Truthiness Day 30: My Love Letter

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Self,

This is not an easy letter to write.  I definitely have a love/hate relationship with you.  I’m hoping the scale tips to more love as I age and get more therapy.  For now, here are the things I can say I love about you without reservation.

I love your ability to mobilize and get things done.  Once you have a clear task in front of you, it’s pretty awesome to see how it all comes together.  You also make it look pretty easy.  It’s like you have an invisible map or set of directions that only you can see.

Your ability to produce an amazing little kid is awesome.  I love you for your part in that.

I love your survival instinct.  Somehow you manage to navigate out of bad situations and keep yourself protected.  Somehow you ended up making it to a good spot in life despite the background from which you came.  You are also in pretty good working condition, considering…

You are very skilled at analysis and breaking situations down into simpler pieces.  I like that you can see both the facts and the emotions that are influencing people.  It’s a great thing that you can accept the feelings of others even if you can’t do anything about them – that may help them more than you, but it is still admirable.

I love your goofiness, sense of humor, and willingness to laugh at your own jokes (after all, someone has to!).  You never lost it, even when you were teased about it.  The expressiveness that goes along with the sense of humor is fantastic, too, although I could do without the forehead wrinkles.

Your hips, butt, and boobs are all pretty great.

Um…yeah.  I can’t come up with anything else.  Maybe because I value your modesty, as well.  ;)

Love,
Crystal

That’s the last of them!  Whew, that was tough.  If you  missed any of my posts in this series, you can check them all out under the “30 Days of Truth” category.

Truthiness Day 29: Make it go away

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I hope to do away with this facial expression that I often make:

Pursed lips and narrowed eyes…  This is a facial expression I learned from my mom; she has gotten to the point where she has this look on her face almost constantly.  Sure, it doesn’t look so bad here but it gets worse, especially when the occasion is not a happy one.  It’s a look that says “there is some emotion or thought I am trying to keep locked up but I am failing miserably.”  It serves no good purpose and it’s just plain unattractive.

Truthiness Day 28: Ankle Biter

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Well, if I got someone pregnant, that would just be freaking weird.  I guess I’d try to sell my story to the highest bidder.

If I were pregnant, I’d feel irritated at the waste of taking birth control pills.  I’d also be a little bit surprised that I had conceived unintentionally despite the combination of the pill and my wonky reproductive system.  I would also not be too surprised because I’m uber-paranoid about this type of thing.  I pretty much test weekly and have a stash of 50 pregnancy tests under the sink that I bought from Amazon in bulk…hey, I think this is the responsible thing to do when you’re a regular wine drinker and take other medications that aren’t so great for pregnancy.  Okay, fine.  I’m also slightly neurotic.

Other than that, I’d be both cautiously happy and freaking out.  Having a second child in this house is far from ideal due to a lack of space and the constantly barking dogs who live upstairs that would totally drive me mad when they wake up my newborn.  We’ve already decided that it would be better if Jack didn’t have to share a room with a sibling because he will be going back and forth between our house and his dad’s – he needs a space that is strictly his own.  We aren’t ready to move out of this house right now because the rent is dirt cheap for the area and Jack’s daycare is half a mile away.  The other rentals in our area are both more expensive and smaller and we don’t have a dime for a down payment on a house right now.

Idealistic thoughts aside, we’d totally make it work.  We’re good at planning, arranging, and we generally come out on top.  We want another child but unless it happens by accident we will probably end up planning the crap out of it and so who the hell knows when it will actually happen (although I’m aiming for before I turn 40).

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Truthiness Day 27: Sweetest Thing

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

It’s kinda funny to me that I have to write this one today because I’m in an epically bad mood.  I went to sleep too late last night with a migraine, woke up too early (it was pitch black still!  how could it be morning?), was antagonized not long after and the day was not much better from there.  There isn’t a whole lot of positivity going on in my brain today.  Instead I keep thinking about outstanding parking tickets and those people who think that everyone fits into either the conservative/Republican or liberal/Democrat boxes.  I love it when someone either pretends I am non-existent or says I am something that I’m not, don’t you?

Still, despite the black cloud over my head today I am functioning.  I can work and I can write.  I can pay bills and vote.  I can still love and hug and laugh (although it is harder).  I can eat cupcakes and drink wine if I so desire (or sweet tarts and vitamin water, if you insist on accuracy).  I don’t have a headache, which is a change from yesterday.  I have a wonderful husband (even if he does antagonize me in the morning) and child (even if he headbutts me almost daily) whom I love with all of my heart.

I have my life and livelihood and that’s a lot.

Truthiness Day 25: I’m Alive

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Well, I guess the short answer would be because I haven’t died yet.  DUH.  Other than that, I think there are a couple factors…

  1. I’m a pretty safe and responsible person who doesn’t engage in risky behavior.  I’ve been in one car accident in the entire time I’ve driven – and that was the other guy’s fault (he was at a stop sign, I was halfway through making my left turn when he T-Boned me).  In high school I even got a medal for my performance in my Health & Driver’s Ed class (I still find that funny).
  2. I have a kid.  I’m not allowed to die, at least while he depends on me!
  3. I don’t talk to strangers and I have a good street “don’t talk to me or I might scream at you for no reason” face.
  4. My uncle pulled me out of the pool that one time when I almost drowned.
  5. I aggressively seek help for my illnesses.

