I’ve been on depression medication for about two weeks now. I’m over the side effects for the most part and am feeling less like a stranger is taking over my body. I still have stressful days (like yesterday), which is of course normal, but instead of the stress rendering me despondent, I am able to see clearly enough to acknowledge my feelings and deal with them.
Now that I’m feeling more with it, I can try to describe what the worst of this depression has been like. It literally felt as if I was a casual observer of all that was going on, that the world around me was flying past so quickly that I could not keep up with the plot. I was often so confused and my thoughts so scattered that I was even having trouble deciphering the meaning of sentences. Words were like puzzle pieces but instead of my brain stringing them together to process an idea, it scattered and jumbled them so I was only able to capture a small piece of the meaning. I am not sure that I can really articulate it well. I guess I’ll just say that instead of feeling cemented to my chair because I’m in slow-motion while the rest of the world is playing normally, I now feel like part of the goings-on. I can participate in life!
I still have work to do. There are a lot of things that have been put on hold because I just couldn’t deal. The top of the list is my marriage. I haven’t figured out how to be fair to be a wife, a mother, and an independent woman. Joe and I are planning to regularly swap babysitting duty with my bro- and sis-in-law in the near future so that we can all get date nights and remember a little of what came before the babies! I know that will be immensely helpful and a big step in the right direction.
I am scheduled to take a course on depression management and continuing to see my psychiatrist, who is awesome and reminds me of Dustin Hoffman’s character in Stranger than Fiction (if you haven’t seen it, do!). With my history, the doctor advised me to consider medication as part of my vitamin regimen for the rest of my life. Instead of treating each episode of depression as if they were individual illnesses to be treated, I will instead strive to break the pattern with preventative medicine.
Most of all I must remember that with medication I’m still living the same life but now the light switch is turned on and I can see everything more clearly.