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SOCS: Cozy And Safe

October 9, 2012 By

I’m having a terrible day. Jack is struggling to take his Maintenance medicines and I’m struggling to cope with that and all that it could potentially mean. When I saw this prompt on my friend Jana’s blog, I felt relieved to have something simple to write about and to be reminded of the things that help keep me sane…even if they are things that also drive me crazy.

Today’s (totally optional) prompt: What makes you feel cozy and safe?

Pajamas make me feel cozy and safe. Something about the warm, the softness, the bundled up feeling. Maybe it’s because I wear them while sleeping and so somehow associate them with feelings of safety while I’m unaware. I have countless pairs of pajamas in my drawers.

Curling up with my son or my husband, smelling skin and hair while sharing body warmth also makes me feel cozy and safe. If I can cuddle up with these two people, anything that is bothering me is eased.

Lastly, my cats – they actually give me a sense of security when I’m home alone. Not because I fear that someone might break in – my cats would be useless for that! – but because I creep myself out with thoughts about ghosts. I figure if there are any ghosts around, my cats are gonna see ‘em and take care of them for me – or at least warn me that they’re there. I know this is completely illogical but it helps me feel safe anyway!

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spell checking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over at Jana’s.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
Filed Under: Stream of Consciousness Sunday Tagged With: , 8 Comments

SOCS: Dreams Of My Father

August 19, 2012 By

Today’s topic is Dreams.

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After my dad died, I had dreams about him constantly. I doubt a night went by that I didn’t dream of him. Mostly these dreams were simple – just letting me know he existed or giving me a look of love. We didn’t talk. These dreams were always vivid and in color. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamed in black and white.

Yesterday I was driving in the car with Jack. The Eagles came on the radio and I shouted, “Noooooo!” before quickly changing the station. Jack asked why I had reacted that way, so I told him the story of how my dad used to play Eagles songs on his guitar while sitting in the park. Ever since my dad died (back in 1991) I can’t listen to an Eagles song without wanting to throw up.

“These songs make me miss my dad.”

Telling Jack this brought back emotions that I haven’t felt for years. I finally made peace with my dad’s death around the time I got pregnant with Jack. This year in June, for probably the first time ever, I didn’t even think about the anniversary of his death. Still, with this one sentence, I felt his loss again.

It didn’t make me sad to access those feelings again, though. Instead, I was proud of myself for remembering him, for still feeling that connection, for being able to carry on and yet still be human.

I miss my dad, but I’m okay. I don’t need to dream about him anymore to know he loved me.

I still refuse to listen to The Eagles, though.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over at Jana’s place.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
Filed Under: About Me, Family, Stream of Consciousness Sunday Tagged With: , , , , , 5 Comments

SOCS: Eight More Weeks

July 29, 2012 By

Today’s optional prompt is: anticipation.

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There are eight more weeks of active treatment (Consolidation) for Jack before official remission. Which means about nine more weeks until Maintenance. THIS is what I’m anticipating.

I’m going to ignore the fact that Maintenance therapy lasts 2+ years. I’m just happy that in a manner of two months, life will get a little bit more normal. We’ll go from weekly blood draws and several clinic trips per month to once a month. Neutropenic periods will be few and far between (if they pop up at all). Jack can go to school again! He won’t be spending 90% of his time with only adults.

We’ll still have daily things like Broviac line flushes and probably the continuance of a couple of medications. But that is nothing compared to what we’ve been through the last (nearly) seven months – lumbar punctures, spinal taps, chemo infusions with multiple drugs, pills pills pills, hair loss…

I’m anticipating seeing my kiddo with a full head of hair again and a more rosy flush to his cheeks. I’m looking forward to less aches, a more stable mood (for all of us), and seeing Jack pack some meat onto his bones.

I’ve never anticipated something so much.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over on Jana’s blog.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Stream of Consciousness Sunday Tagged With: , , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Stream Of Consciousness Sunday: Challenges

July 8, 2012 By

Here’s the prompt for today: Write about a time that you were challenged.