Truthiness Day 24: My Saturn Return Playlist

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Dear 2008,

You were a year of change.  I was 27 and the term “Saturn Return” fit this year perfectly.  I finally began taking care of myself – attended a Managing Depression class, started taking Prozac again and going to therapy, separated from Joe, moved out on my own for the first time in my life, and fell in love with David.  It was a hard year with so many ups and downs, and yet one of the most important of my life.  I mourned losses, faced bitterness, found hope, and discovered love again in all kinds of unexpected ways.  This playlist will always remind me of you – it runs the gamut of endings, beginnings, and everything between.

  1. We’re Going to be Friends – The White Stripes
  2. O Valencia! – The Decemberists
  3. (If You’re Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
  4. Young Folks – Pete Bjorn & John
  5. Let’s Never Stop Falling in Love – Pink Martini
  6. Hey Pretty – POE
  7. A Stroke of Luck – Garbage
  8. The Kill (Bury Me) – 30 Seconds to Mars
  9. Extraordinary Machine – Fiona Apple
  10. Struggle – Ringside
  11. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
  12. Nothing Better – The Postal Service
  13. Calling it Quits – Aimee Mann
  14. (Don’t Fear) The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
  15. Communication – The Cardigans
  16. Island – Heather Nova
  17. The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
  18. It’s Amazing – Jem
  19. Maybe Tomorrow – Stereophonics
  20. Rocket Man (I Think It’s Going to be a Long Long Time) – Elton John
  21. Hanging on Too Long – Duffy

From crying in the bathroom at work to finding my safe space in my own little apartment to gaining an understanding of my capacity to live and love, it was an amazing year.  Thanks for the memories.

Sincerely,
Crystal

Truthiness Day 23: Links to the Past

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had saved all of the notes my friends and I wrote back and forth in school.  For a long time I kept them in shoe boxes in my room at my mom’s.  When I moved out I threw them all out – I didn’t want to carry them with me from place to place, taking up a drawer or shelf that I could use for something I really needed.

I thought I would never care about reading those notes as an adult.  Now that I can’t remember a damned thing from the majority of my school years, I wish I had them.  I don’t remember what I did after school or what I liked about various boys or what I complained about.  I don’t remember who I was or what I talked about.

I should have kept those and gotten rid of my yearbooks.  My yearbooks contain pictures of people and things I don’t want to remember, reminders of the parts of school that were completely alien to me.  Those notes held the bulk of my grade school life in them, links to a past that no longer exists.

I wonder if my old friends have any of the notes I wrote to them…

Truthiness Day 21: In Case of Emergency

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I don’t really understand this question.  Getting into a fight an hour before is irrelevant, in my opinion.  Fights don’t change my love for a person.  So, as to what I would do if my friend were in an accident, I would do the same thing that I would do if there was no fight – I’d call and find out how serious the accident was and what I could do to help.  If it was a hospital situation, I’d sit vigil.  If it wasn’t too bad, I’d bake something or send flowers.

How difficult a decision is that?  For me, it’s not.

Truthiness Day 20: Drugs and Booze

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I’m completely torn on this subject….

On one hand, I’ve seen drugs wreak havoc on the lives of many, including my father.  From his hospital bed my dad told me to never do drugs and I listened – I never tried a single illegal substance for the first 28 years of my life.  That includes weed, people!  (When I finally did try weed, I didn’t like it anyway, only partly due to my asthma issues.)

On the other hand, I’ve known those who have dabbled in various drugs and never developed an addiction.  I’m not sure what the difference is between these people and others, although I know in my dad’s case there was a severe depression underlying his drug use.

Intellectually I think people should be able to use recreational drugs as they would like – if they are okay with the risks to their health and well being, then what do I care?  Their judgment may be impaired, though, and if it happens that they do something that endangers others or is illegal, appropriate punishment is understandable.

BUT…drugs can have such a damaging impact on a person’s ability to interact with others, hold down a job, parent, etc.  The parenting part really gets me, naturally.  Being under the influence can have a negative impact on parent-child attachment, which can also affect child development.  Most people on drugs ARE affecting others even if they aren’t trying to; I expect that is at least a part of why drugs are outlawed.

I also have personal trauma associated with drugs so…I recognize that I am highly biased.  I have trouble being around anyone who is on drugs because it triggers me like nobody’s business.  I generally try to keep that to myself because my PTSD isn’t THEIR problem.  Even if I intellectually I am fine with someone making that decision for themselves, emotionally I can’t handle it so…yeah, I don’t like drugs.

Alcohol I can handle.  Somehow that is different.  Maybe because a person can have like half a glass of wine and be okay?  There is some sort of distinction there for me that I can’t fully explain.  I still don’t think it’s a responsible thing to do to get drunk while caring for a child.  I think there should always be an adult around who can make sound decisions when a child is involved.  Doing shots while your kid is upstairs sleeping doesn’t seem right to me – it seems beyond risky.  I’m no expert, though.

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Truthiness Day 19: Religion and Politics

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

I guess I’ll go with politics.

I research candidates and issues that are on the ballot when I vote, and that is pretty much as involved in politics as I get these days.  I avoid the news and the irritating campaigns – they aren’t helpful and tend to be paranoia-inducing.  I watch the occasional debate but more for entertainment because all of the content pretty much just sounds like lip service to me.  I find politics to be disheartening for the most part and very frustrating, especially local (California) politics because HOLY CRAP these people here like to spend money they don’t have.  I’m so very sick of bond measures…

Voting is kind of a shot in the dark, in my opinion.  You make your best educated guess and hope that in a few decades there will be more forward-moving than backward.

I think I mostly vote so that I feel entitled to bitch about things with which I disagree…

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