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Yet Again, I’m Blogging About Mental Health

May 15, 2013 By

Today is Mental Health Month Blog Day. Mental health – and illness – is a topic of great importance to me and something I’ve written about before. It’s importance has only grown as I’ve gotten older. My experiences with mental illness have led me to get involved in helping others through sites like Band Back Together and I try to speak about my experiences openly and honestly whenever possible.

Did you know that a quarter of Americans experience a diagnosable mental health disorder every year? It’s highly likely that you or someone you know (or SEVERAL someones you know!) is dealing with mental illness. And yet, “research published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior (Vol. 41, No. 2) finds that 68% of Americans do not want someone with a mental illness marrying into their family and 58% do not want people with mental illness in their workplaces.”

Whaaaat??

This is why it’s important to talk about mental health!

I'm Blogging for Mental Health.

I was diagnosed at age 15 with depression after I read an article in a magazine. Mental illness runs in my family – my dad, my mom, my brother, my grandmother, and cousins have been diagnosed with various problems – but I was one of the first to receive a diagnosis and treatment. Once I was diagnosed, a number of my family members realized they struggled with the same issues as I did and sought help. Our family life improved drastically after we got help.

Getting help was the best thing I ever did – for me and for my whole family.

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about depression by the time Jack was born, over 10 years after I was initially diagnosed, but then I experienced Postpartum Depression and PTSD reared its ugly head. I threw myself into therapy once again, this time taking a multi-pronged approach with group therapy, skills building classes, and individual therapy along with medication. I went through a variety of these intense therapies for about four years before I felt like I could take a break.

Treatment has been tremendously helpful. In many ways, I am a different person than I was before that very intense therapy. I grew up with so much trauma and while that is common, it’s not easy to cope with. I came up with some very creative ways of coping but the coping didn’t end when the traumas did. And because I was so busy coping, I wasn’t living.

But treatment alone would not have done it for me. I needed community. I needed friends and family. And as difficult as it was to reach out, I did. And my friends and family kept me going throughout my treatment.

Now my son struggles to cope with the challenges in his young life, partly due to genetics and partly due to his experiences with cancer. I am especially thankful these days that I took the time to help myself! I am strong enough now to help him. I can tell him that it’s okay to be sad and that he doesn’t have to just CHEER UP and GET OVER IT. I can help him grieve and move on so that his feelings won’t haunt him for years and years. And I can show him how to ask for help from family and the medical community.

He doesn’t have to be alone.

It is my hope that – eventually – no one will have to go through mental illness alone. Mental illness was something I struggled with by myself for a long time and it wasn’t until I got help from others that I truly started to find healing. It was 100% worth it.

I encourage you all to share your experiences and to reach out to others – whether you are the one struggling or you know someone else who is. Even if the results are small, they make a difference and can change a life.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Hustle and Bustle

December 5, 2011 By

Last week at work was brutal. I am not quite sure how I made it through. I think I’m still recovering.

Amidst the stress of work, I had THREE posts published elsewhere. I revamped and combined my prior posts about my dad for World Aids Day and posted it on Band Back Together, and I wrote a brand new piece for Postpartum Voice in which I talk about the details of my postpartum depression for the first time. The third I won’t directly link here due to its sensitive nature, but you can hit me up on Twitter or via email if you are interested in it (and haven’t already read it).

We’re still dealing with fear at home. Jack is sleeping with his bedroom light on every night now, which is a change from the first 5 years of his life. He now watches Dora the Explorer and Berenstein Bears instead of Scooby-Doo and Ben 10. We’ve acquired the Scaredy Squirrel books and “When I Feel Afraid.” Nothing seems to be particularly helpful. We may just have to ride this one out.

With that said, and while I know that this is a phase that kids Jack’s age go through, I’m wondering if some of the stresses his families are dealing with (unemployment in both households, for one) might be contributing and/or if school issues may be having an impact on him. It seems like he has more trouble sleeping and is tired more often these days.

Jack’s teacher has started sending his incomplete classwork home for him to finish. This is super fun (not)! I don’t even know what to do about that. For now we are just continuing to encourage him to finish his projects in class and emphasizing that we all want him to do his work well. This may be another area where the reward of money will motivate him (that’s how he potty trained)…hm…

On the good news front, I recently won a $500 Apple gift card thanks to my attendance and participation in a Twitter party hosted by LiveOn.com. WOOHOO!! The site is pretty cool – you can basically create a digital scrapbook of life’s events with photos and such and it’s got some nifty social media enhancements. I haven’t had much time to play around with it but I did create an account and will definitely futz with it. It looks fun!