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I feel challenged nearly every day.

Sometimes it’s my son who challenges me. He chatters non-stop and demands that I give him my opinion on whether a fly-ig (flying pig) would like salami or why the blue monster on Toca Kitchen Monsters hates broccoli. He begs me to play Scooby Doo with him, something I find particularly challenging, as I never really played as a kid. The mere act of holding those little dolls and enacting a mystery investigation makes me feel enormously uncomfortable. It’s a challenge to engage as a child would because I don’t remember ever being one.

Many times my relationships with others are a challenge. I find myself surrounded by those who have difficult lives – such as mine has been – and it’s a challenge to be a supportive and good friend while still taking care of myself. It’s an even bigger challenge to believe that I’m not a shitty friend when I must pull back to take care of things in my own life.

Work is a challenge. I report to three executives and they often have conflicting requests for my time. I feel a lot of stress – in fact, Administrative Assistants have one of the top 10 stressful jobs (categorized here as event coordinator – which is just part of my job)…

Life is challenging. I suppose it would be boring otherwise.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Filed Under: Carnivals, Stream of Consciousness Sunday Tagged With: , , , , , 2 Comments

Truthiness Day 30: My Love Letter

November 8, 2010 By

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

This is not an easy letter to write.  I definitely have a love/hate relationship with you.  I’m hoping the scale tips to more love as I age and get more therapy.  For now, here are the things I can say I love about you without reservation.

I love your ability to mobilize and get things done.  Once you have a clear task in front of you, it’s pretty awesome to see how it all comes together.  You also make it look pretty easy.  It’s like you have an invisible map or set of directions that only you can see.

Your ability to produce an amazing little kid is awesome.  I love you for your part in that.

I love your survival instinct.  Somehow you manage to navigate out of bad situations and keep yourself protected.  Somehow you ended up making it to a good spot in life despite the background from which you came.  You are also in pretty good working condition, considering…

You are very skilled at analysis and breaking situations down into simpler pieces.  I like that you can see both the facts and the emotions that are influencing people.  It’s a great thing that you can accept the feelings of others even if you can’t do anything about them – that may help them more than you, but it is still admirable.

I love your goofiness, sense of humor, and willingness to laugh at your own jokes (after all, someone has to!).  You never lost it, even when you were teased about it.  The expressiveness that goes along with the sense of humor is fantastic, too, although I could do without the forehead wrinkles.

Your hips, butt, and boobs are all pretty great.

Um…yeah.  I can’t come up with anything else.  Maybe because I value your modesty, as well.  ;)

Love,
Crystal

That’s the last of them!  Whew, that was tough.  If you  missed any of my posts in this series, you can check them all out under the “30 Days of Truth” category.

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Truthiness Day 29: Make it go away

November 5, 2010 By

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to do away with this facial expression that I often make:

Pursed lips and narrowed eyes…  This is a facial expression I learned from my mom; she has gotten to the point where she has this look on her face almost constantly.  Sure, it doesn’t look so bad here but it gets worse, especially when the occasion is not a happy one.  It’s a look that says “there is some emotion or thought I am trying to keep locked up but I am failing miserably.”  It serves no good purpose and it’s just plain unattractive.

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Truthiness Day 28: Ankle Biter

November 4, 2010 By

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got someone pregnant, that would just be freaking weird.  I guess I’d try to sell my story to the highest bidder.

If I were pregnant, I’d feel irritated at the waste of taking birth control pills.  I’d also be a little bit surprised that I had conceived unintentionally despite the combination of the pill and my wonky reproductive system.  I would also not be too surprised because I’m uber-paranoid about this type of thing.  I pretty much test weekly and have a stash of 50 pregnancy tests under the sink that I bought from Amazon in bulk…hey, I think this is the responsible thing to do when you’re a regular wine drinker and take other medications that aren’t so great for pregnancy.  Okay, fine.  I’m also slightly neurotic.

