Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By 5 Comments

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Truthiness Day 24: My Saturn Return Playlist

October 31, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Dear 2008,

You were a year of change.  I was 27 and the term “Saturn Return” fit this year perfectly.  I finally began taking care of myself – attended a Managing Depression class, started taking Prozac again and going to therapy, separated from Joe, moved out on my own for the first time in my life, and fell in love with David.  It was a hard year with so many ups and downs, and yet one of the most important of my life.  I mourned losses, faced bitterness, found hope, and discovered love again in all kinds of unexpected ways.  This playlist will always remind me of you – it runs the gamut of endings, beginnings, and everything between.

  1. We’re Going to be Friends – The White Stripes
  2. O Valencia! – The Decemberists
  3. (If You’re Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
  4. Young Folks – Pete Bjorn & John
  5. Let’s Never Stop Falling in Love – Pink Martini
  6. Hey Pretty – POE
  7. A Stroke of Luck – Garbage
  8. The Kill (Bury Me) – 30 Seconds to Mars
  9. Extraordinary Machine – Fiona Apple
  10. Struggle – Ringside
  11. Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
  12. Nothing Better – The Postal Service
  13. Calling it Quits – Aimee Mann
  14. (Don’t Fear) The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult
  15. Communication – The Cardigans
  16. Island – Heather Nova
  17. The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
  18. It’s Amazing – Jem
  19. Maybe Tomorrow – Stereophonics
  20. Rocket Man (I Think It’s Going to be a Long Long Time) – Elton John
  21. Hanging on Too Long – Duffy

From crying in the bathroom at work to finding my safe space in my own little apartment to gaining an understanding of my capacity to live and love, it was an amazing year.  Thanks for the memories.

Sincerely,
Crystal

Filed Under: 30 Days of Truth, Divorce, Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Truthiness Day 13: Catharsis

October 19, 2010 By Leave a Comment
Warwick Avenue (song)
Image via Wikipedia

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Duffy,

I listened to your album Rockferry constantly in 2008 after Joe and I split up.  Not only did your album include songs that mirrored many of the things I felt while going through that break up and starting divorce proceedings (like Warwick Avenue), but there were also songs that reflected my excitement about my new beginning (i.e. Distant Dreamer).  It was an odd time for me – mourning losses while also discovering new, fulfilling experiences.  There was a lot of sadness but also I started to realize my strength and gained new respect for myself.

I haven’t listened to Rockferry in over a year and even then I didn’t hit repeat like I did two years ago.  It’s a great album, truly, and it helped me during a rough chapter of my life.  Putting the album on was nice in the sense that I found out that I had moved on and didn’t feel any need to revisit that time.  I’m a stronger, healthier person now.

Thank you,

Crystal

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Filed Under: 30 Days of Truth, Divorce, Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Truthiness Day 4: Forgiveness

October 11, 2010 By 1 Comment

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

(I have a problem with this “have to” business.  I don’t have to forgive anyone.  I prefer “like to.”)

There is still many things that happened during my split with Joe that I haven’t quite gotten over.  I got through that time the best way I knew how – by tucking in my chin, locking up my feelings, and focusing on all the tasks that needed to be completed.  It felt like everything was up to me – the living arrangements, the care of Jack, the financial obligations, the paperwork, the communication with family and friends.  It was overwhelming and shutting down emotionally was the only way to get through it.  Sometimes I didn’t keep my emotions under wraps – I cried in the bathroom at work, suffered from additional migraines from all of the stress, took anti-anxiety medication to ward off panic attacks.  Joe pretty  much went into a downward spiral, so I had little choice but to try to do damage control there so as to give Jack as much stability as possible.

According to some family and friends, I didn’t react as expected.  I seemed cold and unfeeling.  Because Joe was floundering, and I seemed to be getting by just fine, it appeared to some that I had planned everything.  It seemed like I was intentionally making things harder for Joe.  It was thought that perhaps I was happy about the whole situation.

It hurt me deeply.  I am a very sensitive person, although I mostly try to hide that so that I don’t get hurt.  Dealing with anger from Joe was expected, but I did not think that people who had become my family, people who knew about the problems in our marriage and had discussed separation with us even, would judge me or say that I hadn’t tried hard enough.

