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Yet Again, I’m Blogging About Mental Health

May 15, 2013 By

Today is Mental Health Month Blog Day. Mental health – and illness – is a topic of great importance to me and something I’ve written about before. It’s importance has only grown as I’ve gotten older. My experiences with mental illness have led me to get involved in helping others through sites like Band Back Together and I try to speak about my experiences openly and honestly whenever possible.

Did you know that a quarter of Americans experience a diagnosable mental health disorder every year? It’s highly likely that you or someone you know (or SEVERAL someones you know!) is dealing with mental illness. And yet, “research published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior (Vol. 41, No. 2) finds that 68% of Americans do not want someone with a mental illness marrying into their family and 58% do not want people with mental illness in their workplaces.”

Whaaaat??

This is why it’s important to talk about mental health!

I'm Blogging for Mental Health.

I was diagnosed at age 15 with depression after I read an article in a magazine. Mental illness runs in my family – my dad, my mom, my brother, my grandmother, and cousins have been diagnosed with various problems – but I was one of the first to receive a diagnosis and treatment. Once I was diagnosed, a number of my family members realized they struggled with the same issues as I did and sought help. Our family life improved drastically after we got help.

Getting help was the best thing I ever did – for me and for my whole family.

I thought I knew everything I needed to know about depression by the time Jack was born, over 10 years after I was initially diagnosed, but then I experienced Postpartum Depression and PTSD reared its ugly head. I threw myself into therapy once again, this time taking a multi-pronged approach with group therapy, skills building classes, and individual therapy along with medication. I went through a variety of these intense therapies for about four years before I felt like I could take a break.

Treatment has been tremendously helpful. In many ways, I am a different person than I was before that very intense therapy. I grew up with so much trauma and while that is common, it’s not easy to cope with. I came up with some very creative ways of coping but the coping didn’t end when the traumas did. And because I was so busy coping, I wasn’t living.

But treatment alone would not have done it for me. I needed community. I needed friends and family. And as difficult as it was to reach out, I did. And my friends and family kept me going throughout my treatment.

Now my son struggles to cope with the challenges in his young life, partly due to genetics and partly due to his experiences with cancer. I am especially thankful these days that I took the time to help myself! I am strong enough now to help him. I can tell him that it’s okay to be sad and that he doesn’t have to just CHEER UP and GET OVER IT. I can help him grieve and move on so that his feelings won’t haunt him for years and years. And I can show him how to ask for help from family and the medical community.

He doesn’t have to be alone.

It is my hope that – eventually – no one will have to go through mental illness alone. Mental illness was something I struggled with by myself for a long time and it wasn’t until I got help from others that I truly started to find healing. It was 100% worth it.

I encourage you all to share your experiences and to reach out to others – whether you are the one struggling or you know someone else who is. Even if the results are small, they make a difference and can change a life.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

Everything Is Against Him

March 6, 2013 By

It’s been a hard week. And it’s only Wednesday.

Monday and Tuesday Jack was late to school. This is sadly too common. He is soooooo slow to get anything done and any hurrying I try to do just stresses him out and delays him further. The school office doesn’t blink anymore when we come in late. They also don’t mark his tardies as excused, though.

The biggest issue we’ve been fighting with is clothing. Monday he had trouble with pockets being too bulky. Tuesday it was that the waist of the pants was too loose. Sometimes things don’t feel good on his skin. Or they feel damp (when they are probably just cold). This pair of underwear goes up too high, or this shirt isn’t the one he feels like wearing today.

Today it was all about socks. They bunch up. They don’t fit right. They feel weird when he puts his shoes on. The heel is in the wrong spot. The seam bothers his toes.

His shoes are a whole other story. He wears one pair and the soles are badly worn down. I’ve bought two pairs in the last two weeks and he can’t stand to wear either of them because they are too tight or too uncomfortable. Even though he tried them on at the store and said they fit!

Homework hasn’t been easy. Jack hates to be corrected. We ask him if he’s put forth his best effort and he says no…so then he has to keep trying. And then he says he’s tired. Or he storms off into his room and slams the door and hides because he’s frustrated about having to think. He did this several times last night. I try to get him to focus on doing what he knows first. We can worry about corrections later. But he stumbles over some of the math concepts and gets frustrated when he can’t grasp them quickly.

