We May Have Found A House

February 20, 2012 By 4 Comments

Tomorrow we very well may be putting an offer in on a house. I am freaking out about it just a bit. It takes me so long to decide on how to spend a $25 gift card at Amazon…now I’m looking at something in the $300K range so…yeah. All the questions like, “What if something even more awesome comes on the market after we put in our offer?” are running through my head. I hate missing out!

The house is awesome. It’s located in the East Bay and cuts our hospital commute down by about 20 minutes each way. It’s a 3 bedroom 1 bath house with new EVERYTHING. And I mean everything – roof, electrical, carpet, appliances, heating system, furnace, grass…the house was completely redone under a program specifically for moderate income buyers. The backyard is gigantic. When Jack saw it yesterday he ran around outside – the first time I’ve seen him run in forever. The house is located on a street named after a constellation – how perfect for our Jackonaut.

Jack declared that he wanted the big room with the door to the backyard. We dashed his hopes and he quickly decided he didn’t like the house as much. :P We’ve since let him know that we would build a back door just for him and he’s perked up again.

We came home to San Francisco and starting gathering the rest of the paperwork needed to put an offer in. They want everything – including Jack’s birth certificate – to ensure that we are truly in the moderate income category. If David was working right now rather than enrolled in school full time and staying home to care for Jack, we’d be over the income limit. The timing on this is pretty incredible.

We may not get the house. There may be an offer better than ours or a family deemed more in need than us. In the mean time, we are trying to wrap our heads around the fact that we might be homeowners very soon. Holy crap!

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Trying To Look On The Bright Side

February 3, 2012 By 3 Comments

After all, we now get to enjoy:

  • Handicapped parking spots
  • Eaaasssy bedtime
  • More grown up time thanks to an early bedtime
  • An abundance of love and support from all of our friends & family
  • Seeing just what a sweet, kind, and strong person Jack is
  • Less worry about whether Jack’s getting enough to eat
  • Teeth brushing 3x a day without argument (just to avoid mint mouthwash)
  • Jack learning confidence early – if he can beat cancer, he can do anything!
  • Candy and sweets – Jack prefers pickles and turkey, so more sugar for us!
  • Awesome wish granting from Make a Wish program (if we can get Jack to think bigger than a toy)
  • The knowledge that we’re getting the full benefits of the health insurance coverage we’re paying for
  • Easy access to specialist doctors
  • A justifiable excuse to get delivery food and Starbucks
  • Legitimate reasons for sleeping in
  • Fewer disappointments with mail – most of it is fun mail!
  • Newly acquired nursing skills
  • Free books (even if they are about Cancer)

This list is a little tongue-and-cheek but, really, we do recognize all that we have to be grateful for and feel very lucky to be in the position we are in (under the circumstances). Cancer or not, we still have it pretty good in life.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom Tagged With: , , , , ,

Scattered

February 2, 2012 By 9 Comments

I’m burned out. I’m making stupid mistakes, like leaving food out on the counter overnight to spoil (at least three times now). I didn’t realize until the night before my dentist appointment that David had school at the same time and we had no one to watch Jack. I frantically texted everyone I knew within a reasonable distance to babysit (thankfully our upstairs neighbor came to the rescue!). Then on the way home from said dentist appointment, I ordered delivery food before being reminded that the same neighbor had signed up to cook dinner for us that night! Luckily, I was able to cancel the delivery. Not to mention I was decidedly upset when I ran out of Starbucks gift card funds this week. David pointed out that I can use my debit card, and he is right. But for some reason it was just another THING that set me off.

Most of the changes aren’t hard. I mean, catheter maintenance and blood draws are pretty easy. Meds take like 5 minutes to administer. Dressing changes suck, but are only once a week (and the hard part is done by David – I just focus on trying to keep Jack distracted with conversation as much as possible). We are taking turns with cancer clinic visits. Hell, Jack is even going to bed early most nights!