Other than that, I’d be both cautiously happy and freaking out.  Having a second child in this house is far from ideal due to a lack of space and the constantly barking dogs who live upstairs that would totally drive me mad when they wake up my newborn.  We’ve already decided that it would be better if Jack didn’t have to share a room with a sibling because he will be going back and forth between our house and his dad’s – he needs a space that is strictly his own.  We aren’t ready to move out of this house right now because the rent is dirt cheap for the area and Jack’s daycare is half a mile away.  The other rentals in our area are both more expensive and smaller and we don’t have a dime for a down payment on a house right now.

Idealistic thoughts aside, we’d totally make it work.  We’re good at planning, arranging, and we generally come out on top.  We want another child but unless it happens by accident we will probably end up planning the crap out of it and so who the hell knows when it will actually happen (although I’m aiming for before I turn 40).

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Filed Under: 30 Days of Truth, Family, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Truthiness Day 27: Sweetest Thing

November 3, 2010 By

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

It’s kinda funny to me that I have to write this one today because I’m in an epically bad mood.  I went to sleep too late last night with a migraine, woke up too early (it was pitch black still!  how could it be morning?), was antagonized not long after and the day was not much better from there.  There isn’t a whole lot of positivity going on in my brain today.  Instead I keep thinking about outstanding parking tickets and those people who think that everyone fits into either the conservative/Republican or liberal/Democrat boxes.  I love it when someone either pretends I am non-existent or says I am something that I’m not, don’t you?

Still, despite the black cloud over my head today I am functioning.  I can work and I can write.  I can pay bills and vote.  I can still love and hug and laugh (although it is harder).  I can eat cupcakes and drink wine if I so desire (or sweet tarts and vitamin water, if you insist on accuracy).  I don’t have a headache, which is a change from yesterday.  I have a wonderful husband (even if he does antagonize me in the morning) and child (even if he headbutts me almost daily) whom I love with all of my heart.

I have my life and livelihood and that’s a lot.

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Truthiness Day 26: Giving Up

November 2, 2010 By

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I’ve thought about giving up on life a lot over the nearly 30 years I’ve been alive.  I doubt there is a month that goes by when it hasn’t crossed my mind.  I’ve called the mental health help line.  I’ve been taken to the emergency room.  I’ve taken too many sleeping pills after an argument.  I’ve asked people to keep an eye on me because I didn’t trust myself.

Why?  I have Major Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have been on and off meds since the age of 14 (I’ve been on for the past two and a half years now).  I’ve had many instances of my mental illness flaring up.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason at all.  Sometimes there is a reason – like a miscarriage or painful memories from childhood that feel too overwhelming.

So yeah, I think about it.  But I also think about my family when I think about giving up.  I appeal to the part of myself that can’t help but take care of others.  I remind myself that giving up would be the opposite of taking care of Jack or David.  Sometimes I can’t care about myself, but I can *always* care about others and the people I care about are my lifeline.

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Truthiness Day 25: I’m Alive

November 1, 2010 By

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Well, I guess the short answer would be because I haven’t died yet.  DUH.  Other than that, I think there are a couple factors…

  1. I’m a pretty safe and responsible person who doesn’t engage in risky behavior.  I’ve been in one car accident in the entire time I’ve driven – and that was the other guy’s fault (he was at a stop sign, I was halfway through making my left turn when he T-Boned me).  In high school I even got a medal for my performance in my Health & Driver’s Ed class (I still find that funny).
  2. I have a kid.  I’m not allowed to die, at least while he depends on me!
  3. I don’t talk to strangers and I have a good street “don’t talk to me or I might scream at you for no reason” face.
  4. My uncle pulled me out of the pool that one time when I almost drowned.
  5. I aggressively seek help for my illnesses.
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