards buying a fur coat (in Sacramento!) for his mistress. It’s best to have separate bank accounts. And make sure your paycheck can cover the bills entirely because your boyfriend may up and go to prison.

Keep calm and carry on. If you find out your boyfriend has committed atrocious crimes, stay calm and don’t let him know you’re onto him. Instead go immediately to the courthouse to get a restraining order and have your 6’4″ brother deliver it. Don’t tell said boyfriend why he is being kicked out. Later, work with police to get his confession to the crime recorded over the phone.

Okay, you can break down but only in the shower when you think your kids can’t hear you.

Plan ahead. Get your will and life insurance and safety deposit boxes in order, and then tell your kids all about it, even if they are preteens. “I added you to my bank account. If I die, you need to go withdraw all the money right away because otherwise it can get caught up in legal proceedings and it will take forever to get the money and it might even disappear.”

Pay attention to your maternal instincts! When your spidey sense starts telling you something isn’t right with your kids, listen. You might just show up in the middle of your kids getting a lesson about their dad’s drug use.

I think about these lessons from time to time and the depth of experience that comes with them. My mom has survived so much in her life and I can honestly say I look up to her a lot. At the same time, I hope to never have to share most of these lessons with my own kids.

With that said, I have my own history and quirks. Time will tell what kind of lessons my children will glean from me.

What about you? What life lessons have you learned from your mother that she may not have intended to teach you?

Trying to Figure it Out

Recently my doctor said he thinks I have ADHD. He said I could get a full assessment to be sure, but that the first treatment he would suggest to treat some of the depression and anxiety symptoms I’ve been struggling with would also address ADHD issues.

I was taken by surprise. At this point in my life, I hadn’t expected to add yet another thing to the list of labels and acronyms assigned to my mental health. The implications of this felt a bit overwhelming, and I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

I don’t like surprises.

I did some reading to try to process it all. Processing takes a while for me, even for things that seem simple. I have to gather tons of info, jumble it all around, chew it up, poke at it, and look at it again and again. That’s how I work and at this point in my life I’m mostly used to it. My first answer to a lot of things is often not the true one; it’s the reflexive one. I’m still working on my reflexes. I’m still trying to integrate my emotions and my intellect, two seemingly opposing forces.

The more reading I did, the more it all made sense to me. I reviewed the symptoms of ADHD and wondered how in the world I hadn’t seen it sooner (and why my prior doctors hadn’t suggested it). I talked to a friend who was surprised I hadn’t already been diagnosed – she had assumed I had because it was clear to her.

I have always thought I was a pretty self-aware person but this new information made me doubt that.

As I started looking at my struggles in a new light, I though about Jack and his struggles. And I felt guilt.

I should have found this out earlier. I should have known this about myself. And why didn’t I take it more seriously when Jack was diagnosed? Why didn’t I do more reading then? Why have I let him deal with this all on his own?

Intellectually I know why I didn’t do more reading and why I didn’t take it more seriously when Jack got the diagnosis a year and a half ago. I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed and wrung out after getting him through 3+ years of cancer treatment. Not to mention, I had a newish baby to take care of and was looking for a job. I couldn’t handle another thing at that point in time. I needed to take a breath.

That breath has lasted a lot longer than I anticipated.

As I said, my intellect and my emotions don’t always get along. They seem to each have their own separate timelines. So this may take a bit more time to process, but I will get there…I hope. In the mean time Jack and I will talk about our challenges and our strengths and maybe we’ll figure a few things out together. I’m sure he’ll teach me a few things along the way, as well.

Sometimes the challenges your kid faces are the very things that give you the kick in the pants to get your own shit together.

What the ACA Means to Average Americans

Last week I posted something to Facebook about how upsetting it was that the GOP is taking actions to dismantle the ACA. That post ended up in the trending topics on Facebook, and I had to turn it to friends only as a number of strangers and trolls decided to chime in. I was headed out of the house for the Women’s March and couldn’t address the ugliness entering my feed, so I put it on lock down.

