Happy Second Birthday To My Second-Born!

It’s been two whole years since this little spitfire shot into our world.

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He was so chill and easy in the beginning, but we have learned that those first few months of peace were just the calm before the storm.

Before Hurricane Dezaroo hit.

And now he is TWO! This quote illustrates this stage of life perfectly, I think:

“It’s saying no. That’s your first hint that something’s alive. It says no. That’s how you know a baby is starting to turn into a person. They run around saying no all day, throwing their aliveness at everything to see what it’ll stick to. You can’t say no if you don’t have desires and opinions and wants of your own. You wouldn’t even want to. No is the heart of thinking.”
― Catherynne M. Valente, The Girl Who Soared Over Fairyland and Cut the Moon in Two

He says no. A lot. Mostly, “NOOO DOGGYYYYYY!!” He thinks Lambert is trying to steal his food, which is pretty funny considering he throws said food to Lambert when he’s finished eating it himself.

Sigh.

He has already taught me a lot in his two years. Mostly I have learned that everything I thought I knew from parenting Jack would be useless while parenting Dez. My two kids could not be more different! Although, they both have loads of personality, so I guess they have that in common.

Dez is active and loud and tests boundaries. He already struggles with major FOMO (fear of missing out) and fights sleep more than any other human being I know. He climbs and jumps and dances and runs and throws balls – he is always moving. He has a mean arm on him, too! Just the other day I found a golf ball in the garbage disposal.

If he doesn’t play ALL of the sports as he grows, I will be shocked!

It seems like the time has gone so fast. I barely remember his infancy. I miss that brief time when I could set him down and he couldn’t go anywhere! He is definitely now more of a little boy than a baby, and so very independent.

We weaned at the end of June and he did very well. He learned to sleep through the night at the same time (hallelujah! I finally got some sleep! Huge props to David for parenting solo for a week, which allowed this to happen!). A few weeks later we tried to separate our bed from the crib but…Dez climbed right over the side of the crib. So he was unceremoniously moved into his own (safe)room.

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Little toddler, big room!

The transition to his big boy room has not been easy, but it’s been a couple weeks now and he is adjusting. And so are we; we are figuring out that most things with Dez are just going to happen the hard way!

I’m sure we’ll get used to it, right?

Or, at least, it will all be worth it just to have this amazing, vibrant little boy in our life!

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Happiest of birthdays, Desmond. Mama loves you like crazy!

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Double Digits

Tomorrow my first born son is ten years old. Double digits.

I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about this date as it loomed ever closer. The thought of Jack being TEN caused panic to bubble up in my chest and claw at my throat. My eyes would burn with tears and I had to hold back from clutching him tightly to me.

I didn’t don’t feel ready for this.

But the time is here nonetheless.

Jack almost 10

Looking like a teen!

One would think that after ten years as a parent I would feel more ready to let Jack grow up and move into the next stage of his life. But I haven’t been spending my time over the last decade preparing for this moment–not at all. After his cancer diagnosis, I focused on preserving his childhood as much as possible. And before that I spent a lot of time working to figure out how to be the mom he needed and haphazardly uncovering my own issues along the way.

I feel as if I’ve been sidetracked so many times. I’m not sure I’m much closer to knowing what I’m doing than I was on the day he was born. In fact, I feel that only now am I getting to the point where I can see the breadth of what I don’t know about raising a person to be a self-actualized adult. And I guess while focusing on all of that I simply forgot to prepare myself for the whole growing up thing.

But Jack will keep on growing even if I waste time being hung up on worries over the future.

Jack is an incredible human being. If I stop thinking about my own experience being his mother for even a second, I know that he will navigate the coming years in his own way and craft them into an adventure as he goes. That same creativity and empathy that seem to emphasize his youth right now will also help steer him on his path to becoming an amazing man.

I really just need to stand back and let it happen because, whether I’m ready or not, Jack is growing up.

Crystal and Jack in Bath

On an adventure together in England.

Oh, What A Year

Desmond is one year old.

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Desmond looking handsome in a bow tie at his first birthday party.

That statement makes me want to laugh and cry and shake my head and hide all at the same time. Where has the time gone? How can I slow it down?

That seven-pound, one-ounce boy who shot into the world last September is now a real person and not just a squishy baby. He has preferences and makes them known! He has a firm place here in our lives and it’s inconceivable that there was ever a time he wasn’t around.

At his recent well baby check-up, Dez weighed in at 21lb. 12oz. and measured slightly over 30″ (they measured twice but didn’t get an accurate reading because he refuses to lay down and be still). [Side note: I’ve gotten quite good at putting diapers on while Desmond is on his hands and knees or standing up.]

