SOCS: Cozy And Safe

I’m having a terrible day. Jack is struggling to take his Maintenance medicines and I’m struggling to cope with that and all that it could potentially mean. When I saw this prompt on my friend Jana’s blog, I felt relieved to have something simple to write about and to be reminded of the things that help keep me sane…even if they are things that also drive me crazy.

Today’s (totally optional) prompt: What makes you feel cozy and safe?

Pajamas make me feel cozy and safe. Something about the warm, the softness, the bundled up feeling. Maybe it’s because I wear them while sleeping and so somehow associate them with feelings of safety while I’m unaware. I have countless pairs of pajamas in my drawers.

Curling up with my son or my husband, smelling skin and hair while sharing body warmth also makes me feel cozy and safe. If I can cuddle up with these two people, anything that is bothering me is eased.

Lastly, my cats – they actually give me a sense of security when I’m home alone. Not because I fear that someone might break in – my cats would be useless for that! – but because I creep myself out with thoughts about ghosts. I figure if there are any ghosts around, my cats are gonna see ’em and take care of them for me – or at least warn me that they’re there. I know this is completely illogical but it helps me feel safe anyway!

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spell checking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over at Jana’s.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

SOCS: Dreams Of My Father

Today’s topic is Dreams.

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After my dad died, I had dreams about him constantly. I doubt a night went by that I didn’t dream of him. Mostly these dreams were simple – just letting me know he existed or giving me a look of love. We didn’t talk. These dreams were always vivid and in color. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamed in black and white.

Yesterday I was driving in the car with Jack. The Eagles came on the radio and I shouted, “Noooooo!” before quickly changing the station. Jack asked why I had reacted that way, so I told him the story of how my dad used to play Eagles songs on his guitar while sitting in the park. Ever since my dad died (back in 1991) I can’t listen to an Eagles song without wanting to throw up.

“These songs make me miss my dad.”

Telling Jack this brought back emotions that I haven’t felt for years. I finally made peace with my dad’s death around the time I got pregnant with Jack. This year in June, for probably the first time ever, I didn’t even think about the anniversary of his death. Still, with this one sentence, I felt his loss again.

It didn’t make me sad to access those feelings again, though. Instead, I was proud of myself for remembering him, for still feeling that connection, for being able to carry on and yet still be human.

I miss my dad, but I’m okay. I don’t need to dream about him anymore to know he loved me.

I still refuse to listen to The Eagles, though.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over at Jana’s place.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

SOCS: Eight More Weeks

Today’s optional prompt is: anticipation.

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There are eight more weeks of active treatment (Consolidation) for Jack before official remission. Which means about nine more weeks until Maintenance. THIS is what I’m anticipating.

I’m going to ignore the fact that Maintenance therapy lasts 2+ years. I’m just happy that in a manner of two months, life will get a little bit more normal. We’ll go from weekly blood draws and several clinic trips per month to once a month. Neutropenic periods will be few and far between (if they pop up at all). Jack can go to school again! He won’t be spending 90% of his time with only adults.

We’ll still have daily things like Broviac line flushes and probably the continuance of a couple of medications. But that is nothing compared to what we’ve been through the last (nearly) seven months – lumbar punctures, spinal taps, chemo infusions with multiple drugs, pills pills pills, hair loss…

I’m anticipating seeing my kiddo with a full head of hair again and a more rosy flush to his cheeks. I’m looking forward to less aches, a more stable mood (for all of us), and seeing Jack pack some meat onto his bones.

I’ve never anticipated something so much.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over on Jana’s blog.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Stream Of Consciousness Sunday: Challenges

Here’s the prompt for today: Write about a time that you were challenged.

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I feel challenged nearly every day.

Sometimes it’s my son who challenges me. He chatters non-stop and demands that I give him my opinion on whether a fly-ig (flying pig) would like salami or why the blue monster on Toca Kitchen Monsters hates broccoli. He begs me to play Scooby Doo with him, something I find particularly challenging, as I never really played as a kid. The mere act of holding those little dolls and enacting a mystery investigation makes me feel enormously uncomfortable. It’s a challenge to engage as a child would because I don’t remember ever being one.

Many times my relationships with others are a challenge. I find myself surrounded by those who have difficult lives – such as mine has been – and it’s a challenge to be a supportive and good friend while still taking care of myself. It’s an even bigger challenge to believe that I’m not a shitty friend when I must pull back to take care of things in my own life.

Work is a challenge. I report to three executives and they often have conflicting requests for my time. I feel a lot of stress – in fact, Administrative Assistants have one of the top 10 stressful jobs (categorized here as event coordinator – which is just part of my job)…

Life is challenging. I suppose it would be boring otherwise.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Truthiness Day 30: My Love Letter

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

This is not an easy letter to write.  I definitely have a love/hate relationship with you.  I’m hoping the scale tips to more love as I age and get more therapy.  For now, here are the things I can say I love about you without reservation.

I love your ability to mobilize and get things done.  Once you have a clear task in front of you, it’s pretty awesome to see how it all comes together.  You also make it look pretty easy.  It’s like you have an invisible map or set of directions that only you can see.

Your ability to produce an amazing little kid is awesome.  I love you for your part in that.

I love your survival instinct.  Somehow you manage to navigate out of bad situations and keep yourself protected.  Somehow you ended up making it to a good spot in life despite the background from which you came.  You are also in pretty good working condition, considering…

You are very skilled at analysis and breaking situations down into simpler pieces.  I like that you can see both the facts and the emotions that are influencing people.  It’s a great thing that you can accept the feelings of others even if you can’t do anything about them – that may help them more than you, but it is still admirable.

I love your goofiness, sense of humor, and willingness to laugh at your own jokes (after all, someone has to!).  You never lost it, even when you were teased about it.  The expressiveness that goes along with the sense of humor is fantastic, too, although I could do without the forehead wrinkles.

Your hips, butt, and boobs are all pretty great.

Um…yeah.  I can’t come up with anything else.  Maybe because I value your modesty, as well.  😉

Love,
Crystal

That’s the last of them!  Whew, that was tough.  If you  missed any of my posts in this series, you can check them all out under the “30 Days of Truth” category.