I don’t doubt he’s tired, honestly. He is difficult to drag out of bed in the mornings (at least, during the school week). He gets to bed much later than I would like because of how long it takes him to eat, and then the hour of waiting time before he can take his pills, and then the dawdling that happens during bed prep time. By the time I get him to bed my evening is gone, too. We’re all tired.

Time is a big problem. He eats slowly and runs out of time to play, which upsets him a lot. At school he hasn’t been finishing his lunch because he’s afraid of running out of time to play. Or sometimes another kid distracts him from eating.

Jack exclaims, “Everything is against me!” or “I never get to have fun!” Then he berates himself – “Ohhhh, why do I waste so much time?!” and smacks himself in the head.

We try to remind him that he has friends and family that aren’t against him. That clothes aren’t out to get him. That he gets to have fun at recess and he gets to watch Scooby Doo and work on various craft projects. We make deals (he’s been a fan of deals in the past) – if he finishes two pages of homework, we can build or color or craft together. We have reward charts for things he needs to focus on – finishing homework, being gentle with the cat, brushing his teeth without dawdling. Various things work for a day or two before they no longer seem to motivate him.

I don’t know how to help Jack. I don’t know how to help myself, either. I feel defeated and so very tired.

Somehow, we need relief.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Growing Up, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

The Inconsiderate Visitor

February 6, 2013 By

I haven’t been doing well. I don’t know exactly what is causing it (out of the many possibilities) but I’m depressed and struggling every day now. I’m worried about everything and when I’m not worried I find it hard to care at all. And I’m always very, very tired.

I think being on guard constantly – just waiting for something else to come up (because my life seems to always have something crazy waiting in the wings) and throw a wrench in the works – has taken its toll. Even small, relatively fixable things have me reeling. I think it’s just that there is always something – whether it’s Jack trying to stab himself in the eye or changes at work or an illness or some nut leaving a garbage bag full of weed trimmings outside our house (yeah – that happened this weekend)…it’s kind of like I’m in a boxing match and I should just stay down already because I’m just going to keep getting walloped if I stay in the fight.

I’m getting help. I’m going to a depression group to try to get back into the swing of self-care. Unfortunately even that is a bit depressing – during the first session I was singled out as having a reason to be ‘legitimately’ depressed and there were audible gasps when I admitted my kid has cancer. So yeah…my kid has cancer and that sucks and OF COURSE I’m depressed, right?

Except I can’t be! I need to work and keep up with the health insurance. I need to help Jack with his homework (it takes him extra effort to do the math portions) and administer medication and take care of my pets and various other chores. I can’t be depressed. I have to suck it up and get out of bed and get Jack to his appointments or school or to his dad on time. There is no time for depression! How dare it pay me a visit when I so obviously can’t entertain even a second of it!

I know I’m hard on myself. David tells me so. The doc I saw yesterday told me so. I know I’m depressed and instead of being nice to myself I sit there and tell myself that I shouldn’t be depressed – Jack is doing great! We have a house! We have jobs! We have a ton to be grateful for.

I need this depression to be over so I can get back to enjoying my life.

And I could use a few breaks here and there, too.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Issues Tagged With: , , , , , , , 7 Comments

Still Swimming

June 4, 2012 By

Things are in motion and going pretty well. Our packing is coming along nicely, we bought a sofa and loveseat to be delivered on the day we move into the new house, and we’re  in the midst of moving all of our utility accounts over. That will all likely be finished this week.

Jack is hanging in there. He’s got some aches and pains but if you didn’t know him, you’d probably be surprised to hear that he is fighting cancer. I notice his thinner frame and knobbier knees, his dry skin, the shadows under his eyes, the shorter temper…but I’m his mom. I can’t help myself from tracking cancer symptoms, possible side effects, making note of his weight loss at the clinic…

But I’ve worn myself out and it’s becoming obvious to others. Aside from a recent incident where I forgot to include one of Jack’s medications in the bag that I gave to his dad when we had our exchange, I also – for the first time ever – started driving the car without having buckled Jack into his booster seat! We didn’t make it too far down the road before Jack panicked over his freedom in the backseat and I pulled over. Ugh, I hate that I’m letting things slip like that. My memory is even more useless than it was before any of this started. David is getting sick of me asking the same question over and over again…and I hardly know what day it is at any given time (although Monday still manages to slap me in the face – you just can’t forget it’s Monday…).

Clearly it’s time for that LOA. Nine days until that starts!

