Mixed Bag

October 31, 2011 By 4 Comments

We had Jack’s parent/teacher conference almost two weeks ago and things since then have been fairly calm.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that Jack knows we adults are working together to keep him in line or if we are all just being more organized and routine about everything.  In any case, the conference was pretty positive, even with the mixed bag of “your kid is brilliant but he has trouble staying motivated to finish his projects.”  His kindergarten teacher is willing to let him read special books that we provide if it will encourage him to finish his work, and she is supposed to be moving his desk so that he sits near some girls who are better at finishing their work and cleaning their desks.  We’re hoping their habits rub off on him.

School went really well last week.  Jack got a happy note every single day!  Woo hoo!  We no longer hear “I hate school!” all the time.  One morning when we were running late and I had to break the news that Jack wouldn’t get any playtime prior to the bell ringing, Jack surprised me with, “Well, Mom, that’s okay! I’ll have recess later!”

So things seem to be improving there.  I’m cautiously optimistic because, as the parenting gods have taught me, as soon as you say something positive about how well things are going, it all falls apart.

Honestly, though, things aren’t exactly going GREAT.  My husband lost his job on Friday and that is also a mixed bag.  The job was pretty awful and causing major stress to him and us so it’s not like we’re sad.  I’d been encouraging him to look elsewhere for some time but, as I’m sure many of you know, it can be difficult to look for work while working full time, taking classes, and dealing with family stuff.  In any case, the job ended rather unceremoniously on Friday and we traded the stress of him having a shitty job for the stress of him having no job.  We are angry at his ex-employers yet relieved he doesn’t have to go back there.  We’re happy that he has plenty of time to find a new job now but worried that the lack of job will be a liability in getting a job.  And, of course, the financial implications are not fun to think about.  That house we wanted is now pushed further into the future.  But what are ya gonna do?

As for my mom’s health, her various organ and head scans came back clear and so it doesn’t look like she has any evil diseases lurking.  She got a hysterectomy Friday so she is recovering from that and once I am both less stressed and less ill (I spent a good month transitioning to a new preventative migraine med; now I’m fighting off my second cold in 6 weeks) I will go visit her.

So, that’s life lately.  This, and my work with Band Back Together.  We went non-profit, did you hear?  We got our state designation and have applied for federal recognition.  I’m on the Board of Directors, as well.  I’m damned proud of the growth over there.  If you don’t know what the heck it is – I encourage you to check it out.  It’s a group blog where we invite everyone to submit stories survival and get support and kudos for being all ‘eye of the tiger.’  We have stories about post partum depression, cancer, bullying, friendship, hope, single parenting, caregiver burnout, etc. and are expanding all the time.  I would like to formally invite you to join our Band.

By the way, Happy Halloween.  I’ll be over here eating candy corn and peanut M&Ms.

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All Grown Up and Nowhere to Hide

September 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

I keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out.  It’s been the same with talking.  David told me to talk the other night and I didn’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll begin here with what I said first then – I said one thing and everything else just flowed.

I hate our house.  It’s too small, too drafty, too difficult to keep organized, and kills my allergies.  We’d really, really like to move.  We are saving like crazy in the hopes that we can buy a house next year.  Meanwhile the market isn’t looking as promising as it was earlier this year (hopefully that’s just because it’s nearing the end of the year) and it feels like our savings plan could be derailed at any moment…which brings me to…

David’s job sucks.  His commute is an hour each way and the job is high stress.  Prior to Jack starting kindergarten, David had arranged to start working from home in the afternoons so that he could pick Jack up from school.  This hasn’t been the best arrangement, honestly, since a lot of David’s work is on the phone and Jack gets bored when David can’t play with him and doesn’t like to stay quiet.  But, well, we figured it was a temporary solution and there were a few changes that would be coming down the pipeline that would make it all easier.  Except then a change came that said that David couldn’t work from home anymore due to asshattery by others.  Arg!  (We are still in limbo waiting to see if this is negotiable.)

There is an option of an after school program for Jack.  That costs money, of course…and that would mean delays on house buying.  It also means Jack is in school for longer during the day when he already doesn’t care to be there.  (On the plus side, his homework would be done before we picked him up for the evening.)

We’ve thrown around some other options but nothing has really crystallized yet.  So we wait and hope that the working from home option is reinstated.