I thought I would take the time here on my blog to post in more detail, though, and address some of the rhetoric I’m hearing out there. I can offer some additional insight into the issues since I’ve worked in the healthcare field (to be specific, I worked in the Administration and Finance department dealing with contracts, physician payments, and Board meetings). Others in the healthcare may have a different take, I suppose, but here is mine.

First, a note: There has been a lot of spin about what the Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Obamacare) is and why people want it. Republicans have lobbied hard against the ACA for years. Many people have forgotten that the original iteration of the ACA was torn apart by Republicans and what we were left with is just a shadow of what President Obama intended–literally, the bare minimum he could get through Congress. There are a lot of things wrong with the ACA, of course, and that is in large part because of the refusal of Republican lawmakers to work with Democrats during that time (and since). Some states were able to develop their own ACA-related programs to address the holes in the law, and some were not. So in many areas around the country, insurance companies have hiked rates because there is little or no consequence to them.

Ewokmama.com: Why we Need the ACA

Logistics of implementation aside, I want to make it clear that my support of the ACA is not about wanting free healthcare for my family. In fact, we don’t have insurance through the ACA programs. We have an employer-sponsored plan because we are lucky enough to be in good health and able to work. The unemployment rate is pretty low at the moment and my husband and I have pretty secure jobs (as secure as any job is these days).

With that said, the tenants of the ACA impact ALL healthcare plans. See this article for more on that.

When I use my family as an example of why we need the ACA, it’s because my family is pretty typical. Our circumstances are subject to change at any time, just as most Americans who don’t have a hoard of cash as a safety net. We are living paycheck to paycheck and have credit card debt and have experienced lay offs in the past. We have a house and cars, but those things could easily be taken from us if we hit hard times–just like so many other Americans.

There are many, many Americans who do not have employer-sponsored plans. Some are unable to work, perhaps due to illness or because they are caregivers. Some are self-employed or work with small companies that do not offer healthcare. Some have lost their jobs–most people I know have experienced a lay off at some point in their lives! The ACA is meant to help all of these people and prevent them from going into catastrophic debt from which they can never recover.

You can easily google “how much does cancer cost” and find out just how financially catastrophic that diagnosis can be.

And then there are those pre-existing conditions clauses. These do directly impact my family. My older son, a cancer survivor, is considered to have a pre-existing condition. That will never go away. He cannot hide it because he will need monitoring for the rest of his life to catch any other issues that cancer treatment causes. I have mild asthma and a history of mental health issues. My younger son has Reactive Airway Disease, which is often a precursor to asthma; he is only two–who knows what else will come up for him.

Prior to the ACA, even employer-sponsored healthcare plans could exclude us from coverage for periods of time. Prior to the ACA, and before I had employer-sponsored healthcare, I was denied private healthcare insurance due to a history of mild asthma and depression. I could not afford to pay for the medications to treat these health issues out of my pocket, so they went untreated.

When people cannot afford to take care of their health, that impacts their ability to work and be fully functioning members of society. Their health problems do not magically go away during that time!

Now let’s talk about hospitals. Did you know that if someone shows up in an Emergency Room, the hospital cannot deny them care even if they can’t pay? Some uninsured patients that show up in ERs are able to qualify for Medicaid (which, I might add, also doesn’t reimburse the hospital 100% for cost of care), but some are not. So many hospitals are taking on the cost of caring for uninsured or “under-insured” patients. If there is a large number of these people who need health services and cannot afford to pay for them, the hospital accrues large amounts of debt. The hospital has to then raise their rates for the rest of us to make up for the gap in operating costs.

And what happens if we refuse to pay those higher hospital bills? Well, in many cases those hospitals get shut down. This was a major issue for the Catholic hospital where I worked in rural northern California. It nearly shut down. Hundreds of people were laid off to keep it operating!

These issues snowball. Rural hospitals and facilities in debt have trouble hiring quality medical staff. The quality of care goes down. More mistakes are made and more lawsuits happen. People die, and costs continue to skyrocket.

This was happening in rural areas all over the country before the ACA. And these rural hospitals are still struggling due to key provisions missing from the ACA.