I’m thankful we have five months of Jack’s treatments behind us. There is so much less fear in me now. There is a lot less worry than there was in the beginning. I’m seeing that Jack is doing incredibly well under the circumstances, and that is reassuring!

The decreased levels of fear and constant worry have made room for chronic fatigue and depression. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t want to go to work. Going out of the house for something as simple as looking at a few couches takes all of my energy. I’ve suddenly turned into an introvert; having a conversation with someone outside of my immediate family or super close friends wipes me out. I suppose that’s because I feel so braindead that anytime someone asks me a question, I have an urge to reply, “My kid has cancer.” Total buzz kill, ya know.

At least we are getting our house. I’m looking forward to that. It’s one thing to hibernate, but to do it in a place you love makes it a lot better!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Getting Lost With Ghosts

April 26, 2012 By

I wish I had better things to say. I wish I could say I’m doing a great job of handling everything that is going on right now. I do have good days and bad days – the bad days are taken over by anxiety attacks and depression, while my good days are still filled with weariness and worry. I’ve been burying myself in television and books to escape err, cope.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I look at the calendar several times each day to remind myself what day of the week it is. I forget to drink my coffee. Most nights I skip dinner. Last night I ate peanut butter cups.

My house is a disaster. And it smells. My cats ran out of food last night but I got home too late to get to the pet store for more. They are surely pissed off today. I need to fix the flat tire on my car, too. Oh, and go grocery shopping…

I took a day off last week sometime. I stayed in bed all day. I knew I had to move my car or risk getting a ticket. I went back to sleep instead. When I woke up, I peeked out the window and saw a ticket on my car, but I still couldn’t find it in myself to care. The idea of getting a second ticket didn’t even push me out the door…not until I realized David would be upset about it (we’d JUST talked about our expired parking permits a few days prior).

Things are a little better when Jack is with me. It gets me out of my head, I suppose. When he’s not here, I think about his treatment. It’s a few weeks until he starts the phase with eight different meds…it’s been a while since he’s spent time with kids his age…he needs to go to the dentist…we need to draw blood on XYZ days…I need to take a day off for his next treatment…when will he lose his hair…how will he handle it…is he doing too much activity…when will he end up back in the hospital…

It’s only been three months since his diagnosis – how long can I do this? I’ve been trying to think of ways to destress. Obviously this all has lit a fire under my PTSD. Usually when I’m stressed I take a trip, get away…but now I’m terrified to be away from Jack. Every time I try to make plans I just think about all the uncertainty ahead and how I’d rather just sit on the couch watching movies with him and snuggling under a blanket. I need to be here in case something happens.

I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. Jack’s been doing great. There have been no set-backs. Side-effects are few. In so many ways he is a normal kid. There will be an end to all of this. The end is three years away, though, and there will likely never be an end to my worry…

I need to keep going. There is so much that needs doing. I just need to stop getting lost in all of it and leave my ghosts behind.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , 6 Comments

HAWMC: Health Time Capsule

April 1, 2012 By

This is my first post for WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do! You can find out more info on the WEGO Health website.

Today’s prompt is: Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you & your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think of it when they found it?

My health focus right now is mostly on the mental and staying sane. My son is battling Leukemia, my husband is back at work, I was given expanded responsibilities at work, and we are moving in a month. That’s enough to make any person crazy. Luckily, I’m already there so I think I have an advantage!

In my time capsule I’d have to put:

  • A picture of my husband and son. They both help me stay healthy. It’s for THEM that I stay healthy. I simply didn’t care about my health before I had Jack and David. I want to soak up as much time with them as possible. They are my motivation, pure and simple.
  • Prozac. This depression medication is not perfect but it has worked well enough for me for over three years now with the health of therapy. It has very few side effects and I don’t feel like a zombie on it.
  • My therapist’s business card. I see my therapist weekly and have been for about two years now (I had a different therapist prior to this). I’ve noticed that when I’ve skipped a week with him, I felt ready to explode.
  • A list of friend’s names and numbers. It’s a small list, for me, but it’s important. I know there are people who have my back at any time.
  • A few of my posts at Band Back Together. That site, and my work behind the scenes, means a lot to me. It remind me how far I’ve come when I read stories of individuals just beginning their mental health journey. I love helping others who are in places where I’ve been, too. If I can help someone else avoid any modicum of the heartache I’ve dealt with in my life, even if I never know about it, that makes me feel good.