Meanwhile, we’re still in a bit of agony over this school maladjustment.  Jack’s been acting out more and his teacher always has some piece of criticism, it seems.  It finally dawned on me that it might be a cultural thing, as the school is pretty strictly focused on academics (Jack’s classroom has homework 4 nights a week, and the other classroom has it 5 nights a week; I know of another school in the district that sends home activity-based homework for the weekends only).  The teacher (maybe the school?) seems to have an attitude of “what skill can’t this kid do yet?” rather than “what skills can this kid build upon?”  I am not the only class mom to notice some worrisome behavior with regard to self-esteem in the kids.

While I do think that Jack will learn a lot at this school, I’m wondering if emotionally this is not a good fit for him.  He is a sensitive and emotional individual and that isn’t likely to change (i.e. see his parents).  On the other hand, maybe he’ll learn some coping skills that could be useful later?  (He has to learn them from someone other than me; I am notorious for my crappy coping skills.)  And, regardless of whether it’s a good fit or not, do we even have the option to be choosy?  It is public school, after all.  And, really, would private school be different and different enough to be worth it?

And that’s when I go back to wanting the house like NOW.  ‘Cause we’ll move out of this neighborhood almost certainly and he’ll move schools almost definitely.  We’d have some sort of indication of whether this is just what a kindergarten transition is going to be like for Jack or if it’s THIS kindergarten that is the issue.

So, we’re in a holding pattern on the school front as well as on the job front.  In addition to those two things…

I spoke to my mom last night.  She has been dealing with ongoing health issues (the medical mystery tour, if you will).  Some time ago, probably close to 10 years ago, it was discovered that my mom had a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.  She was given hormones to shrink the tumor and then sent on her merry way.  When other weird issues started cropping up, they were dismissed as peri-menopause symptoms; however, recent tests show she is a good distance away from menopause still at age 49.  Unfortunately, she is already showing signs of bone loss and she now has a CT scan on her pancreas and an MRI on her head this week to look for tumors.  Not to mention that she is going to have a hysterectomy as soon as she can because of complications from endometriosis (except she has to wait to see what’s up with her cortisol – she may have Addison’s Disease!).

Needless to say, I feel very much like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from all of life’s complications.  I am young, dammit, and I don’t want to be dealing with all of this shit.  I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle even one of these things at a time but all of them at once?  Ugh.

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New Year Frenzy

January 25, 2011 By 1 Comment

A little more than 3 weeks into the new year and I’m already exhausted.  We adopted a dog from a rescue group right before the holidays:

Lambert has kept us pretty busy with walks and training and dog-proofing, which we fully expected.  What we didn’t expect was a skin infection right off the bat, followed by our next door neighbor deciding to take up a personal crusade to try to force us to get rid of our new dog – a dog who doesn’t bark or growl, who quickly and eagerly learned his name and basic commands, who climbs into our laps for love, and who whimpers because the cats won’t play with him.  How could anyone say that this dog is vicious (as it was called in to Animal Control)?  I don’t get it.  Neither did Animal Control…

We are lucky in that this is just one neighbor and everyone else who meets Lambert finds him to be a great dog.  Still, we have a lawyer just in case (said neighbor has threatened to sue) and there is a lot of activity surrounding this situation that we could have never anticipated.

In other news, Jack is doing great and is growing up too quickly for my liking.  He told me recently he wants to be mummified when he dies.  When I responded with, “Jack, I don’t really want to think about you dying and I hope it doesn’t happen for a very long time,” he told me, “But mom, everyone dies!”  I never thought I’d hear that from a 4 year old!

I still need to submit the application for Jack to attend Kindergarten in the fall.  I can hardly believe I have a child that age but there is no denying it!  We sat down recently and I wrote some words on his Magnedoodle and he could actually read them.  I suspect he can read even more than 3 letter words but he refuses to do anything of the sort in front of me.  He also dislikes to have his picture taken these days.  At least by me.  Maybe I am already embarrassing him…

I’ve attended a couple of baby showers this month for two long-time friends who are pregnant with their first babies.  It brought back a lot of memories and contemplation, especially with the addition of the puppy in our house.  I’m glad that I can be there for friends who are beginning the parenthood journey and share my experience so that maybe others can do it better.  I’m also hoping that if I do it again I’ll be able to keep in mind that I kind of know what I’m doing now.  That’s a good feeling.

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Halloween with Bat Boy

November 10, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Halloween was busy for us this year.  We ended up getting a ton of use out of Jack’s bat costume.  First we went to the Goblin Jamboree at the Bay Area Discovery Museum where Jack rode a pony for the first time, met up with chickens and rabbits and goats at the petting zoo, got his face painted, and experienced a kiddie version of a haunted house.

