Unresolved

January 4, 2012 By 5 Comments

We had a good holiday. I missed Jack on Christmas day (he was with his dad in Washington) but we got to celebrate in our own way when he got back. Christmas day we hosted David’s sister, my sister’s family, and our friend Mike. It was our first time hosting Christmas dinner – with place mats and everything! – and it turned out pretty fabulous, if I do say so myself.

We rocked stockings this year. Our dog ate the stocking I had from childhood (two days before Christmas) and that was really sad. He also ate the stocking I had a friend create for David. Looks like we’ll be getting new stockings… In any case, it felt like a very grown up thing to be in charge of stockings in addition to the Christmas dinner. I was very much a mom, filling them with toothbrushes and hand sanitizer and such. (There were fun things, too, I promise.)

I got really depressed after the holiday was over. I wasn’t sure why at first (other than it’s December and it’s winter and I was tired) but upon thinking it over I realized a few things – the biggest of which is that my family is so small. I have David and Jack and then my sister who lives across the country. My mother is embroiled in her endless medical issues – in for tests every week and firing physicians left and right – and seems to be off on another planet. Spending time with my dad’s parents, while lovely, also underlined the fact that I don’t have a mom or dad to turn to these days. I am the grown up. How did THAT happen?

I then started feeling baby crazy. THAT was driving me mad because, holy cow, now is NOT the time! But despite the million reasons I could list why I didn’t want another kid right now, the little voice in my head and the ache in my chest wouldn’t go away. That just made me angrier – upset at my own biology, irritated at my brain grasping at straws in order to create connections that I seem to be missing.

I feel old. I feel like emotionally I’m being propelled into a reality that I shouldn’t be physically facing for another 15 years. Suddenly I’m worrying about older family members losing their minds as well as their fortitude, worrying about how many childbearing years I have left, and feeling as if I must have missed something in my 31 years. But when and where? My life thus far has been overwhelmingly full. Where is it that I could have possibly squeezed in one more thing? And didn’t I already have my midlife crisis?

Needless to say, the new year is here and I am unprepared. I’m doing what I always do – marching on as best I can – and hoping things fall in line. I just wish I could feel like I have more of a say in where that line is going and what tune is being played.

Filed Under: Domesticating, Growing Up, Holidays Tagged With: , , ,

Hustle and Bustle

December 5, 2011 By 5 Comments

Last week at work was brutal. I am not quite sure how I made it through. I think I’m still recovering.

Amidst the stress of work, I had THREE posts published elsewhere. I revamped and combined my prior posts about my dad for World Aids Day and posted it on Band Back Together, and I wrote a brand new piece for Postpartum Voice in which I talk about the details of my postpartum depression for the first time. The third I won’t directly link here due to its sensitive nature, but you can hit me up on Twitter or via email if you are interested in it (and haven’t already read it).

We’re still dealing with fear at home. Jack is sleeping with his bedroom light on every night now, which is a change from the first 5 years of his life. He now watches Dora the Explorer and Berenstein Bears instead of Scooby-Doo and Ben 10. We’ve acquired the Scaredy Squirrel books and “When I Feel Afraid.” Nothing seems to be particularly helpful. We may just have to ride this one out.

With that said, and while I know that this is a phase that kids Jack’s age go through, I’m wondering if some of the stresses his families are dealing with (unemployment in both households, for one) might be contributing and/or if school issues may be having an impact on him. It seems like he has more trouble sleeping and is tired more often these days.

Jack’s teacher has started sending his incomplete classwork home for him to finish. This is super fun (not)! I don’t even know what to do about that. For now we are just continuing to encourage him to finish his projects in class and emphasizing that we all want him to do his work well. This may be another area where the reward of money will motivate him (that’s how he potty trained)…hm…

On the good news front, I recently won a $500 Apple gift card thanks to my attendance and participation in a Twitter party hosted by LiveOn.com. WOOHOO!! The site is pretty cool – you can basically create a digital scrapbook of life’s events with photos and such and it’s got some nifty social media enhancements. I haven’t had much time to play around with it but I did create an account and will definitely futz with it. It looks fun!