I also won passes to the new Children’s Creativity Museum in San Francisco. I’m super psyched to take Jack there!

My birthday is at the end of this week and so the promise of cake and dinner with friends is keeping me in decent spirits. Oh and I’ve gotten nearly all of my Christmas shopping done and the presents are mostly wrapped, too! Now I just need to take down the Halloween decorations…

Filed Under: Growing Up, Parenting 101, PPD, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

I am blogging for mental health

May 18, 2011 By

May is Mental Health Month and today in particular is Mental Health Blogging Day.  I am a longtime sufferer of mentalMental Health Blog Party Badge illness and an advocate for awareness and support through the community support website Band Back Together.

I think days like this are important to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles with mental health issues.  Whether you are a sufferer, a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance of someone with a mental health issue, you can educate yourself and others and help make the world a more compassionate and supportive place.

My name is Crystal and I deal with mental illness on a regular basis.

Sometimes I don’t act like ME because I suffer from chronic Depression (diagnosed at age 14), Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (DES-NOS, specifically).  I attend weekly therapy and take medication to help me manage these issues.  I have difficulties managing my response to stressful situations and memories due to the way that my brain processes information/stimuli – multiple traumas throughout my life have impacted the way I view and experience the world around me.

Despite dealing with these issues for so much of my life, I can still live a normal life – I am not ‘crazy.’  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and son.  I have a great job at a place I’ve worked for the past 3.5 years.  I have friends and hobbies and many of the same worries that others out there have.

Most days I am a very high functioning individual.  Sometimes I need to step back from my responsibilities a little bit and focus on taking extra care of myself.  There are those days when I can’t get out of bed – on those days I need help from my support network of family and friends.  I have fantastic people in my life who have helped me even when they don’t know it.

*****

I have heard various awful things said about those who suffer from mental illness over the years, even from people I love.  The stigma of mental illness still leads people to state that they wouldn’t vote for a politician who was known to have a mental disorder, or that those with a mental illness should not have children.  It’s disheartening to hear these things and I’m hopeful that as we speak out, the stigma will lift more and more.

If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, please take the time to educate yourself about the symptoms and effects on their life.  If you would like to reach out to a community for support please visit Band Back Together.

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Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 8 Comments

Truthiness Day 7: Mister Sunshine

October 14, 2010 By

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.  (sorry, bad grammar)

This one is so easy.  It’s Jack, of course.

Before Jack came along, I didn’t much care about proper living.  I’ve had Depression for as long as I can remember and I was never very motivated to take care of it – I didn’t care enough about myself to get the treatment I really needed.  I took anti-depressants on and off but those didn’t take care of my issues 100%.

When Jack came along, though, I HAD to take care of myself.  I didn’t want him to have a ghost of a mother.  I didn’t want him to learn my unhealthy thought patterns or be hurt by behaviors that I didn’t even notice I had.  I didn’t want him to grow up without a mother, either, and although I hate to say it, that was a possibility if I didn’t get treatment.

So right before he turned 2, I got serious and put myself back on antidepressants, enrolled in a Managing Your Depression course with Kaiser, started attending regular therapy, attended a 9 month long intensive outpatient therapy program, and have been maintaining my mental health ever since with weekly appointments with my therapist.  I’ve learned how to stay ahead of my depression for the most part.  When I do get depressed, I don’t beat myself up nearly as much as I used to, and I try to ride it out.  I know which parts of me are ME and which parts are the illness I’ve fought all my life.  Knowing those things has made a huge difference.

I love my life.  I love living.  Before Jack, I could not have said that.  Before Jack, the work wasn’t worth the return.

Image above by Sarahndipitea

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Filed Under: 30 Days of Truth, Getting my groove back, Photos, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Spotty

March 20, 2008 By

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for a month now but I have admitted to myself and my counselors that they aren’t working as they should be.  Some things have gotten better, and some things have gotten worse.  I am feeling a bit afraid at this point. I’m afraid I’m going to go crazy. I’m afraid I’ll really screw up my marriage, that I had no business thinking that I could handle being a mother, that this illness will leave me incapacitated. Mostly I’m not afraid for myself, just that I will burden those I love. I feel like I’m losing my sense of self, and I don’t want to go back to the hell of 3 years ago.

I am working on getting help and getting things going in the right direction but it will take some time.  I don’t know how long and I don’t know how often I’ll be able to update here in the mean time.  I hope you are all here whenever I get back.