I hope that anyone who opened my time capsule would see where my focus lies. I feel that as long as I have my mental health, I can get through anything. And when my mental health isn’t so good, I have resources and people to help pick me up and carry me through.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues Tagged With: , , , , , Leave a Comment

Scattered

February 2, 2012 By

I’m burned out. I’m making stupid mistakes, like leaving food out on the counter overnight to spoil (at least three times now). I didn’t realize until the night before my dentist appointment that David had school at the same time and we had no one to watch Jack. I frantically texted everyone I knew within a reasonable distance to babysit (thankfully our upstairs neighbor came to the rescue!). Then on the way home from said dentist appointment, I ordered delivery food before being reminded that the same neighbor had signed up to cook dinner for us that night! Luckily, I was able to cancel the delivery. Not to mention I was decidedly upset when I ran out of Starbucks gift card funds this week. David pointed out that I can use my debit card, and he is right. But for some reason it was just another THING that set me off.

Most of the changes aren’t hard. I mean, catheter maintenance and blood draws are pretty easy. Meds take like 5 minutes to administer. Dressing changes suck, but are only once a week (and the hard part is done by David – I just focus on trying to keep Jack distracted with conversation as much as possible). We are taking turns with cancer clinic visits. Hell, Jack is even going to bed early most nights!

This should all be manageable but for some reason, it’s not; I’m scattered. I teared up last night when Jack told me he’s full of bravery and could share some with me for my own doctor appointments – he said it wouldn’t take from his level of bravery at all. The sweetness kills me.

His little face has ballooned with all of the eating he’s been doing thanks to the steroids. It’s really hard to see him changing so drastically and so quickly. The extra weight only serves to highlight the dark circles around his eyes and make them look more sunken. Combined with the lack of energy, the bouts of crying over things like having to drink water (it was seriously upsetting him – “my life is miserable!”), and the fact that his eyelids flutter the moment his head hits his pillow as early as 6pm…god, it hurts.

Meanwhile I am trying to get back into the swing of things at work and I have a ton of well-meaning (yet distracting) people stopping by my desk throughout the day. They all ask how Jack is doing or how I’m doing. They ask questions about treatment and about what’s next. Over and over. It’s hard enough to get work done in my current state without the interruptions. It feels like the life is being sucked out of me with every interaction.

I know with this post I’m kind of throwing myself a pity party. I don’t write it out to get sympathy or attention, though – I really just want to get it all out somewhere and see if anyone has suggestions on how to handle all of this better…I haven’t yet located a support group in San Francisco…

***

And for something a little lighter – check out my new site design! Princess Jenn took pity on me and cleaned the space up so it’s much calmer and runs a lot faster. She is fucking amazing and seriously saved me from having a breakdown. You guys should hire her.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , 9 Comments

Coping With Challenges

January 19, 2012 By

The coffee isn’t waking me up today. I’m unsure what to do about it.

This morning started off okay and then Jack got grumpy – he didn’t want to change his clothes. He cried while I changed him into a fresh set of pajamas (they still seem most comfortable right now with the soreness of the recent lumbar puncture). I held and hugged Jack and then he took his meds and was happy again. I think when I left the house I took his bad mood with me, though.

Most of the time now I walk around feeling like I’m just on the verge of panic – like there is a tide rising and threatening to wash over me at any moment. I feel raw, as if my heart is on the outside of me and I’m waiting for it to be crushed. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t get over the feeling that there isn’t more bad news coming.

I want to believe that Jack’s cancer will not relapse. That we’ll be able to keep infections and colds at bay. That his treatment will continue to be like it is now with very few side effects. But the more I read on the subject, the more unlikely that all seems. What if his chromosomes come back abnormal at the end of the month? What if the chemo causes neurological problems or physical issues? What if that constant ache in his abdomen is more than just a symptom of the disease he is fighting?

I want to hide from it all. I probably won’t pick that book back up. This seems to be one of those unusual instances where I think I’d rather be ignorant. My ignorant thoughts were, for once, brighter than my informed ones, which doesn’t make much sense in our situation. This is the best cancer, right? The most treatable and curable? But where the FUCK did it come from?

I seem to also be stuck on the thought that I must have been a gigantic asshole in a past life. Holy hell, my life has been hard and it just doesn’t seem to stop! I felt like it was finally getting better – that things were on a more level path and I was letting go of so much angst. And really, I can see the progress I’ve made from therapy in how I’m handling all of this. I can see how much stronger I am and I can even appreciate that about myself. But life is dealing us a low blow now that it is smacking my kid around – the very person I’ve been desperate to protect these past 5+ years.