I also won passes to the new Children’s Creativity Museum in San Francisco. I’m super psyched to take Jack there!

My birthday is at the end of this week and so the promise of cake and dinner with friends is keeping me in decent spirits. Oh and I’ve gotten nearly all of my Christmas shopping done and the presents are mostly wrapped, too! Now I just need to take down the Halloween decorations…

Filed Under: Growing Up, Parenting 101, PPD, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Tackling Fear

November 21, 2011 By 1 Comment

Jack has suddenly become uncharacteristically afraid of everything.  He can’t go into another room of the house by himself AT ALL.  When he goes to the bathroom, he requires that I stand outside the door – he needs to be able to see me but I have to make sure to turn away so I can’t see him (he’s very private).  This morning he freaked out because he ‘couldn’t stop peeing.’  WHY he wanted to stop midstream is beyond me…

We’ve talked to him and cut out the scary stuff – no more spooky books or Scooby Doo until he feels safe again.  He’s gone back in time and is now watching Super Why!, Blues Clues, and Dora the Explorer.  Chip and Dale is his favorite, which is great but sometimes (like last night) we lose that DVD and the other stuff he has to choose from includes Monsters vs. Aliens, Finding Nemo, How to Train Your Dragon…all of which are apparently too scary.

We talked about his fears on the walk to school this morning.  He admitted he felt afraid when people get mad at him – he worries he’s going to go to jail when people get mad at him.  When I asked where he got that from, he said his step-uncle went to jail as a kid.  I have NO idea what that’s about – I’ll have to talk to his dad about that one.

Apparently this is a stage that many 5-6 year olds go through but man, is it weird!  It’s especially odd since he’s never been afraid of much – he loves monsters and aliens and dragons!  Holy regression, Batman!

We’ve talked about various things that Jack can do when he feels afraid (sing or pretend he is a fierce dragon and can chase away the fear) and I think I’ll get some books to reinforce these ideas.  I know there is a series called Scaredy Squirrel that would be helpful.  Anybody have additional recommendations?

Once again, he’s surprised me with an issue that I never thought we’d face.  Ahhhh parenthood!

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All Grown Up and Nowhere to Hide

September 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

I keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out.  It’s been the same with talking.  David told me to talk the other night and I didn’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll begin here with what I said first then – I said one thing and everything else just flowed.

I hate our house.  It’s too small, too drafty, too difficult to keep organized, and kills my allergies.  We’d really, really like to move.  We are saving like crazy in the hopes that we can buy a house next year.  Meanwhile the market isn’t looking as promising as it was earlier this year (hopefully that’s just because it’s nearing the end of the year) and it feels like our savings plan could be derailed at any moment…which brings me to…

David’s job sucks.  His commute is an hour each way and the job is high stress.  Prior to Jack starting kindergarten, David had arranged to start working from home in the afternoons so that he could pick Jack up from school.  This hasn’t been the best arrangement, honestly, since a lot of David’s work is on the phone and Jack gets bored when David can’t play with him and doesn’t like to stay quiet.  But, well, we figured it was a temporary solution and there were a few changes that would be coming down the pipeline that would make it all easier.  Except then a change came that said that David couldn’t work from home anymore due to asshattery by others.  Arg!  (We are still in limbo waiting to see if this is negotiable.)

There is an option of an after school program for Jack.  That costs money, of course…and that would mean delays on house buying.  It also means Jack is in school for longer during the day when he already doesn’t care to be there.  (On the plus side, his homework would be done before we picked him up for the evening.)

We’ve thrown around some other options but nothing has really crystallized yet.  So we wait and hope that the working from home option is reinstated.

Meanwhile, we’re still in a bit of agony over this school maladjustment.  Jack’s been acting out more and his teacher always has some piece of criticism, it seems.  It finally dawned on me that it might be a cultural thing, as the school is pretty strictly focused on academics (Jack’s classroom has homework 4 nights a week, and the other classroom has it 5 nights a week; I know of another school in the district that sends home activity-based homework for the weekends only).  The teacher (maybe the school?) seems to have an attitude of “what skill can’t this kid do yet?” rather than “what skills can this kid build upon?”  I am not the only class mom to notice some worrisome behavior with regard to self-esteem in the kids.

