Truthiness Day 23: Links to the Past

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had saved all of the notes my friends and I wrote back and forth in school.  For a long time I kept them in shoe boxes in my room at my mom’s.  When I moved out I threw them all out – I didn’t want to carry them with me from place to place, taking up a drawer or shelf that I could use for something I really needed.

I thought I would never care about reading those notes as an adult.  Now that I can’t remember a damned thing from the majority of my school years, I wish I had them.  I don’t remember what I did after school or what I liked about various boys or what I complained about.  I don’t remember who I was or what I talked about.

I should have kept those and gotten rid of my yearbooks.  My yearbooks contain pictures of people and things I don’t want to remember, reminders of the parts of school that were completely alien to me.  Those notes held the bulk of my grade school life in them, links to a past that no longer exists.

I wonder if my old friends have any of the notes I wrote to them…

What Love Is

I’m still in awe of the wedding.  It was perfect.  Everything came together better than David and I had even imagined.  We worked hard to make it what it was, but the icing on the cake came from our family and friends.  From my friend Beth chasing flowers down with FedEx (major failure on FedEx’s part!) to others running errands and assisting with putting it all together and tearing it all down again, I was continually amazed at the generosity of those surrounding us.  At some point in time I just had to shut off that inner voice that felt undeserving of all the help, otherwise I surely would have melted into the floorboards when GUESTS started cleaning our house at the end of the reception.  We even came home from our honeymoon to find that our friend Sarah had made our bed.  !!!

We are still flabbergasted.  There are not enough words, gifts, or thanks that can be said to convey our appreciation.  We feel loved, humbled, lucky and blessed.  I remember feeling this when I had Jack.  I recall when it all clicked that people love and want the best for me and my growing family.  The people in my life knew they couldn’t help with the really hard stuff, couldn’t take my place in the trench when things get really hard…so they did what they could to be a buffer.  They probably feel it is only a token, but to me it is an enormous gift.

David’s sister Laurie officiated our wedding.  It was her first time officiating a wedding but she did an amazing job.  I doubt she even knows how much her words will stay with me, and how well she captured the spirit of our wedding:

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and in each other.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourselves just the way you are.

Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, laugh and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.  And today, surrounded by friends and family, it is there for the two of you.

Image by M. Hardina

We are loved.

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Dating Profile for New BlogHer Friends

Image representing BlogHer as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

I met a lot of awesome people last week at BlogHer.  I didn’t get enough time to talk with those I met and I’m guessing there will be some checking out of blogs this week.  I am still recovering from my trip across the country and the conference whirlwind, so details about the trip may be slow in coming.  In the mean time, here is the profile that hooked me up with David nearly two years ago.  It’s a great way to get to know me!

I am always seeking out new points of view on life from others to test my own opinions. I like to examine the differences and similarities in all people. I love to bounce ideas and theories around. I am playful and not afraid of embarrassment, although I dislike being the center of attention. I am a no-nonsense type of girl who goes for what she wants and I’m passionate about the things that are important to me. Yes, sometimes I argue my point even if I suspect I’m wrong. I don’t give up easily!

I often get so enraptured with a subject that I will read everything I can get my hands on about it until I’m an expert. It’s typical of me to read all of the album lyrics and notes prior to listening to a new CD. I am a master googler. I love imdb and wikipedia.

I’ll know I have reached the ultimate in life when I acquire a maid and a cook. I like it when I can pay someone else to do things I don’t like to do; I feel like I’m helping the economy.

I am somewhat impulsive but I usually spend a lot of time planning. I’m contrary sometimes.

I can be reserved at first but if you’re shyer than I am, I might do something outrageous to get you talking. I’m honest to a fault and will answer any question. My answers will probably surprise you.

I hate to wonder if I’m missing out on something that has the potential to be awesome. I am independent and enjoy time alone, but also love the energy of a group gathering. At a party I’m likely to be found in the corner of a room observing interactions or engrossed in a conversation about the merits of various toothpaste flavors and consistencies (cinnamon gel is my favorite).