David and I sat talking the other night (a rare moment when the house is quiet and we can both still communicate before passing out) about our second son and his future. He is a driven little guy. Dez never stops moving, seeking, daring. We already know he is going to test our limits more than Jack ever has – this kid has no fear. Not only that, but when he is doing something he knows he’s not supposed to do, he hesitates and looks back to make SURE we are watching him – once he has our attention, he cackles and goes for it! He is one cheeky little dude.

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Dez playing peek a boo

At a year, he is on the verge of so many things. We are hearing the beginnings of words. They all kind of sound the same, and he is very selective about using them, but I’m pretty sure he says dog and Jack. When Dez can’t see his dad, he stands at the baby gate holding the bars and yelling, “DAAAAHHH!” over and over until David shows up.

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Dez yelling, “Daaaahhh!”

By the end of our recent trip to the east coast, he squeaked out a “bye” and finally learned to wave (although, again, he does so selectively and often AFTER the person is out of sight). He says a lot of unintelligible things, as well – in particular he seems to love making a grand gesture by throwing his arm in the air and letting out a stream of baby babble as if he were giving a speech.

I’m hoping one day I can say, “Desmond is a great speaker” and NOT “my second son is a dictator.”

He is, in a word, ACTIVE. He is cruising on the furniture, crawling super fast (and only in the last few weeks have I noticed he’s on all fours instead of on his belly), climbing over the dog, and he took to the stairs at his grandparents’ and aunt’s houses as if he had climbed them before in a dream.

Baby climbing the stairs

Climbing the stairs at 11 months.

He loves to throw a ball and is surprisingly good at it! He digs being chased around the couch or peeking over the back at whomever is sitting there. He has recently developed a keen sense of whether the baby gate is open even when it’s out of his site and will stop whatever he is doing (often, nursing) and propel himself toward it. One of us then has to dash across the room to shut the gate just before his little fingers get in the way. Dez then wails loudly until we distract him with something else (“Dez! Look at the ball popper!”).

That kid loves to eat, as well. He waves his arms excitedly when food appears and demands to be fed – especially if others around him are eating. Yogurt melts and puffs are his favorite snacks, but he will try anything from egg salad to meatballs (making good use of his six teeth). Food makes him pretty freakin’ happy. Oh wait – EXCEPT cake! We’ve tried cake twice and he threw it on the floor both times. How in the world is this kid related to me?

Baby with first cake

Dez about to chuck his vanilla cream cheese birthday cake onto the floor.

Dez expresses love for us now and it’s the cutest thing! Yesterday Jack was upset and climbed into my lap for hugs. Dez piled on, laying his head against Jack’s back and started patting Jack’s shoulder. And when we wake up in the morning Dez likes to climb all over his dad and me and lay his head on our shoulders. He shares things – he always shows me the star map on his dad’s phone and, less awesome, he shares his food with the dog.

We have our challenges with him. Aside from the fatigue that comes with chasing an active toddler (or reading every book that he shoves in our faces), there is also the fact that he still doesn’t sleep through the night. Jack didn’t sleep through the night at this age, either, so I’m not concerned but I AM tired. Not only that, but many nights David is the only one who can get Dez to go to sleep. That usually involves holding him, SHHing, and letting him thrash and cry until he passes out. He used to fall asleep to me nursing him, but no more (except for naps). I don’t know what that’s about. There is also the fact that he won’t stay still during diaper changes, as I mentioned before.

Separation anxiety is at a peak right now, too. Dez hates it when anyone leaves the room, but especially when I leave the room. He also has stranger anxiety and had no idea what was going on when Jack came home having cut all his hair off this past weekend! Desmond could not get into my arms – and away from his brother – fast enough. On the bright side, I suppose that means he is good and attached to us. And luckily he warms up to other people fairly quickly.

So…here we are beginning the journey into year two. I find myself both excited and sad. I can’t wait to see what Dez is going to do next, but at the same time I want to savor the moments when my child is still small and roley-poley and his world is fairly simple. After all, I am keenly aware of how quickly nine years can pass.

All in all, I’m so thankful for this sweet boy and count myself as one lucky mama.

Daddy and toddler

Dez and Daddy

Jack Is 9 Years Old

My first baby turned 9 years old on Monday. It’s simply unfathomable to me that 9 years have passed since Jack was born – nearly a decade since he was conceived. As I wrote in his birthday card, there must be magic or trickery involved in the passage of time because it feels like only yesterday that he was born.