While I do think that Jack will learn a lot at this school, I’m wondering if emotionally this is not a good fit for him.  He is a sensitive and emotional individual and that isn’t likely to change (i.e. see his parents).  On the other hand, maybe he’ll learn some coping skills that could be useful later?  (He has to learn them from someone other than me; I am notorious for my crappy coping skills.)  And, regardless of whether it’s a good fit or not, do we even have the option to be choosy?  It is public school, after all.  And, really, would private school be different and different enough to be worth it?

And that’s when I go back to wanting the house like NOW.  ‘Cause we’ll move out of this neighborhood almost certainly and he’ll move schools almost definitely.  We’d have some sort of indication of whether this is just what a kindergarten transition is going to be like for Jack or if it’s THIS kindergarten that is the issue.

So, we’re in a holding pattern on the school front as well as on the job front.  In addition to those two things…

I spoke to my mom last night.  She has been dealing with ongoing health issues (the medical mystery tour, if you will).  Some time ago, probably close to 10 years ago, it was discovered that my mom had a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.  She was given hormones to shrink the tumor and then sent on her merry way.  When other weird issues started cropping up, they were dismissed as peri-menopause symptoms; however, recent tests show she is a good distance away from menopause still at age 49.  Unfortunately, she is already showing signs of bone loss and she now has a CT scan on her pancreas and an MRI on her head this week to look for tumors.  Not to mention that she is going to have a hysterectomy as soon as she can because of complications from endometriosis (except she has to wait to see what’s up with her cortisol – she may have Addison’s Disease!).

Needless to say, I feel very much like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from all of life’s complications.  I am young, dammit, and I don’t want to be dealing with all of this shit.  I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle even one of these things at a time but all of them at once?  Ugh.

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Back to School Night

September 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I can hardly believe it but tomorrow completes Jack’s third week of kindergarten.  I’m still having a bit of trouble believing I have a kid in school…

Tonight was Back to School Night.  We visited Jack’s school, checked out his classroom and found out how the teacher was arranging the curriculum for the kids.  We got feedback that Jack is a unique thinker, smart, and quite the artist – all things we know, of course, but it’s good that he’s finally showing his teacher what he can do!  We got to meet the parents of Jack’s buddy Jason (who introduced himself by roaring like a dinosaur – 100% Jack’s style!) and we’re working on setting up a playdate for the kids.

The school transition has had its ups and downs.  In general this week has been better as far as getting to school and there have been a LOT less tears.  A couple of times we pretty much ran there because Jack was dragging his feet for one reason or another but we were not officially late.  Thank goodness!

It’s just been…I dunno – a transition.  I made a comment the other day that this reminds me of the newborn stage – every moment is focused on Jack and he is making noise CONSTANTLY unless he is sleeping or eating.  I guess he’s still figuring out how to settle down and get into the new routine.  We all are, really.  Coupled with a cold smacking me across the face this week and our dog getting ill and it made things even more challenging.

Homework is something we’re all still getting used to.  Four days a week Jack’s school folder has homework in it – a two sided piece of paper with a paragraph to read, some sentences to write, things to circle, letters to practice, and pictures to match with the letter.  What gets me is that Jack does this stuff on his magnedoodle all the time but as soon as it’s labeled homework he balks!  ”I don’t like homework” or “it’s too hard!” or “this is boring!”  I am hearing about how much he hates school more than how much he likes it…although now that P.E. has been introduced, he is pretty damned happy about going to school on Thursdays!  (Sidenote: the schools in SFUSD have to get grants to have physical education and nutrition programs!  Grants!!  And with the grant they get PE once a week…just, wow…)

It was surreal to be in the classroom tonight and talking to the teacher as an adult/parent rather than a kid/student.  My son’s artwork was hanging around the classroom and I sat down at a desk with his name on it.  My own school years just don’t seem that far behind me…

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Off to Kindergarten

August 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

My baby went off to school today.  He is going to come back home this afternoon and then can I even refer to him as my baby anymore??  I don’t know.