But if the ACA is repealed, it doesn’t fix any of these problems. We just go back to large numbers of people being uninsured or under-insured!

We need to fix the ACA. We need healthcare reform to hold insurance companies accountable–not a big gaping hole.

Please, call your representatives and demand they either KEEP THE ACA or develop SOME sort of bandaid in the mean time!

Why I Marched on Oakland

On January 21st, I marched in Oakland as part of the Women’s March on Washington. I know there are some out there who don’t understand what marching accomplishes. I don’t always know the answer to that, but sometimes you feel strongly about things going on in the world and you can’t sit there anymore and do nothing. Sometimes, marching just feels right.

It was a diverse group that marched in Oakland. It wasn’t only women; there were people of every color, size, shape, ability, gender, sexual orientation, and flavor. The reasons why participants marched were many and varied.

Jack and me at the march in Oakland. Photo © Rhea Avalos.

Jack and me at the march in Oakland. Photo © Rhea Avalos.

Here are the many reasons that I marched (with my son Jack) yesterday:

  • To show that I will not be a silent victim of Trump’s fascist agenda and toxicity.
  • Because every person who marches builds up a critical mass that results in 2.5 million people, which shows that we are not a small minority of people who are concerned with the dangers of a Trump administration.
  • To show support to every person who will be targeted and harmed by Trump’s agenda and toxic atmosphere for simply trying to live their life:
    • people of color
    • LGBTQIA people
    • women
    • immigrants
    • those in need of affordable healthcare and protections against pre-existing conditions clauses
    • children who deserve to go to school without worrying about gun violence
  • To feel solidarity with my fellow citizens who also want to build a better America–an America that is constantly improving and not trying to return to the past.
  • To be part of a movement so big that it cannot be ignored.
  • To show my children what freedom means.

I will keep marching because it means something to me and reminds me what it means to be an American.

Progress in Getting a Better IEP

After many years of back-and-forth with Jack’s school, we have finally gotten an IEP that I think we are all happy with!

For the first time since we started meeting with the educational team at the school back in 2013, they didn’t fight us on where Jack is academically. Everyone agreed that he is demonstrating the long-term effects of his cancer treatment. Everyone agreed that what we’ve been doing so far has not helped. Finally, the school accepted that the holes in Jack’s learning would not just magically fill up again now that chemo is done. They have conceded that Jack has a huge gap between intellectual ability and academic achievement in math due to processing problems (i.e. dyscalculia), memory, and attention issues.

fear of math

Does not compute… Photo © Jimmie, Creative Commons usage.

I can’t tell you what a relief it was to walk out of that IEP meeting last week and have plans in place – not just HOPE but plans.

Jack has four new goals written into his IEP, including learning to tell time*, learning to count money, practice basic math facts so that he can get 80% accuracy, and fraction learning in the resource room prior to learning it in the classroom. Accommodations will include shorter assignments, untimed classwork, and the teacher will make sure he understands instructions/repeats them back before left to do the assignments.

Jack previously had time one day per week in the Resource Room (which amounted to 75 minutes per month) along with two other students and no individual help. Now he’ll spend time three days per week in the Resource Room and one of those will be solo with the resource teacher!

It feels like the future is looking brighter! Even if these things don’t work, we’ll know more about whether Jack can learn certain things if taught in a different way or just…not at all.


* Jack has no concept of time – not hour of the day, not day of the week, etc. He can’t tell how long something takes or how much time has passed – whether it is nearing bedtime, whether it’s late or early in the day, or what day tomorrow is. He floats along and has to have everyone around him tell him what to do next. This makes time management impossible! Part of the problem is that he can’t hold onto information about sequences longer than maybe two steps (so even if he does know that today is Monday and tomorrow is Tuesday, he has no clue where those days fall in the sequence of the seven days of the week). Another part of the problem is that he has trouble with assigned meaning of things – i.e. a quarter is worth 25 cents because someone long ago decided that was the case; the value isn’t inherent to circular pieces of metal of that size. He can’t wrap his brain around that. It’s like it’s another language that he can’t comprehend – the language of sequences and numerical meaning.