I’m not much of a cook but I bake fairly well and often. I’ll make you some peanut butter brownies if you prepare the main course. Or you can give me cooking lessons… Dining out most nights a week is perfectly acceptable, as well (as long as it’s not fast food).

I have an amazing son who fascinates me with his passion and his unbridled sense of discovery. He is inspirational and brings out the kid in me. He makes me a better person every day.

for fun:
I love doing just about anything with another person – life is always more fun with friends. Board games, dining out, travel, BBQs, bocci ball… I like dancing around the house (but I’m a terrible dancer) and pondering the oddities in life.

my job:
I’m an executive assistant at a software company. I like the exposure I get to various types of work, the details about the inner workings of a company, and I learn new things all the time. The money isn’t bad, either.

my ethnicity:
I’m so pale I glow. I’m mostly German with a spattering of British and a little part of every other European country that ever existed, except Italian.

my religion:
I’m highly skeptical of organized religion. I focus on being the best human being I can be and don’t feel that I require a set of instructions in order to do that. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is great, though.

my education:
I could never decide what to major in (Sociology, Psychology, Art, Finance, English…so many choices, so little time) and the classroom is set at too slow a pace for me. I prefer to read a book and learn while doing.

favorite hot spots:
It is my goal to eat out at every restaurant in the Bay Area. Okay, I can skip the seafood but I’ll take everything else! I enjoy museums, aquariums, botanical gardens, coffee shops…the Bay Area is a great place for all of those.

favorite things:
I’m an indoors girl generally, but will venture outside for walks or a hike with the right company. I like to bowl. I’m currently having a lot of fun decorating my apartment (retro yeah!). Wine is tasty. I miss the 90s music scene but am adjusting.

last read:
Lately I’ve been reading any vampire book I can get my hands on (anything from I Am Legend to Twilight). Patricia McKillip is my favorite (fantasy) author. I write and read blogs. I eat up Augusten Burroughs. Click Clack Moo gets a lot of play, too.  [Note: I haven't read a book in two years so this part is out of date!)

I’m looking forward to getting to know all my new friends!

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Jack is Four

Jack has had three birthday parties this year.  That kid is so spoiled!  Friday he had cupcakes with his daycare buddies, Sunday we had a small party for him at my house, and yesterday his dad threw a shindig for him.  Jack asked me over the weekend several times, “Why is it still my birthday?”  I explained that we were celebrating on different days, but that his actual birthday is July 13.  He refused to say he was four until then, so I think he somewhat understood…

Our decor was a mixture of Transformers, Iron Man, Spiderman, and Toy Story – all picked by Jack, of course.  He loved every bit of the party, especially the part where his cousin Isha and his best friend Sydney “came to my house!”

Photos are courtesy of David and Sarahndipitea who snapped these with my crappy point-and-shoot.

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Little mister

Sometimes I look at Jack and can see our future, see him as a teenager.  He is so serious when he says, “Well, mom, when you said that it hurt my feelings,” or “Mom, I didn’t like that.  I’m going away from you.”  He is trying to be grown up and yet so obviously unprepared to deal with what that means.  I know how he feels.

Jack has a close friend at daycare again.  He and Sydney are often chasing each other around when I arrive to pick Jack up.  On the drive home yesterday, Jack told me, “Sydney is my best friend, mom.  She’s a nice girl.”  I’m thankful her parents have kept her in the daycare rather than moving her to preschool.  I worry about the day the two kids will be split up, though.  I wish I could give Jack the kind of childhood where he grows up with the kids down the street.  I’m not sure that kind of life exists in the city.

When we get home for the day, Jack usually runs to the front door and announces “I beat you!”  This time, he forgot to run and I got there first.  He dissolved into tears because he wanted to win.  I tried to explain that sometimes other people have to win: “you can’t win all the time but you should always try your best.”  He didn’t like that, of course.  I took him back outside to redo the “race” and halfway to the door he turned around and hit me to make sure I wouldn’t beat him to the door.  That brought on another explanation about how we don’t sabotage others just because we want to win very badly…yes, these are the conversations I have with my not-quite-4 year old child.  I’m sure I will repeat them over and over as he grows.