Last night Jack picked out the clothes he would wear on his first day of school.  This morning I asked if he had any breakfast requests and he asked for pancakes.  I made banana chocolate chip pancakes for him (and for me).  His dad arrived at our house at 8:10 this morning and David, Joe, Jack, and I all walked to school together for the orientation (the school is two blocks away).

Orientation was…boring.  It droned on pretty long and Jack was bored (as was I).  I’m not sure if the staff actually intended to put the kids to sleep but they definitely were subdued by the time the announcements ended and the kindergartners headed to class.  We were told that while it used to be that kids just had to learn how to spell and write their name and count to 30 upon leaving kindergarten, the expectation now is that they are able to read and write sentences by the end of the academic year.  Now I’m feeling pretty freaking glad that we seemingly got a head start on that.  If he went in not knowing how to write or read a damned thing, I would be more worried.  Luckily he can read (he just doesn’t have the patience for sentences quite yet) and write pretty well.

Did you know kindergartners have homework?  Oh yes!  Jack will get homework Monday through Thursday.  Wowwee.

I didn’t cry and neither did Jack.  He did get nervous when he discovered that his “little white bunny” wasn’t in his backpack but he had notes from both me and Joe to remind him that we love him.  I made sure to let him know that this was everyone’s first day at school and they were all nervous, too.  That seemed to help.

Update this afternoon – Upon picking him up this afternoon Jack told David and I that his day was “wonderful…I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”  Success!

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Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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The next phase

July 12, 2011 By 4 Comments

My boy is 5 tomorrow.  Rather than shower him with more toys than he possibly needs, I thought it would be better to give him an experience.  So we’re waking up bright and early(ish) to take him to the amusement park in Vallejo called Discovery Kingdom.  He has alternately been excited at the prospect and worried about the rides.  I’m hoping he sees how fun the kiddie roller coasters are and goes for it once we’re there!

His dad and step-mom threw a birthday party this past Sunday in a park (pictures are here).  A bunch of kids came and everyone ran around being goofy.  Jack got a ton of “help” with opening birthday presents and was a very good sport about it.  He got a ton of awesome stuff and we were able to split up the ‘loot’ between our two households without trouble.

He is growing in leaps and bounds.  He is out of the T-sizes completely now.  He goes through shoes like nobody’s business (each pair lasts maybe 2 months) and it seems like he never stops eating (or talking).  That kid will pretty much eat anything.  I think his favorite food right now is pickled cabbage!

He can read and write so many words and sentences.  He has asked questions like, “why does elephant have a p in it?”  I was only slightly annoyed by a recent picture he drew because I was also proud that he spelled it all on his own (the yin yang is a product of seeing Kung Fu Panda not too long ago):

He knows a ton about Vikings and Jotuns, thanks to his dad.  He’s going to be quite the History buff in school, I’m thinking.

Jack loves aliens and “scary shows.”  Scooby Doo is his favorite, followed closely by Ben 10: Ultimate Alien.  He spends a ton of time drawing aliens and constructing Lego spaceships.  It doesn’t seem to matter that I suck with Legos – I just tell him it’s a space buggy or space glider and he totally buys it.

He is amazing with little kids.  He is the popular one in daycare and also the oldest.  His little friends gather around when he arrives in the morning to see what he’s brought with him and to show him anything they’ve brought.  It’s damned adorable!  Jack’s little cousin Sabrina was here this weekend and Jack was so good about showing her how to do various things (like putting toys back on the shelf in Target) – even when Sabrina wasn’t so much about listening.  It seems like he was a born leader and a born older brother figure.  That makes my heart squishy.

He seems to be more afraid of things lately.  He worries about monsters in the dark and asks about death.  I have been assured that this is fairly typical of a 5 year old.  Still, it hurts my heart when he cries for an hour because he’s afraid his friend Syndey is going to “stretch her arm into our house and steal [his] books.”  It’s heartbreaking and hilarious all at the same time.