And I know – I know that Joe and I weren’t the only people involved in this and our separation affected more than just us.  Our family and friends had legitimate feelings about such a huge change and it was scary to them.  I want to be able to respect their feelings instead of feeling hurt by them.  I want to forgive them for caring about us so much that they were hurt by our actions and they hurt us back.

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Child of Divorce

July 1, 2010 By 5 Comments

Since Joe’s work schedule changed recently, we have also changed our joint custody/visitation schedule.  This is the first week trying out the new pick up and drop off since the Texas trip.  Generally David will be picking Jack up from Joe’s on Thursday nights since it is on his way home from work and I don’t drive on Thursday evenings (that’s a post for another time although I’m not making any promises).  David is out of town currently so Joe was kind enough to bring Jack to my house this evening so that I wouldn’t have to drive.  This seemed like a good thing…until around bedtime.

We have a routine of tooth brushing, picking out three books, and going to bed.  I needed to tell Jack to pick out books several times and at one point Jack dissolved into tears.  He told me he was sad that his dad brought him here.  Wow, that was hard to hear!  After setting aside my own feelings on hearing that, I asked him why it made him sad.  He told me he thought his dad, stepmom, and he were visiting and then going back to his dad’s house.  I reassured him that his dad loves him and the dam broke.  I told him that it’s okay to be sad and miss his dad, that I love him too and he’ll see his dad soon.  We snuggled and talked and eventually he relaxed, smiled, laughed and was back to his goofy self.

To my knowledge, this is the first time this has happened.  Somehow we neglected to discuss the schedule change with Jack and prepare him properly, I guess.  I remember being a kid and having feelings similar to what Jack expressed tonight after getting dropped off at my mom’s or dad’s.  I think perhaps a drop-off can feel a bit like abandonment.  So heartbreaking!

There are a few ways I think we can approach this.  It might be best to avoid drop-offs.  We were doing that previously (unintentionally) but I didn’t realize how important it was until now.  Talking and hugging and reassurance seemed to help Jack a lot.  He pays a lot of attention to the messages in books, so we read The Kissing Hand tonight (it was loaned to me today – great timing!) and I recently purchased Two Homes.  I was planning on giving him Two Homes for his birthday but perhaps I need to pull it out earlier than that.

This has honestly caught me by surprise.  Perhaps due to his age, Jack has seemed mostly unaffected by the divorce until now.  I have to wonder if this incident was due to our poor preparation this once or if this will come up more as he gets older and can reason better.  Anybody know?

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Filed Under: Divorce, Growing Up Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ducks in a Row

May 24, 2010 By 8 Comments
Marriage
Image by jcoterhals via Flickr

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that as of last week (May 18 to be exact) I am an officially divorced woman!  For those of you who aren’t over there, now you know, as well!  After 19 months of paperwork hell, it is finally DONE.  Joe and I exchanged congratulations via text afterward and all was well with the world!

So, what’s next?  If you had asked me two years ago, I would have told you I would never get married again.  My first marriage did not go as expected and frankly left me with little trust in relationships.  It was very freeing to move out on my own, though, and being out of that relationship has done wonders for my state of mind.

David and I knew very early on that we had met our soul mates in one another.  I was still a bit surprised, though, when I realized that I was certain that I wanted David to be my husband.  We waited for the divorce to go through but when it became apparent that the process was going to take longer than expected, we gave up on being politically correct and got engaged anyway.  It’s rare that a day goes by that one of us doesn’t propose to the other all over again.  (Awwww…)

We’ve gone through several iterations of wedding plans but we are set now for September 5.  My dress has been purchased, the invitations are addressed, and the cake has been tasted and ordered.  It will be a small, intimate wedding with a backyard reception before we fly off to Italy for our honeymoon.  I’m so happy to be leaving the angst of a failed marriage behind.  I am so thankful that I feel healed now and ready for my life as Mrs. T.

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Filed Under: 110 in 2010, Divorce, Domesticating, Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Wishing and hoping

April 26, 2010 By 4 Comments

The divorce papers have been sent in yet again and it looks like they were received today.  I’m hoping with every piece of me that they are accepted this time, right before this process hits the 1.5 year anniversary.

