The next phase

July 12, 2011 By 4 Comments

My boy is 5 tomorrow.  Rather than shower him with more toys than he possibly needs, I thought it would be better to give him an experience.  So we’re waking up bright and early(ish) to take him to the amusement park in Vallejo called Discovery Kingdom.  He has alternately been excited at the prospect and worried about the rides.  I’m hoping he sees how fun the kiddie roller coasters are and goes for it once we’re there!

His dad and step-mom threw a birthday party this past Sunday in a park (pictures are here).  A bunch of kids came and everyone ran around being goofy.  Jack got a ton of “help” with opening birthday presents and was a very good sport about it.  He got a ton of awesome stuff and we were able to split up the ‘loot’ between our two households without trouble.

He is growing in leaps and bounds.  He is out of the T-sizes completely now.  He goes through shoes like nobody’s business (each pair lasts maybe 2 months) and it seems like he never stops eating (or talking).  That kid will pretty much eat anything.  I think his favorite food right now is pickled cabbage!

He can read and write so many words and sentences.  He has asked questions like, “why does elephant have a p in it?”  I was only slightly annoyed by a recent picture he drew because I was also proud that he spelled it all on his own (the yin yang is a product of seeing Kung Fu Panda not too long ago):

He knows a ton about Vikings and Jotuns, thanks to his dad.  He’s going to be quite the History buff in school, I’m thinking.

Jack loves aliens and “scary shows.”  Scooby Doo is his favorite, followed closely by Ben 10: Ultimate Alien.  He spends a ton of time drawing aliens and constructing Lego spaceships.  It doesn’t seem to matter that I suck with Legos – I just tell him it’s a space buggy or space glider and he totally buys it.

He is amazing with little kids.  He is the popular one in daycare and also the oldest.  His little friends gather around when he arrives in the morning to see what he’s brought with him and to show him anything they’ve brought.  It’s damned adorable!  Jack’s little cousin Sabrina was here this weekend and Jack was so good about showing her how to do various things (like putting toys back on the shelf in Target) – even when Sabrina wasn’t so much about listening.  It seems like he was a born leader and a born older brother figure.  That makes my heart squishy.

He seems to be more afraid of things lately.  He worries about monsters in the dark and asks about death.  I have been assured that this is fairly typical of a 5 year old.  Still, it hurts my heart when he cries for an hour because he’s afraid his friend Syndey is going to “stretch her arm into our house and steal [his] books.”  It’s heartbreaking and hilarious all at the same time.

I can’t believe I have a five year old.  Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Enhanced by Zemanta
Filed Under: Growing Up, Milestones Tagged With: , , , , ,

Separate but equal: living arrangements

January 22, 2010 By 1 Comment

Parenting in a non-nuclear family is a mix of good and bad, it seems.  It’s nice when one parent is sick and we don’t want to pass it onto our kid – Jack usually stays with the healthy parent while the other convalesces.  When all parents are sick, it gets more complicated but we usually figure something out.  On holidays when daycare is closed, we have four parental figures and chances are that at least one of us is taking the day off or working from home.  Things get sticky when each parent has different rules, but we are navigating this as we go.

Custody and visitation have been fairly easy for us to work out up to now.  We try to maximize Jack’s time with each parent based on work schedules.  We get as close to 50/50 as we can; it usually ends up closer to 60/40, though.  A potential challenge we’ve run into recently is the prospect that we might not all continue to live in the Bay Area.  The economy has been a crapshoot for quite some time and all of Jack’s parents work in different markets and areas (public & private sectors).  Some areas of business are doing okay, while others continue to struggle.  It’s quite possible that this geographic area can’t sustain all at the same time.

We pondered this question earlier this week when the subject of one of the family segments moving to southern California came up.  The implications are mind boggling.  None of us wants to see less of Jack; each home is open to being a primary residence.  A drive between the Bay Area and SoCal is 6-8 hours…that kind of commute for visitation exchanges would no doubt suck for all of us.  A flight is quick but would grow expensive over the year(s).  The 50/50 arrangement would definitely not work (especially once kindergarten is in the picture); we’d all be missing Jack for weeks or months at a time.