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Proof he was once a baby…

Jack has grown and changed so much in his 9 years. It’s highlighted especially next to his babbling, roley-poley baby brother who can’t walk or say a single sentence. Jack is writing poems and stories and reading novels. He has ideas about how the world works – and he expresses them clearly – and they are all his own. He is goofy and laughing one minute, and the next politely requesting that I not jokingly call him a weirdo. He is 4’4″ – less than a foot of height separates us now! His feet are sure to eclipse mine in size soon, too.

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Tween boy!

There are still some very kid-like qualities to him, of course. He still prefers imaginative games over board games. Although his diet does not resemble that of most kids (he would live on raw fruits and veggies if he could), he is still a pretty selective eater. He has branched out a bit – in the last 6 months or so he finally decided he liked pizza – but for the most part he eats like he did when he was 3. He loves to draw (as he has since he was 2), and has taken a liking to coloring, as well. He still loves to have books read to him before bed – we just finished Nightbirds on Nantucket and Harriet the Spy, and now we are reading The Tale of Despereaux and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. He could easily read these books to himself (he is reading Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire on his own) but he is attached to the routine and loves the one-on-one time. (I love it, too.)

Jack is a cerebral kid – always has been. He has zero interest in sports and other physical pursuits, although he does run around on the playground with his friends (as long as they are imagining they are monsters or aliens at the time). He loves science fiction and is currently devouring any form of media on aliens he can find. He was perfectly happy to get a bunch of books for birthday presents this year – something that initially bummed him out at his 8th birthday party (although he appreciated it later). He poses questions about the world that are incredibly challenging to answer – and he likes to listen to science and history podcasts with me.

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Looking spiffy in a suit and tie.

Our relationship has changed somewhat, partially due to his age and partially due to the addition of Desmond to the family. I’m less the default parent that he turns to when he needs something. This has made his bond with David much stronger, and Jack seems to want to learn from David more and more. He has grown more independent, as well – he will disappear into his bedroom for extended periods of time to read or write or just be by himself.

He is such a sensitive, caring kid. He is funny and kind. He is smart, quirky, and just seems to have a special light inside of him.

I’m so glad that I get to be his mom and watch him grow up.

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Jack is Eight!

I can hardly believe it, but my big boy is eight years old. And what a difference a year makes!

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Jack, age 7 (July ’13)

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Jack Age 8 (July ’14)

He is shedding his baby face a bit more every year. He is 3″ taller and 3lbs. heavier than he was a year ago, putting him at 4’1″ and 51 lbs. now. He is only 13″ shorter than me! He is so much stronger than he looks or knows – he throws his arms around me and nearly bowls me over every time.

He is reading chapter books on his own. His favorite books are the Bunnicula series of books, but he likes anything with talking animals and magic.

He is still a child, but he has moments where he shows so much wisdom. He was having a rather difficult time on his birthday because he was disappointed in one of his gifts (the one that was the largest but turned out to be something he was not interested in). He told me, “I know I’m overreacting. I know it’s just one present and shouldn’t be the only thing I focus on.”

He still loves art (drawing in particular – he doesn’t have the patience for coloring and he doesn’t like the lack of control with painting) and Dr. Who is his favorite thing in the world. He does take breaks from watching repeats of Dr. Who by checking out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (shhh, don’t tell anyone – it’s a guilty pleasure for him), although he complains when he feels something in the show is inappropriate for kids.

Jack is overflowing with empathy. When I’m sick or tired, he brings me stuffed animals to snuggle with in bed and draws pictures for me. He tries to be helpful by feeding the dog and cats (I forget to reward him with tokens for it now and he never asks). When his cousin accompanied us to the toy store this past weekend, Jack asked if she could have a toy, too, so that she didn’t feel left out.

More and more, Jack is gaining independence. He helps himself to snacks out of the pantry and can pick out his own clothes. He spends time alone in his room with the door closed,  usually reading or drawing or playing with his legos or iPad. He recently took his first shower, which BLEW HIS MIND. He giggled at the feeling of the shower on his back and he said showering “feels like cuddling.” It sounds like he even prefers it to baths now.

There are still challenges, as there are at every age. He often seems caught between his childish urges and his maturing brain. He still loves his stuffed animals and sleeps with his plush menagerie (which most recently included a hedgehog, a giant tarantula, a tiny owl, the killer bunny from Monty Python, and a squirrel dressed as Darth Vader that we’ve named Darth Nut). He still struggles with a  fear of the dark and of various bugs (spiders, moths, mosquitoes). He is moody and has gotten in trouble more often lately – trying his hand at lying or outright defiance.

I am so proud of him. He’s smart, compassionate, loving, creative and funny. He is so very strong and brave, even though he doesn’t know it yet.

He is my amazing eight-year-old boy. I am looking forward to seeing what his future holds.