I can’t believe I have a five year old.  Happy birthday, sweet boy.

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Cinco

June 24, 2011 By 5 Comments

Jack will be 5 in less than 3 weeks. FIVE YEARS OLD.

Birthday party arrangements are in motion.  Jack requested toys for his birthday.  He also specified that he wants a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting.  Oh, and at daycare when they celebrate he wants vanilla ice cream bars covered in chocolate.  That should be easy!

My sister and niece are flying out from Maryland to attend the party and visit family.  We’re hoping to get portraits of the two kids together – if I can find a portrait studio that doesn’t cost a zillion dollars.  We shall see if such a thing exists in San Francisco.

Besides being nervous about the fact that I haven’t gotten Jack a birthday present yet (or even figured out WHAT to get him, although at the moment I am leaning toward taking him to an amusement park rather than getting him a gift), I am all kinds of mind-fucked over the fact that I have a Kindergartner (well, almost).  I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it.  I feel like the first four years of his life were just too busy to allow time for worrying about the future.  I had goals with things like weaning and solid foods and potty training that kept me busy.  But now?  The future is gaping and I have too much time to devote to thoughts about it.  I spent a good portion of yesterday worrying about what would happen at school if Jack got hungry between breakfast and lunch.  Prior to that I was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to find the bathroom or that he would wander outside the school fence…  Don’t fear, I’m only a helicopter mom in my mind.

Rather than focus on my anxieties about the impending school year (I swear, it’s like *I* am the one starting and not Jack!), I’m focusing on getting him prepped.  I have school clothes and shoes on the way in the mail, and I purchased a bento box type thingy recently.

His dad and I are still working out what the shared custody schedule will look like but I think it’s mostly figured out – school weeks in SF with me and David and three weekends out of every month down in Half Moon Bay with his dad and step-mom.  It is going to be an adjustment to have Jack home for 5-7 days in a row after we’ve been splitting the weeks for these past couple of years!

Time to pick the dude up from daycare.  If any of you have ideas for awesome birthday presents for 5 year olds who are obsessed with aliens, monsters, and super heroes, I’m all ears.

Filed Under: Growing Up

Emotions are High

June 16, 2011 By 3 Comments

I hate it when my child is sad.  I also hate it when I’m sad, or when anyone is sad, really.  Perhaps this is a product of battling depression my whole life.  I just…want to make people happy.  All the time.  To me happiness is the best thing ever!  If I can give that to others, it gives me peace.

So, it tears at my heart when Jack tells me about something that he is sad about, especially when it is not just a passing thing.  He was upset when his dad went to Hawaii without him, for instance.  He may be over it, I’m not sure, but we’re trying to plan a vacation to Central America and when I think of going without him, I remember how sad he was about not going to Hawaii.

He is worried about his friend moving away when her parents sell their house.  He’s been friends with this little girl for probably 1.5 years now?  They say they are married.  It’s adorable.  But yeah, she may be moving soon and Jack is going to be starting Kindergarten and so, the drifting begins.

He turned to me the other night on the verge of tears and told me I was very special to him and he hopes that I never die.  I nearly broke down in tears myself hearing that.  Why must my baby think about these things?  Growing up is hard…on us both.

I think I do the right things when faced with sadness.  I let Jack know it’s okay to be sad.  I let him know when I’m sad, too, and reassure him that the sadness will pass and happiness will come again.  When I tell him these things, I am often talking to myself, as well.  I’m trying to be patient with sadness instead of pushing it away.  Not an easy task.

Again this morning my child was near to tears…because I picked out the wrong underwear for him.  Also?  The note I wrote for him to take to daycare (to remember how much I love him) got bent.  He didn’t want it to bend because it’s so “special” to him.  Little things, really, but the sadness he expressed over these small things took my breath away.

I wanted to look at him and say, “Come on, kid!  Cheer up!  You’re 4!”  I gave him a hug, though, and told him it’s okay if the note bends – I love him no matter what.

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