This should all be manageable but for some reason, it’s not; I’m scattered. I teared up last night when Jack told me he’s full of bravery and could share some with me for my own doctor appointments – he said it wouldn’t take from his level of bravery at all. The sweetness kills me.

His little face has ballooned with all of the eating he’s been doing thanks to the steroids. It’s really hard to see him changing so drastically and so quickly. The extra weight only serves to highlight the dark circles around his eyes and make them look more sunken. Combined with the lack of energy, the bouts of crying over things like having to drink water (it was seriously upsetting him – “my life is miserable!”), and the fact that his eyelids flutter the moment his head hits his pillow as early as 6pm…god, it hurts.

Meanwhile I am trying to get back into the swing of things at work and I have a ton of well-meaning (yet distracting) people stopping by my desk throughout the day. They all ask how Jack is doing or how I’m doing. They ask questions about treatment and about what’s next. Over and over. It’s hard enough to get work done in my current state without the interruptions. It feels like the life is being sucked out of me with every interaction.

I know with this post I’m kind of throwing myself a pity party. I don’t write it out to get sympathy or attention, though – I really just want to get it all out somewhere and see if anyone has suggestions on how to handle all of this better…I haven’t yet located a support group in San Francisco…

***

And for something a little lighter – check out my new site design! Princess Jenn took pity on me and cleaned the space up so it’s much calmer and runs a lot faster. She is fucking amazing and seriously saved me from having a breakdown. You guys should hire her.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Kiddo Has A Bug

January 5, 2012 By 4 Comments

Jack has been sick on and off over the last week or so. We were both hit by a 24 hour stomach flu thing back on the 28th, but recovered pretty quickly. When he came home from his dad’s that Sunday, though, he was very low energy and that has continued with a bunch of other random symptoms. He left school early on Tuesday because he was pale and complaining of a stomach ache. He will be fine one moment and then complaining of some malady the next.

We were a little skeptical since his symptoms kept changing and moving around and he’s not crying and whining a bunch, but his temperature has spiked on and off. I have no idea what this illness is! So far his unpredictable and constantly changing symptoms include: low grade fever, stomach ache, headache, sore throat, leg pain (behind the knee), body aches, fatigue, and mood swings – but NO cough or runny nose. All very strange.

I spoke to the doctor this morning, who mentioned it could be the flu (but we were both questioning since there is no cough or runny nose) or possibly a staph infection (eek!). My google-fu also showed that the symptoms could fit Lyme Disease, but he’s never been bitten by a tick as far as we know. I don’t think I’ve ever had the flu (certainly not as an adult), so I’m not a good judge of that.

I’ll be taking him in to see the doc later this afternoon, but I’m unsure how that will go. Today the only complaint he’s had was a headache and upset stomach. He is still low energy, as well, but woke up without issue this morning and even though he laid down (on his own) to take a nap, he didn’t fall asleep. I’ll be taking a tired, headachey kid to the doctor and they’ll probably just tell me to get that kid some rest! (Which, he’s been home all week from school, minus that 3.5 hours on Tuesday.)

I worry because Jack is a pretty articulate kid and generally easy going. I wouldn’t put it past him to be suffering from something terrible and yet try to reassure me that it’s just a cold. :P

Filed Under: Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Hustle and Bustle

December 5, 2011 By 5 Comments

Last week at work was brutal. I am not quite sure how I made it through. I think I’m still recovering.

Amidst the stress of work, I had THREE posts published elsewhere. I revamped and combined my prior posts about my dad for World Aids Day and posted it on Band Back Together, and I wrote a brand new piece for Postpartum Voice in which I talk about the details of my postpartum depression for the first time. The third I won’t directly link here due to its sensitive nature, but you can hit me up on Twitter or via email if you are interested in it (and haven’t already read it).

We’re still dealing with fear at home. Jack is sleeping with his bedroom light on every night now, which is a change from the first 5 years of his life. He now watches Dora the Explorer and Berenstein Bears instead of Scooby-Doo and Ben 10. We’ve acquired the Scaredy Squirrel books and “When I Feel Afraid.” Nothing seems to be particularly helpful. We may just have to ride this one out.

With that said, and while I know that this is a phase that kids Jack’s age go through, I’m wondering if some of the stresses his families are dealing with (unemployment in both households, for one) might be contributing and/or if school issues may be having an impact on him. It seems like he has more trouble sleeping and is tired more often these days.

Jack’s teacher has started sending his incomplete classwork home for him to finish. This is super fun (not)! I don’t even know what to do about that. For now we are just continuing to encourage him to finish his projects in class and emphasizing that we all want him to do his work well. This may be another area where the reward of money will motivate him (that’s how he potty trained)…hm…

On the good news front, I recently won a $500 Apple gift card thanks to my attendance and participation in a Twitter party hosted by LiveOn.com. WOOHOO!! The site is pretty cool – you can basically create a digital scrapbook of life’s events with photos and such and it’s got some nifty social media enhancements. I haven’t had much time to play around with it but I did create an account and will definitely futz with it. It looks fun!

I also won passes to the new Children’s Creativity Museum in San Francisco. I’m super psyched to take Jack there!

My birthday is at the end of this week and so the promise of cake and dinner with friends is keeping me in decent spirits. Oh and I’ve gotten nearly all of my Christmas shopping done and the presents are mostly wrapped, too! Now I just need to take down the Halloween decorations…

Filed Under: Growing Up, Parenting 101, PPD, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Senor Quesadilla

September 14, 2011 By 6 Comments

I am a mom of a Kindergartner…I think I am finally somewhat comfortable with that fact.  It’s not quite so scary to think about anymore, although it sure does make me feel old.

I went to pick Jack up from school on Tuesday and found out from a fellow student’s mom that my son has acquired a nickname.  This is apparently a “not nice” nickname and one that Jack doesn’t like – “Quesadilla.”  He hadn’t mentioned it to me, but his classmate/friend told his mom because it was upsetting him.

I asked Jack about it and he seemed annoyed that I had found out and pouted on the way home.  We talked about what to do when kids called him names.  I didn’t have much to offer, but suggested that he make a joke of it and asked to be called Chocolate or something else that he likes.  Or to respond with, “If I’m a quesadilla, you’re a taco!”  Or something.

What the hell kind of nickname is Quesadilla, anyway?  There are worse things to be called, for sure, but Jack is pretty set on being just “Jack.”  I just can’t figure out why in the world he’d be named after a Mexican food item.  :P   Kids are weird.

This week Jack also came home with a piece of paper that a girl in his class had written that said, “I love Jack.”  He couldn’t remember which girl it was from, though.  At least the good and bad balance out a bit, right?

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Goodbye, Me Time

September 8, 2011 By 10 Comments

Frustration, baby – I has it.  I warn you, I’m feeling a low currently and this post isn’t going to be uplifting.  Perhaps it has something to do with listening to Jack hate on his homework for the last hour – is this what I have to look forward to for the next 12 academic years?  If so, I may need some more anti-depressants.

This whole Kindergarten routine has pushed us back into the days where Jack cannot seem to entertain himself for any amount of time.  Instead I am attending to him constantly – packing his lunch, picking out his clothes, making sure he gets time to watch his shows, urging him to get dressed, walking him to school, [going to work and taking care of others all day,] making sure he finishes his homework, playing with him, feeding him dinner, making sure he is bathed and brushes his teeth and reading books at bedtime and telling him to go to sleep 30 minutes later when he is still calling for me and and and…

By the time Jack goes to bed I am worn out.  Well, to be honest, when I get up in the morning I am worn out.  When I’m not corralling Jack in some direction or another, I am trying to keep my house from looking like an utter disaster or trying to give our animals some attention or squeezing in a shower or perhaps a little downtime with the husband…ya know, CATCHING UP.  I’ve returned to eating granola bars instead of real meals and started buying smoothie-type protein drinks again.

It’s like having a newborn again except it comes after a period of some autonomy for Jack.  You know, like when your kid has finally started sleeping through the night and you get used to it and then BAM, molars start coming in and he’s up every 30 minutes all night.

I would cry more about this but I don’t have the energy.

Filed Under: School Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Littlest Sandbagger

August 18, 2011 By 6 Comments

My high school English teacher nicknamed me Sandbagger.  He was not very happy that one of his best students refused to move into AP English.  When I would complain about something (because I am a complainer), he would say, “If you don’t like it, move into the AP class, Sandbagger!”  He couldn’t understand WHY I didn’t want to go into the more advanced class.  I just rolled my teenager eyes at him and asked, “Uh, why would I want to do MORE work for the same education? What am I going to get out of it?”  He may have said something about college, but I was never much interested in that.  It probably didn’t help that I was dating a musician with dreams of becoming a rock star.

My sandbagging tendencies never got much better.  What can I say – I love to excel at being mediocre.  I would rather be busy working on a hundred things at once that I know I will get just right instead of doing just a couple things that will take forever and not turn out like I wanted.  I figure it’s some sort of odd combination of laziness, perfectionism, and a need to check things off my list every day.

So I guess the current situation with Jack in school shouldn’t surprise me much…

When I picked him up from school today, Jack’[s teacher mentioned to me that he is having trouble using scissors.  I told her maybe he is just getting used to using the “big kid” scissors at school – he’s been using the plastic scissors at daycare.  But then she said that Jack was holding the scissors pointed down and cutting toward the floor.  Uhhhhhh, what?  He certainly knows better than that.

Also?  He is writing his name starting with the k and working to the left.  Every time.  Oh, and when she asks him what a word says he just says he doesn’t know…

When I told her today that he can write many words just fine and READ, she was surprised.  Jack is tricking her!  For some reason he doesn’t want her to see that he knows these things already.

He is totally sandbagging.

I’m trying to re-examine my own drive for mediocrity in order to make some sense of what Jack is doing and try to encourage him to demonstrate his actual capabilities…yeah – no dice.  If I had the answer, perhaps I’d be a college grad by now or maybe I’d be making the near-six figures others in my field are making.

Until I figure it all out, I will just have to cross my fingers and hope Jack gets over this or some brilliant person is able to convince him he should show off his skillz more.

Any fellow sandbaggers out there have ideas?

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Filed Under: Parenting 101, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Off to Kindergarten

August 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

My baby went off to school today.  He is going to come back home this afternoon and then can I even refer to him as my baby anymore??  I don’t know.

Last night Jack picked out the clothes he would wear on his first day of school.  This morning I asked if he had any breakfast requests and he asked for pancakes.  I made banana chocolate chip pancakes for him (and for me).  His dad arrived at our house at 8:10 this morning and David, Joe, Jack, and I all walked to school together for the orientation (the school is two blocks away).

Orientation was…boring.  It droned on pretty long and Jack was bored (as was I).  I’m not sure if the staff actually intended to put the kids to sleep but they definitely were subdued by the time the announcements ended and the kindergartners headed to class.  We were told that while it used to be that kids just had to learn how to spell and write their name and count to 30 upon leaving kindergarten, the expectation now is that they are able to read and write sentences by the end of the academic year.  Now I’m feeling pretty freaking glad that we seemingly got a head start on that.  If he went in not knowing how to write or read a damned thing, I would be more worried.  Luckily he can read (he just doesn’t have the patience for sentences quite yet) and write pretty well.

Did you know kindergartners have homework?  Oh yes!  Jack will get homework Monday through Thursday.  Wowwee.

I didn’t cry and neither did Jack.  He did get nervous when he discovered that his “little white bunny” wasn’t in his backpack but he had notes from both me and Joe to remind him that we love him.  I made sure to let him know that this was everyone’s first day at school and they were all nervous, too.  That seemed to help.

Update this afternoon – Upon picking him up this afternoon Jack told David and I that his day was “wonderful…I can’t wait to go back tomorrow!”  Success!

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Filed Under: Growing Up, Milestones, Photos, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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