When we got home I did a little decorating around the house, including trying out these decals I got from Stampin’ Up! (yes, that is self-promotion right there – I am a demonstrator) and putting together these treat bags for Jack’s daycare buddies.

My employer invited all the employee parents to bring their kids in on October 28th so Jack got to pal around with me at work for a bit.  He had been begging to go to work with me instead of daycare each morning, so I was happy to finally be able to oblige him.  He was very excited, but he got over it pretty quickly and by the second hour he decided to hide under my desk.  He did leave me this drawing on my whiteboard (and asked me to write the names of each alien).

Halloween itself was pretty chill.  All of Jack’s parents got together to take him for a spin around the block.  I think Jack likes seeing the other kids in costume more than anything else – he was done with Trick-or-Treating after a block and a half or so.  He then said he wanted to go home and finish his dinner.  We handed out candy for a while and then Jack went to bed right on time.  It was surprisingly easy…how’s that for eerie?

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Truthiness Day 28: Ankle Biter

November 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got someone pregnant, that would just be freaking weird.  I guess I’d try to sell my story to the highest bidder.

If I were pregnant, I’d feel irritated at the waste of taking birth control pills.  I’d also be a little bit surprised that I had conceived unintentionally despite the combination of the pill and my wonky reproductive system.  I would also not be too surprised because I’m uber-paranoid about this type of thing.  I pretty much test weekly and have a stash of 50 pregnancy tests under the sink that I bought from Amazon in bulk…hey, I think this is the responsible thing to do when you’re a regular wine drinker and take other medications that aren’t so great for pregnancy.  Okay, fine.  I’m also slightly neurotic.

Other than that, I’d be both cautiously happy and freaking out.  Having a second child in this house is far from ideal due to a lack of space and the constantly barking dogs who live upstairs that would totally drive me mad when they wake up my newborn.  We’ve already decided that it would be better if Jack didn’t have to share a room with a sibling because he will be going back and forth between our house and his dad’s – he needs a space that is strictly his own.  We aren’t ready to move out of this house right now because the rent is dirt cheap for the area and Jack’s daycare is half a mile away.  The other rentals in our area are both more expensive and smaller and we don’t have a dime for a down payment on a house right now.

Idealistic thoughts aside, we’d totally make it work.  We’re good at planning, arranging, and we generally come out on top.  We want another child but unless it happens by accident we will probably end up planning the crap out of it and so who the hell knows when it will actually happen (although I’m aiming for before I turn 40).

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Truthiness Day 24: My Saturn Return Playlist

October 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Dear 2008,

You were a year of change.  I was 27 and the term “Saturn Return” fit this year perfectly.  I finally began taking care of myself – attended a Managing Depression class, started taking Prozac again and going to therapy, separated from Joe, moved out on my own for the first time in my life, and fell in love with David.  It was a hard year with so many ups and downs, and yet one of the most important of my life.  I mourned losses, faced bitterness, found hope, and discovered love again in all kinds of unexpected ways.  This playlist will always remind me of you – it runs the gamut of endings, beginnings, and everything between.

  1. We’re Going to be Friends – The White Stripes
  2. O Valencia! – The Decemberists
  3. (If You’re Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
  4. Young Folks – Pete Bjorn & John
  5. Let’s Never Stop Falling in Love – Pink Martini
  6. Hey Pretty – POE
  7. A Stroke of Luck – Garbage
  8. The Kill (Bury Me) – 30 Seconds to Mars
  9. Extraordinary Machine – Fiona Apple
  10. Struggle – Ringside
  11. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
  12. Nothing Better – The Postal Service
  13. Calling it Quits – Aimee Mann
  14. (Don’t Fear) The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
  15. Communication – The Cardigans
  16. Island – Heather Nova
  17. The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
  18. It’s Amazing – Jem
  19. Maybe Tomorrow – Stereophonics
  20. Rocket Man (I Think It’s Going to be a Long Long Time) – Elton John
  21. Hanging on Too Long – Duffy

From crying in the bathroom at work to finding my safe space in my own little apartment to gaining an understanding of my capacity to live and love, it was an amazing year.  Thanks for the memories.

Sincerely,
Crystal

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Truthiness Day 14: Goodbye to you

October 20, 2010 By 3 Comments

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Dear Dad,

Where do I begin?