Lately Jack has become attached to a stuffed monster he calls Starbucks.  (How’s that for a sign of the times?)  He brings that monster to daycare every day.  Today he forgot and I was running late so I neglected to remind him prior to leaving the house.  We pulled up to G’s house and I unbuckled the carseat.  Jack started looking for Starbucks right away and my heart sank.  I saw his face when he couldn’t find his monster and when he asked me where it was, I told him the bad news.  Cue tears.  I felt like crying, too.  “I’m sorry we forgot Starbucks, honey.  I will bring him to you when I pick you up today.  I know you will miss him today.”  I considered going back home to get his toy before driving to work…  “He’ll recover,” G said.  I know she was right but still…I wish I had gone back home.

Goal #102

I’m moving right along on my list of 110 in 2010.  So far, I’ve completed fifteen items and have fourteen others in various stages of progress.  (At least two have been eliminated from the list – wear a skirt once a week and participate in project 365.)  Hopefully I’ll be up to 25% by the end of March, otherwise I’m going to have to work double time.

#102 on my list is “Attend a blogger based social event.”  This is how I convinced myself that it is imperative that I attend BlogHer ’10.  Well, that and the fact that I’ve never been to New York before (which is really insane because I even have family there).  I registered to attend at the end of February so that I could get the discounted pricing and thank goodness I did!  The conference is sold out now – five months early.  I’ve arranged to room with Jenny, Julia, and Lora, and to be honest I think they are all going to out-party me!  I’m totally up for the challenge, though.

Are you going to BlogHer?  If so, let’s arrange to meet.  For those of you who have been to the BlogHer conference before, can you tell me what I need to bring?  I’m the type to only pack essentials and take as small a suitcase as possible (so that I can carry it on the plane).  The last conference I went to was for Stampin’ Up! back when I was a demonstrator; I attended three of those and had a blast every time.  I may be a convention/conference junkie…

Give and take

When I was living in Humboldt working at a hospital, a nurse/office mate/friend told me, “Many people working in the health care industry have co-dependency issues.”  Years later I still remember that statement and think about it often.  There are people who need to be needed.  I am not one of those people, but I used to be.

I still take care of people.  I can’t help it – I was the eldest child, the protector, the leader, the person in the family always steering us to a safer place.  I married young and that role continued; for 9 years I was the primary provider, the family accountant, and the housekeeper.  All of this meant that I was a mother long before Jack was born.  I was a mother long before I was ready to be one.  Until Jack came along and showed me what being a mother was really about, I did not know how to break out of the caretaker role.

I’m a new soul
I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

- Yael Naim, “New Soul

The end of my marriage commenced my new beginning.  I had a child to take care of but not full time, and when Jack was with his dad I focused on taking care of myself for the first time in my life.  One of the best decisions I ever made was to go to therapy.  Not the kind of therapy where you gripe about your week…this therapy cracked me open like an egg and made me examine the vulnerable parts inside.  It taught me how to look at the connections in my brain and constantly question how they came to exist.  I learned how to find the parts of me that are truly me and weed out the parts others had left behind.  I’ve made a lot of progress but I doubt I will ever be done.

I met David several months after I began therapy.  I was clear with him from the beginning about what kind of state I was in and how much I could (and could not) offer.  I was amazed when he didn’t miss a beat, didn’t cringe or back away from anything I laid out in front of him.  He wanted to connect with me and support my journey however he could.  I knew he was someone I didn’t want to let get away, and I recognize on a daily basis how very lucky I am to have him.

It’s not so easy, though, to go from being a caretaker to a place of balanced give and take.  It’s getting easier – I’m slowly getting used to asking for help with things like getting Jack dressed in the morning while I take a shower.  I realize I don’t do it enough.  As funny as it sounds, I need help asking for help.

I’m sure everyone has a caretaker in their life, and many who have the same trouble I do.  Have you asked them how they are feeling lately?  Or simply whether there is a way to make their day a little easier?  They may not need your help or want it, but we can all use some assistance every now and then.  Even if the help is not needed, it never hurts to ask.