If you plan on hiring a service to do the paperwork in your divorce, email me first to ask which one I used.  My friend Sarah gives big props to Legal Zoom for her smooth divorce.  I was too cheap for them.  Yay for cheap…

Filed Under: Divorce Tagged With: , , , ,

Primary

March 16, 2010 By 7 Comments

I never wanted to be a single parent.  I certainly would never have chosen to have a baby on my own – I know what raising a child on your own is like because I was one of three kids my single mom raised.  It has always been very important to me that my child have two parents that contributed equally to raising him.  I didn’t plan for divorce and was convinced it wouldn’t be part of Jack’s life.  Somehow, things didn’t quite turn out the way I thought they would.  Surprising, huh?

To be honest, I’ve felt mostly like a single parent since Jack was born.  At first I thought it was an inherent thing that went along with breastfeeding.  Jack nursed so often and seemed so attached to me – how was it even possible to distribute his care evenly between parents?  Then I was the one washing all the bottles and diapers, cooking dinner, paying bills, putting Jack to bed every night, doing daycare duty, and waking up to comfort him in the middle of the night because I had a shorter commute to work and Joe needed to be rested for school…and I was first in line to take days off when he was sick since I got paid vacation days.  Then there were football Sundays and “I need to get out and hike while there is sun!” days.  I began spending my Sundays with those friends of mine who loved to distract Jack long enough for me to drink a cup of coffee.

When Joe and I went our separate ways, I was actually surprised at how little things changed.  It did free up 3 out of 7 nights of bedtime duty for me.  Other than that, I was still doing all the diaper laundry (until I said I would no longer wash the ones sent with him to his dad’s), responsible for daycare drop off and pick up, and I paid the daycare provider every month, in full, whether the 20% child support check came or not.  I’m still first in line to take a day off when Jack is sick or his daycare is closed; I don’t have the option to say “I can’t.”  So, even though Jack’s dad is very much in his life, I feel like a single parent the majority of the time.

I am sure I contribute to this dynamic in my life.  I always had trouble being assertive in my marriage and I still struggle with this.  I try to avoid conflict, and when it can’t be avoided all of the frustration comes out at one time and isn’t quite productive.  I have thus far avoided getting the state involved in any of the custody and child support issues because I know that Jack’s dad is a good person who is trying to do his best to care for his son.  I know he wishes he could do more and I don’t think it’s fair to cripple him with a wage garnishment order, for instance, when I’m able to make ends meet.

Still, I get tired and have days or weeks where I am at the end of my rope.  I get frustrated that, although I have the lion’s share of responsibilities toward Jack, the times I get to spend with him at home are at the whim of his father’s schedule.  I get upset at myself for ending up in this situation and I wonder if I made the right decisions along the way (did I do the best with the information I had at the time or was I delusional?).  I worry about whether it’s right to lean on David for help and how much responsibility for Jack’s care belongs to him since we live together in a committed relationship.

I know it’s common for parents to go through an adjustment period to figure out division of labor and responsibilities when a child comes into their lives.  Some couples figure out how to balance things and some couples do not.  It gets trickier when there is a divorce and additional parental figures involved; i.e., if I need to work late, who do I call for Jack’s care – the partner I live with or the father who sees Jack only two days a week?  I still don’t know the right answer but it seems to be up to me to figure it out…

Filed Under: Divorce, Featured, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Separate but equal: living arrangements

January 22, 2010 By 1 Comment

Parenting in a non-nuclear family is a mix of good and bad, it seems.  It’s nice when one parent is sick and we don’t want to pass it onto our kid – Jack usually stays with the healthy parent while the other convalesces.  When all parents are sick, it gets more complicated but we usually figure something out.  On holidays when daycare is closed, we have four parental figures and chances are that at least one of us is taking the day off or working from home.  Things get sticky when each parent has different rules, but we are navigating this as we go.