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Depression Status Check

February 29, 2008 By

I’ve been on depression medication for about two weeks now.  I’m over the side effects for the most part and am feeling less like a stranger is taking over my body.  I still have stressful days (like yesterday), which is of course normal, but instead of the stress rendering me despondent, I am able to see clearly enough to acknowledge my feelings and deal with them.

Now that I’m feeling more with it, I can try to describe what the worst of this depression has been like.  It literally felt as if I was a casual observer of all that was going on, that the world around me was flying past so quickly that I could not keep up with the plot.  I was often so confused and my thoughts so scattered that I was even having trouble deciphering the meaning of sentences.  Words were like puzzle pieces but instead of my brain stringing them together to process an idea, it scattered and jumbled them so I was only able to capture a small piece of the meaning.  I am not sure that I can really articulate it well.  I guess I’ll just say that instead of feeling cemented to my chair because I’m in slow-motion while the rest of the world is playing normally, I now feel like part of the goings-on.  I can participate in life!

I still have work to do.  There are a lot of things that have been put on hold because I just couldn’t deal.  The top of the list is my marriage.  I haven’t figured out how to be fair to be a wife, a mother, and an independent woman.  Joe and I are planning to regularly swap babysitting duty with my bro- and sis-in-law in the near future so that we can all get date nights and remember a little of what came before the babies!  I know that will be immensely helpful and a big step in the right direction.

I am scheduled to take a course on depression management and continuing to see my psychiatrist, who is awesome and reminds me of Dustin Hoffman’s character in Stranger than Fiction (if you haven’t seen it, do!).  With my history, the doctor advised me to consider medication as part of my vitamin regimen for the rest of my life.  Instead of treating each episode of depression as if they were individual illnesses to be treated, I will instead strive to break the pattern with preventative medicine.

Most of all I must remember that with medication I’m still living the same life but now the light switch is turned on and I can see everything more clearly.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment

Step in the right direction

February 5, 2008 By

It’s interesting being at this stage in my life, a life as a chronic depression-sufferer.  I am such a seasoned veteran of depression by this point that most can’t even tell I’m depressed.  A therapist admitted to me a few years ago that she could not tell that I was totally freaking out sitting right in front of her.  I attribute this not only to how long I’ve been dealing with these issues, but also to growing up in a family who hid problems and marched on because any wrong step could throw us into a very scary situation from which we might not recover.  I’m somewhat thankful because it has made me stronger, and I can keep functioning even under terrible circumstances.  The downside, of course, is that I often forget that I’m no longer living on a precipice and it takes a lot longer for me to realize that I’ve reached the point where I have stopped participating in really living.

As you all know, I realized some time ago that I needed help.  Well, I am finally getting it.  I contacted my doctor last week and she immediately got to work with a referral to the mental health department.  Embarrassing questions were asked but now things are in motion.

My first intake appointment is in a week and a half.  I will be spending the whole morning getting acquainted with the system, meeting with mental health professionals, and possibly even participating in group therapy.  I am interested to see what I get out of all of this because it sure seems like a lot to do in a few hours time.  Also, we leave for a trip to Wisconsin the very next day.

I feel relieved even though I still have paperwork and talking to do before I actually get treatment.  It has also helped that we have the daycare situation squared away so I don’t have to expend enormous amounts of energy worrying about that.  I am looking forward to returning to a healthier state of mind.  I am looking forward to really living.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, PPD Tagged With: , , , 4 Comments

A little about PPD and me

January 20, 2008 By

After posting a week and a half ago about PPD, I started to do some reading on the subject.  I realized in my reading that things were a little worse than I had thought.  I should have known, as I am having more trouble writing, sleeping, remembering basic things, and even just being myself.  I am sure it sounds strange that after so many years of dealing with depression on and off, one could be depressed and not know it, but that’s probably why the illness is so nasty.  It sneaks up on you gradually until one day you think, huh, things just aren’t right here.

I think one of the worst parts of my depression is the paranoia.  This is almost crippling as it results in me not reaching out to my friends and family for fear that they will/do think poorly of me.  I feel as if I show weakness, I will never be able to take it back and that is all everyone will ever see.  Everything I say will always be suspect or somehow less credible.  Quite counter-productive when I’m trying to get out of this fog.

My depression has morphed over the years.  It used to involve sadless, listlessness, excessive sleep, and headaches.  I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to ignore those feelings, so my symptoms morphed a bit.  Paranoia, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion, loss of appetite, confusion are more likely to occur now.  Worst of all, normal every day life is overwhelming and I often feel trapped.

