Truthiness Day 30: My Love Letter

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

This is not an easy letter to write.  I definitely have a love/hate relationship with you.  I’m hoping the scale tips to more love as I age and get more therapy.  For now, here are the things I can say I love about you without reservation.

I love your ability to mobilize and get things done.  Once you have a clear task in front of you, it’s pretty awesome to see how it all comes together.  You also make it look pretty easy.  It’s like you have an invisible map or set of directions that only you can see.

Your ability to produce an amazing little kid is awesome.  I love you for your part in that.

I love your survival instinct.  Somehow you manage to navigate out of bad situations and keep yourself protected.  Somehow you ended up making it to a good spot in life despite the background from which you came.  You are also in pretty good working condition, considering…

You are very skilled at analysis and breaking situations down into simpler pieces.  I like that you can see both the facts and the emotions that are influencing people.  It’s a great thing that you can accept the feelings of others even if you can’t do anything about them – that may help them more than you, but it is still admirable.

I love your goofiness, sense of humor, and willingness to laugh at your own jokes (after all, someone has to!).  You never lost it, even when you were teased about it.  The expressiveness that goes along with the sense of humor is fantastic, too, although I could do without the forehead wrinkles.

Your hips, butt, and boobs are all pretty great.

Um…yeah.  I can’t come up with anything else.  Maybe because I value your modesty, as well.  😉

Love,
Crystal

That’s the last of them!  Whew, that was tough.  If you  missed any of my posts in this series, you can check them all out under the “30 Days of Truth” category.

Truthiness Day 29: Make it go away

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to do away with this facial expression that I often make:

Pursed lips and narrowed eyes…  This is a facial expression I learned from my mom; she has gotten to the point where she has this look on her face almost constantly.  Sure, it doesn’t look so bad here but it gets worse, especially when the occasion is not a happy one.  It’s a look that says “there is some emotion or thought I am trying to keep locked up but I am failing miserably.”  It serves no good purpose and it’s just plain unattractive.

Truthiness Day 28: Ankle Biter

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got someone pregnant, that would just be freaking weird.  I guess I’d try to sell my story to the highest bidder.

If I were pregnant, I’d feel irritated at the waste of taking birth control pills.  I’d also be a little bit surprised that I had conceived unintentionally despite the combination of the pill and my wonky reproductive system.  I would also not be too surprised because I’m uber-paranoid about this type of thing.  I pretty much test weekly and have a stash of 50 pregnancy tests under the sink that I bought from Amazon in bulk…hey, I think this is the responsible thing to do when you’re a regular wine drinker and take other medications that aren’t so great for pregnancy.  Okay, fine.  I’m also slightly neurotic.

Other than that, I’d be both cautiously happy and freaking out.  Having a second child in this house is far from ideal due to a lack of space and the constantly barking dogs who live upstairs that would totally drive me mad when they wake up my newborn.  We’ve already decided that it would be better if Jack didn’t have to share a room with a sibling because he will be going back and forth between our house and his dad’s – he needs a space that is strictly his own.  We aren’t ready to move out of this house right now because the rent is dirt cheap for the area and Jack’s daycare is half a mile away.  The other rentals in our area are both more expensive and smaller and we don’t have a dime for a down payment on a house right now.

Idealistic thoughts aside, we’d totally make it work.  We’re good at planning, arranging, and we generally come out on top.  We want another child but unless it happens by accident we will probably end up planning the crap out of it and so who the hell knows when it will actually happen (although I’m aiming for before I turn 40).

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Truthiness Day 27: Sweetest Thing

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

It’s kinda funny to me that I have to write this one today because I’m in an epically bad mood.  I went to sleep too late last night with a migraine, woke up too early (it was pitch black still!  how could it be morning?), was antagonized not long after and the day was not much better from there.  There isn’t a whole lot of positivity going on in my brain today.  Instead I keep thinking about outstanding parking tickets and those people who think that everyone fits into either the conservative/Republican or liberal/Democrat boxes.  I love it when someone either pretends I am non-existent or says I am something that I’m not, don’t you?

Still, despite the black cloud over my head today I am functioning.  I can work and I can write.  I can pay bills and vote.  I can still love and hug and laugh (although it is harder).  I can eat cupcakes and drink wine if I so desire (or sweet tarts and vitamin water, if you insist on accuracy).  I don’t have a headache, which is a change from yesterday.  I have a wonderful husband (even if he does antagonize me in the morning) and child (even if he headbutts me almost daily) whom I love with all of my heart.

I have my life and livelihood and that’s a lot.

Truthiness Day 26: Giving Up

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I’ve thought about giving up on life a lot over the nearly 30 years I’ve been alive.  I doubt there is a month that goes by when it hasn’t crossed my mind.  I’ve called the mental health help line.  I’ve been taken to the emergency room.  I’ve taken too many sleeping pills after an argument.  I’ve asked people to keep an eye on me because I didn’t trust myself.

Why?  I have Major Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have been on and off meds since the age of 14 (I’ve been on for the past two and a half years now).  I’ve had many instances of my mental illness flaring up.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason at all.  Sometimes there is a reason – like a miscarriage or painful memories from childhood that feel too overwhelming.

So yeah, I think about it.  But I also think about my family when I think about giving up.  I appeal to the part of myself that can’t help but take care of others.  I remind myself that giving up would be the opposite of taking care of Jack or David.  Sometimes I can’t care about myself, but I can *always* care about others and the people I care about are my lifeline.

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