When I was a child you were the person I looked up to the most.  You were smart, good looking and talented even beyond music, art, and sports.  My world revolved around you; when my mom told me to go to sleep so that I could wake up and see Mr. Sunshine, I thought she was talking about you.

With all that you had going for you, I don’t understand how you could do the things you did.  You seemed to carry so much life, yet you destroyed that light with drugs.  You then left the evidence behind for me to find and I had to ask my mother, “Why is daddy sniffing sugar?”  How could you pack your things and leave my mom while she was 6 months pregnant with your third child together?  Do you know that she had a panic attack when she came home to an empty house?  You then proceeded to max out the credit card buying things for your new girlfriend while my mom worked the night shift at the gas station to make ends meet…while your girlfriend was being swathed in the fur coat you bought for her, my mom was held up at gun point on more than one occasion.

You were neglectful and reckless.  You left me in charge of my younger siblings while you went out to party before I was even 9 years old.  You nearly drove us off the side of the levee into the river in your VW Bug regularly just so you could get a thrill.  I still can’t get anywhere near the side of a cliff without dealing with panic and vertigo.  I also can’t pick up the telephone without suffering severe anxiety thanks to your yelling at me for forgetting phone numbers when calling Information on your behalf.

Recently I learned that you hit me in the stomach because I left the table without asking for permission.  I was 3 or 4 years old.  I can’t even begin to wrap my head around that one.

I’ve heard a lot of excuses for the things you did, and so much blame has been shifted to others.  I think my grandparents still put you up on a pedestal, believing that you were their golden boy who could never do wrong.

I missed you for a long time after you died.  Now I can’t help but think of how much more damage you would have caused in the lives of others if you had lived past 30.  I barely remember the good things because there is just so much bad to eclipse them.  I wish I could still pretend that you were a good dad.  I wish I still had my hero.

Sincerely,

Crystal

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Truthiness Day 13: Catharsis

October 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Warwick Avenue (song)
Image via Wikipedia

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Duffy,

I listened to your album Rockferry constantly in 2008 after Joe and I split up.  Not only did your album include songs that mirrored many of the things I felt while going through that break up and starting divorce proceedings (like Warwick Avenue), but there were also songs that reflected my excitement about my new beginning (i.e. Distant Dreamer).  It was an odd time for me – mourning losses while also discovering new, fulfilling experiences.  There was a lot of sadness but also I started to realize my strength and gained new respect for myself.

I haven’t listened to Rockferry in over a year and even then I didn’t hit repeat like I did two years ago.  It’s a great album, truly, and it helped me during a rough chapter of my life.  Putting the album on was nice in the sense that I found out that I had moved on and didn’t feel any need to revisit that time.  I’m a stronger, healthier person now.

Thank you,

Crystal

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Truthiness Day 5: Home Sweet Home

October 12, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to own a house.  David and I have recently started doing our research on buying a home.  We are looking into first time home buyer programs, assessing our credit and our buying power, and checking out listings to get a better idea of where we would and would not live.  We have a real estate agent, a mortgage broker, and moderate dreams.  But we are worried that it won’t happen.  Two years ago the idea of buying a house wasn’t even on our radar.  We have no down payment saved up (although we aim to do that in the next year).  We make just a little too much for a CalHFA loan (which would help with the down payment) but not enough to be saving money for a house at the moment.  And if the market recovers before we are ready to buy, the houses that are currently within our financial reach probably won’t be anymore.

We are both scared shitless because OMG buying a house is a HUGE deal.  We’ll owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to the bank.  We need to make wise decisions and plan and know whether this house will be our home long term or a starter house or what.  We are considering our jobs and the likelihood that we will stay with them, or at least continue to commute to the same area for the foreseeable future.

We want a home.  We want roots here in the Bay Area.  We want a place where we can plan our future and build our family together.

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Wedding Budget Breakdown

September 29, 2010 By 1 Comment

The grand total price of my wedding was about $3700.  I was shocked at the end of it all that we pulled it off spending less than $5K, especially because we definitely splurged in certain areas.  For those interested, here is a breakdown of where the money went:

Beauty & Health – I could have saved a LOT in this area if I knew anything about hair and make up.  As it was, I sought out a cosmetologist from outside of the Bay Area (Yolanda from PrimaDonna Makeover) because she charges less than those here in the city.  I ended up paying for her travel time, though, so I didn’t save as much as I had hoped.  Of that $539 number, $425 went to the stylist.  It looked pretty good, though, and it was all done in my home so I didn’t have to stress about running all over the place the morning of my wedding.  It was overall worth the splurge.