Custody and visitation have been fairly easy for us to work out up to now.  We try to maximize Jack’s time with each parent based on work schedules.  We get as close to 50/50 as we can; it usually ends up closer to 60/40, though.  A potential challenge we’ve run into recently is the prospect that we might not all continue to live in the Bay Area.  The economy has been a crapshoot for quite some time and all of Jack’s parents work in different markets and areas (public & private sectors).  Some areas of business are doing okay, while others continue to struggle.  It’s quite possible that this geographic area can’t sustain all at the same time.

We pondered this question earlier this week when the subject of one of the family segments moving to southern California came up.  The implications are mind boggling.  None of us wants to see less of Jack; each home is open to being a primary residence.  A drive between the Bay Area and SoCal is 6-8 hours…that kind of commute for visitation exchanges would no doubt suck for all of us.  A flight is quick but would grow expensive over the year(s).  The 50/50 arrangement would definitely not work (especially once kindergarten is in the picture); we’d all be missing Jack for weeks or months at a time.

I have to say, this is the most difficult issue I’ve faced since the separation.  With effort, we can generally make most things more comfortable and harmonious than when we were married…I don’t think that this is one one of those things.  I can’t help but worry about the impact on all of us.


Filed Under: Divorce, Family, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Visitation and missing pieces

October 23, 2009 By 1 Comment

One of the hardest parts about divorce with a child involved comes from custody and visitation arrangements. Joe and I manage pretty well with figuring this stuff out, but there are always issues somewhere!

For some reason the judge is requiring that I fill out forms (an ORDER, as verbiage in the settlement agreement just won’t do!) about which holidays belong to each parent, how many days a week each parent has, and how much support is owed. The bizarre demand for these forms is the main reason why the divorce is not yet finalized. It is frustrating because filling out the extra forms is repetitive. Also, apparently they are not required of everyone so the company I paid to draw up the papers was surprised to have to generate these forms on top of the settlement agreement! Arg! Leave it to the government to make a fairly straight-forward divorce waaaaay more complicated.

I’m not entirely sure how others arrange visitation with their exes. When I was a kid, we went to see my dad every other weekend. That seems like a ridiculously small amount of time to me now. I don’t know how my parents chose that arrangement or why anyone would really. Perhaps it was just a different time, or maybe it’s just that my dad’s lifestyle was less kid-friendly. As a child I disliked this arrangement for a couple of reasons. The first was that I wanted to see my dad more than once every two weeks. In addition, it was difficult to get into a routine when we went so long between visits. By the time the visitation weekend came around, I just wanted to stay home because I felt unused to my dad’s house again. Of course, after the weekend was over I didn’t want to leave.

In any case, the visitation arrangement between Joe and me is mostly based on our work schedules. Unfortunately equal custody was not possible at that point in time as Joe moved an hour away and we wanted to keep Jack’s daycare stable. Joe is a park ranger and his job changes seasonally, as does his schedule. He usually gets one weekday and one weekend day off. I work a typical Monday through Friday 9-5 week with Saturdays and Sundays off. Last summer when we split up, it just seemed to make sense that Joe would take Jack on his days off since they were different than mine and I’d have Jack with me more. This precedent has continued and Jack generally goes to see his dad for 2 days each week – Joe picks Jack up from daycare on Thursday and brings him to my place on his way to work Sunday morning.

We’ve tossed around other arrangement ideas, such as switching every other week, but so far we’ve stuck with what we have. It seems to work well for Jack, so I’m afraid of changing things up. Even so, I always wonder if there is a better way, especially with how things have been going lately. I have Jack five days a week, and four of those days he goes to daycare. I effectively have one day each week where I get to focus on my kid and four days where I’m carting him to and fro and splitting my attention a million different ways. I fully admit that I envy Joe’s two workless days with Jack each week. Not only does Joe get more quality time with Jack, but he also doesn’t have the daily daycare drop-off to deal with or the struggle between needing to rest after work and wanting to enjoy time with his child.

I am not writing this to say “woe is me” with regard to how things have worked out. I know that it is incredibly lucky to have things running so smoothly in a divorce situation. This is just an area that was difficult to imagine prior to the separation and I feel the need to put it into words. At any given time one of us is losing out on time with an individual we love and need desperately. We are happier and healthier than we were a year ago, but one of us is always missing something.

Filed Under: Divorce, Family, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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