I have to say, this is the most difficult issue I’ve faced since the separation.  With effort, we can generally make most things more comfortable and harmonious than when we were married…I don’t think that this is one one of those things.  I can’t help but worry about the impact on all of us.


Filed Under: Divorce, Family, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Villagers

August 27, 2009 By 2 Comments

I’m kind of a homebody mom.  I never thought I would be – I thought I’d be the mom that showed her kid the world in every way.  But no – I get nervous when I think about taking Jack out somewhere.  The logistics freak me out.

How is my 5’2″ self going to carry a 35lb+ kid and a diaper bag?  The kid refuses to sit in a stroller and LOVES being held by me.

What if he throws a fit because he doesn’t want to go?  What if he throws a fit because he doesn’t want to leave?

What am I going to pack for lunch? What if he gets too busy to eat?

What if this activity runs into naptime?

How much is this going to cost us?

Is it really worth it when he’d have just as much fun playing ninja fight at home with balloons and it wouldn’t interrupt meals and naptime?

It’s a major internal struggle for me and I have no idea where it comes from (other than I tend to be a worrier in general).  Sometimes we only make it to the backyard where Jack likes to dig in the dirt while I sit and read.  Sometimes I rush us out of the house before I can really think about anything, which usually happens within an hour of waking up and before I’ve had any coffee.  In essence, I trick myself.  It generally turns out alright, but it still doesn’t happen frequently.

Sometimes I beat myself up for being the type of parent who would rather sit and color with music playing than run around outdoors with her kid (echos of the common 1980s complaint that kids these days don’t spend enough time outdoors in my head), and then I remembered one of the Psychology classes I took a few years ago.  What sticks out in my mind from that class is the discussion we had about the purpose behind having multiple parents (as in – what is the evolutionary purpose and why can’t we procreate singularly?).  We talked about the fact that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses.

When you are part of a team, such as with two parents (or, in our case, four), the major perk is that there are others to fill in the gaps in the collective knowledge base.  In Jack’s life, he has a mom who is a self-described “indoors girl” and a father that is a completely outdoorsy guy.  Jack’s step-parents offer further strengths.  Collectively we’re all part of Jack’s village and somehow we’ve struck a great balance in this little community.  When I look at the bigger picture, it all makes sense, and I really think Jack is lucky in so many ways.

Filed Under: Family, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The ending

August 22, 2009 By 2 Comments

It’s been over a year since Joe and I split up.  I was chatting with him recently and we agreed that it seems like a lifetime ago that we were married.  So much has happened in the past year that our previous life together seems unreal.  I can’t speak for his experience in all this, but I thought I would write a bit about my perspective.

The hardest part about a divorce, especially after 9 years of marriage, is figuring out the relationship with in-laws.  Being married at 18 means that I grew up with these people.  I spent every Christmas of the last decade with them.  I’m godmother to my niece Emily.  Joe’s mom was there for Jack’s birth and I work with Joe’s brother (which was a little awkward at first but is totally fine now).  I have struggled a lot with the question of whether divorce means that I lose these connections, if I give up the right to know what they are doing.  I am still hopeful that that is not the case.  How does one divorce a person without making their whole family feel divorced?  I still have no answer.

Another difficult aspect of a divorce, at least one with a child involved, is the part where you still have to deal with many of the issues that were there in the marriage.  A procrastinator spouse may be (endearingly) annoying, but when that person becomes your ex and you are suddenly dealing with waiting to hear back about a custody schedule change or something, it becomes a giant bone of contention.  After divorcing someone you end up dealing with the bad stuff without enough of the good stuff to balance it out.  That came as a bit of a surprise to me.  I did not realize that separation and divorce are not all that separate.

All in all I think our split has turned out better than anyone could have expected.  Jack is still the well-adjusted funny little kid he was before but now he gets dedicated time with each parent.  Both Joe and I have met wonderful people who make us fantastically happy.  Jack has four parents now to teach him and care for him, and we all bring different strengths to the equation.  When Joe and his girlfriend moved last month, David helped them.  It was surreal for me, having my boyfriend help out my ex-husband, but it is how I hoped things would be.  I feel very lucky be surrounded with people who want everything to go as smoothly as possible and recognize the importance of one another’s roles.  I feel lucky that everyone is moving on and finding happiness instead of continuing to struggle with a marriage that just wasn’t working.