Cake – I got a damned good deal here.  Doing research on Yelp for budget-friendly bakers, I stumbled on From Scratch SF, a brand new business launched by Jennifer Bratko.  I discussed my budget with Jennifer, sent her a copy of my invitation and a picture of my topper and she suggested the perfect design for my cake.  It turned out absolutely beautiful and amazingly delicious, and SO worth every penny:

Photo & cake by Jennifer Bratko

Catering – Lucky for us, David is a great cook and he had a fabulous friend to help him, so food costs were low.  The menu consisted of finger foods – salmon burgers, turkey burgers, and gourmet roast beef sandwiches.  Delish!  The total above actually includes a new grill that we got on sale at OSH.  We bought all of our wine at Bevmo with reward coupons (could have saved more if I had purchased it all during their 5 cent sale but we didn’t get organized in time) and the food was purchased in bulk at Safeway and Costco.  All of our tableware and cups were compostable and went right into the bin when we were done.

Dress & Attire – I bought my dress on mega sale at the Jessica McClintock outlet here in San Francisco.  It was $93.  It was a little long but I fixed that with a pin in the side rather than dishing out money for alterations.  David’s tux rental cost more than my ensemble!  I got comfy ballet flats on sale from shoes.com for $28 (using a coupon from savings.com*) and my jewelry and accessories were purchased on etsy.  Jack’s suit was borrowed.

Flowers & Decor – We saved money on flowers by ordering hydrangeas in bulk from Costco.  This ended up being a pain in the ass due to the incompetence of our local Fed Ex (the flowers sat in their warehouse mere blocks from my work for TWO DAYS) but we were lucky and it all worked out with only a few bunches that were compromised.  We put together simple arrangements using mason jars bought at the grocery store and tied with ribbon.

Our backyard was kind of a wasteland, so David ordered and laid sod down the day before the wedding.  At about $250, this was actually cheaper than renting any sort of astroturf and certainly less than renting a reception hall.  He also planted some flowers the same day and added in some mulch, and it looked very fresh!

Tables, chairs, and linens were another $265 (including delivery fee) and made things look more “official,” and I bought a tent (again – purchasing the tent was actually cheaper than renting one) for about $150.  Our paper lanterns were purchased in a variety of colors and sizes (less than $2 each) through JustArtifacts.com.

Invitations – Being that I am a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator, I definitely could have saved more money in this area by making my own invitations.  Instead I chose to go the lazy convenient route and get custom invitations from Ruff House Art on etsy.  I paid an extra fee of $40 for a custom design, which I’m sure others can choose to skip to save a few bucks.  I also decided not to include RSVP cards since we had a small number of guests and are close enough to everyone to take RSVPs by word of mouth/email/etc.  The cost also included matching thank you cards.

Jewelry – David’s titanium ring cost a whopping $55 at JustTitanium.com.  He wanted something super lightweight and slim fitting (1.3mm thin to be exact) and I tracked down the slimmest ring I could find and then we requested that the 2mm standard size be slimmed to 1.3mm.  David is a very particular guy.  My ring was definitely pricier, but rather than spend extra on something custom, I searched high and low for something that just happened to be made for this somewhat unique setting.  Thanks Dacarli Jewelers for providing exact measurements of the ring and a nice return policy (just in case)!

Music – You won’t see this up there because we spent $0.  We used iTunes and put together our own playlist.  Between the fact that the reception was in our backyard and it was the middle of the day, we figured there wouldn’t be much dancing anyway.  Plus, the drunk people will dance anywhere and to anything!

Photography – Photography is a tricky thing to save money on – those disposable cameras usually just generate crap and professional photographers charge a whole lotta money for their services.  I think it’s worth it to pay big bucks for a photographer, but that doesn’t mean it’s practical for the budget.  I got lucky in two ways – my friend’s brother is a photography hobbiest with some sweet gear AND my friend Sarah is fantastic behind the camera.  Photography cost us next to nothing and we got beautiful, memorable shots of the day.

Site Fee – We spent $0 on this, as well.  It was a flash mob sort of ceremony on the beach that lasted all of about 30 minutes.

Obviously, all of the help from our family and friends is not included in the cost of our wedding.  That part was priceless and really the best wedding gift of all!

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