Plans are still in place to get myself out of the house more and to exercise, but those things are kind of on the backburner until our household recovers from this nasty cold.  Additionally, I’ve realized that these small steps may not be enough at this point, so I’ll be talking to my doctor.

For anyone else out there looking for information and anecdotes, I found ppdconnect extremely helpful.

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Another piece

January 11, 2008 By

Last night I laid in bed for over an hour before I finally fell asleep.  Jack was sleeping soundly next to me and yet my mind wouldn’t shut off and give in to slumber.  Instead I lay there with negative and paranoid thoughts until I started to question why it was happening.  Then I examined the past few weeks of what I have been calling “perpetual PMS” – the lack of energy, short temper, headaches, and feelings of disconnection, and I realized that I have started down the depression road again.  It’s interesting how long it takes me to figure it out, even after living with this affliction for (officially) 13 years now.  Luckily I have recognized it before things have gone too far, and I can put a plan into place to take better care of myself.

Last night I also became aware of how breastfeeding has made an impact on my life over the past 18 months.   Following the miscarriage of my first pregnancy, I struggled with severe post partum depression.  It was beyond anything I had experienced prior to that (or since); the grief of that loss was expected, but the hormonal landslide that occured ripped the floor from beneath me.  When I look back on that time, I don’t recognize myself at all.

After that period, which involved lots of medication and therapy, I worried that I would experience severe depression again even after a successful pregnancy.  This made the decision to breastfeed that much smarter in my case, as I had read that breastfeeding can help a new mother avoid depression.  It has certainly seemed to work for me; the level of depression I felt after Jack was born was mild and managed with relative ease.  As I lay in bed last night, I realized that the more serious symptoms of depression I’ve been experiencing have increased as I have decreased breastfeeding and pumping sessions.  There are other factors, of course, but for now, I have one more piece to add to the depression puzzle in my life.  I also have work to do to get myself back in shape!

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On why I'm a working parent

January 10, 2008 By

I hated maternity leave.  I worked up until I was 38.5 weeks pregnant and then I finally gave in and took time off due to late pregnancy fatigue.  Jack was quite overdue, so my leave ended up being quite a bit longer than I had planned (those extra 11 days seemed like forever).  While I waited for signs of impending labor, signs that did not come, I e-mailed my co-workers nearly every day to get work news; most of them would tell me nothing except, “Enjoy your time off!”  I checked my work email from home, responding when I could.  I would have gladly taken things home with me if I did not have a temp at work that was easily keeping up on the workload by herself.

Being around other people is vital to my mental health.  That is something I’ve learned to understand and respect about myself as I’ve grown older and as I’ve learned how to manage and avoid depression.  In isolation I drive myself crazy with my constantly racing thoughts; work related projects energize me and give my mind a direction and my thoughts a purpose.  Maternity leave was like being strapped into a straight jacket and locked in a white cell for days on end – I could not wait to get out.

The first two weeks after Jack was born were difficult for me, full of nursing troubles, cat naps, and getting exercise to ward off the baby blues.  We had some visitors, including Joe’s parents, to break up the days.  Joe went back to work two weeks after Jack was born, the same day his parents returned to Wisconsin, and except for brief visits from family and friends, I was left alone with my newborn.  By the time Jack was a month old, everyone I knew had returned to their regularly scheduled life.  I quickly went stir-crazy.

I see this happening with other new moms and yet I’m helpless in the face of their loneliness.  I still have no notion as to how to avoid the isolation of the post partum time.  Looking back now, returning to work when Jack was 6 weeks old seems really early but I remember all too well how those days dragged on while I waited for Joe to get home and take over.  There was nothing to keep me sane except for the breastfeeding support group that I attended for two hours each week.  I loved that group for getting me out of the house, but I made no friends there.  I returned home after the session every week only slightly less lonely.

I did not have a child so that I could stick him in daycare for someone else to raise, yet I cannot be a stay-at-home parent, as I have neither the money nor the mental capacity to withstand it.  Perhaps in a different time or place, I could have done it.  Because in my view, not only does it take a village to raise a child, but it takes a tightly-knit community to support parents.

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By the way, it’s national delurk day!  Please leave a comment to let me know you’re out there.  It doesn’t have to be related to this post, but I’d love to hear your thoughts if you have something to add!

Filed Under: Family, Issues, Parenting 101, PPD, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , Leave a Comment
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