“I hate challenges,” Jack told me this morning. You and me both, kid! I’m tired of them. So very tired.

We’ll come out of this stronger; I know this. But I don’t want more strength – not if it means the shit is going to keep coming. I’ve had my share of shit and I’d like to pass on more.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments

Delayed Reactions

January 17, 2012 By

Jack’s out of the hospital. Thank goodness. Today he is at his first Cancer Clinic appointment getting an infusion of chemo. I’m looking forward to him coming home, and hope he isn’t too sick afterward.

I keep trying to tell myself the worst has past – that the prognosis is good, that so many cancer cells have already been zapped by the chemo, that the disease won’t progress. I know these things in my head. Still, my heart aches. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, to eat, to do anything to take care of myself. When Jack isn’t here I don’t know what to do. What was life like before this diagnosis? What did I think about when cancer didn’t fill my every waking moment? What if Jack isn’t one of the 90% of kids cured?

I keep thinking about how all of this almost went undetected. I almost didn’t take Jack to the doctor. We almost didn’t opt for a blood test to “confirm” anemia. It would have been so easy to dismiss all of his symptoms as a combination of fighting off a cold and returning to school after a long break. It serves no purpose to think about these things but they are invading my mind nonetheless.

I am very much shell shocked. I got through the crisis period without completely freaking out, but I didn’t escape the freak-out – it’s just happening after the fact. My brain and body are not cooperating. I can’t think straight and I feel tired and/or sick to my stomach all the time. I started getting angry at the piles of boxes in our house – not that I don’t appreciate everyone’s thoughts and generosity but I just want to go BACK. I want to NOT need any of this stuff. I’d much rather have someone take this nightmare away. So when I look at the boxes and think about what they are for, I have this irrational anger…and then I get angry at myself. :P

I can keep myself busy some of the time. My friend Kurstan ventured out to Target with me this weekend and I bought storage for medical supplies and cleaning products. I came home and organized a bunch of the house, put away the laundry my friend Katie graciously washed while we were away, and started washing items we brought home from the hospital. I’m back to work this week, as well, but I’m having trouble focusing on the simplest of tasks. Maybe I need more coffee.

All of our friends and family (and even strangers!) are being so awesome and loving and kind to us. I really do appreciate it, despite this cloud over my head. I haven’t once felt alone since this all started – I feel a community of support behind our family. I just wish the occasion hadn’t arrived where we need this support…

Filed Under: Cancer, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 6 Comments

I am blogging for mental health

May 18, 2011 By

May is Mental Health Month and today in particular is Mental Health Blogging Day.  I am a longtime sufferer of mentalMental Health Blog Party Badge illness and an advocate for awareness and support through the community support website Band Back Together.

I think days like this are important to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles with mental health issues.  Whether you are a sufferer, a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance of someone with a mental health issue, you can educate yourself and others and help make the world a more compassionate and supportive place.

My name is Crystal and I deal with mental illness on a regular basis.

Sometimes I don’t act like ME because I suffer from chronic Depression (diagnosed at age 14), Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (DES-NOS, specifically).  I attend weekly therapy and take medication to help me manage these issues.  I have difficulties managing my response to stressful situations and memories due to the way that my brain processes information/stimuli – multiple traumas throughout my life have impacted the way I view and experience the world around me.

Despite dealing with these issues for so much of my life, I can still live a normal life – I am not ‘crazy.’  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and son.  I have a great job at a place I’ve worked for the past 3.5 years.  I have friends and hobbies and many of the same worries that others out there have.

Most days I am a very high functioning individual.  Sometimes I need to step back from my responsibilities a little bit and focus on taking extra care of myself.  There are those days when I can’t get out of bed – on those days I need help from my support network of family and friends.  I have fantastic people in my life who have helped me even when they don’t know it.

*****

I have heard various awful things said about those who suffer from mental illness over the years, even from people I love.  The stigma of mental illness still leads people to state that they wouldn’t vote for a politician who was known to have a mental disorder, or that those with a mental illness should not have children.  It’s disheartening to hear these things and I’m hopeful that as we speak out, the stigma will lift more and more.

If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, please take the time to educate yourself about the symptoms and effects on their life.  If you would like to reach out to a community for support please visit Band Back Together.

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Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues, PPD Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 8 Comments
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