Our divorce paperwork is in the final stages.  The papers are all filled out and in proper order but the courts are not making it easy on us.  The papers have been rejected twice and the second time was completely unexplained.  This last technicality lingers before I can have a final resolution to that story in my life.  I’m very much looking forward to the future.

Filed Under: Family, Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Making of a Step-Family

April 8, 2009 By 2 Comments

Jack’s daycare is closed this week for spring break.  Since David is still job hunting (applying for the few and far between jobs that come available – arg, the economy surely sucks!), Jack is at home with him.  David has watched Jack by himself for a few hours at a time upon occasion and has helped with day-to-day care of Jack but this is the first time he’s had extended sole responsibility of the boy.  And you know what?  He is doing a fantastic job!

I’m not that surprised.  David is a natural with kids and also extremely observant.  He has absorbed a lot about how I parent just by watching and living with me and Jack.  He has integrated into the step-father role with a larger amount of ease than I thought was possible.  This just makes me love him that much more!

Monday went even more smoothly than I had anticipated.  Not only did Jack have *fun* with David, but he ate really well, played at the park, and even took a two hour nap!  David is proud of himself and with good reason – getting a toddler to nap is not usually an easy feat and two hours of sleep?  That is pure perfection.

I am truly enthralled watching the step-parenting transition happen and the bond grow between David and Jack.  Parenting with blood relatives is fairly straight-forward as you have the obvious ties and social norms to rely on.  Joe and I had some things to negotiate between the two of us in our parenting partnership, but our responsibilities toward Jack were pretty simple to determine.  The step-parent integration seems more complex, as it generally takes place over less time and the dynamics aren’t always readily apparent or accepted.  Rejection can come from the child, the mother, the father, or the person doing the step-parenting.  David has had to consider everything he does with Jack from the perspective of Jack, of me, and of Joe.  He has been very careful not to step on any toes while at the same time interacting with Jack in a manner that would get them on the right path to a symbiotic step-parent/-child relationship.  His methods have paid off, it seems.  I’m sure there will be challenges that aren’t resolved easily in the future, but it is good to know we have some success to build upon.

Filed Under: Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , ,

Little update on my personal life

December 19, 2008 By 5 Comments

I have been very hesitant to say anything on this blog about what has been going on for me personally, but the dust has settled somewhat so perhaps I can report on a few things.  I think last time I mentioned anything, Joe and I had decided to separate.  That separation was painful, mainly due to the hurt we caused our family members.  After 11 years together, there is no way to make something like this seamless.  The separation turned into divorce, for which I filed the paperwork almost a month ago.  Good lord, did that involve a lot of paper!!  It’s unbelievable how difficult the whole process is.

Jack has transitioned really well.  Joe moved a little over an hour away from us but I have tried to keep everything stable for Jack by staying in Alameda and keeping him in the same daycare.  This has done wonders.  Since the very beginning of all of this, he has been his normal self at home for the most part.  He did have some trouble going between me and Joe for the first month or so, but as soon as Joe found his footing and was able to stabilize things on his end, Jack’s demeanor also improved.

It’s tiring, all of it.  Dividing up our belongings, speaking with family and friends about the reasoning behind the decision, being solely responsible for Jack most of the days of the week, carting Jack to and from Marin several times per week (due to daycare/work schedules, Joe can’t take Jack two days in a row), filing paperwork and getting finances in order…divorce is not the easy way out, that is for sure.  I knew as soon as I moved into my new apartment, though, that I was going in the right direction and that has kept me afloat (along with a lot of support from family and friends).

Despite entering the dating scene with no expectations of finding anyone with whom I would click, I met someone special very quickly.  All I can say is that I got incredibly lucky and things fell into place at just the right time.  David and Jack get along famously, which is another amazing blessing.  I feel like I’ve moved mountains to make this life that I have now possible, but it was so worth it.

I am finally leaving behind the depression that I have been working so hard to fight off for the last few years.  I am halfway done with an intensive therapy program.  It has been really, really exhausting (in addition to everything else I’ve been doing!) to deal with some old wounds but it is leaving me feeling lighter and happier than I ever  have before.  And that has allowed me to be a better mom to Jack.

Filed Under: Parenting 101, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , ,