What A Birthday Boy Wants

Note: This is not a sponsored post; however, it does contain affiliate links just for funsies.

Summer birthdays are tough – as I’m sure many of you know. So many of Jack’s friends are out of town on vacation or at summer camp, so we decided to schedule his party for a week after his actual birthday. He was not happy about having so little planned for THE DAY but we tried my best to make it a good day. He got cinnamon rolls and chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, had a playdate with one friend who was in town and another with his cousin Isha, and we made a trip to Toys R Us (where he picked out a large rubber tarantula and some test tube aliens). It seemed to be a pretty good day to me, but he felt it was lacking – I’m hoping it was just due to pulse of steroids he still had in his system from the prior week.

This Saturday afternoon his birthday party will take place and we have a lot of people coming (way more than I expected)! This year Jack expressed his desire to celebrate his birthday at Rockin’ Jump, a place filled with trampolines and a foam pit. Ordinarily I wouldn’t spend this kind of money on a birthday party, but since my due date is quickly approaching, I decided it would be best to have the party outside of our house. Less cleaning, you know! So Jack gets his wish and will be joined by 14 other kids all jumping to their heart’s content for two hours. And then we will send them all home filled with cake…

One of the ‘perks’ of living with cancer (doesn’t that sound wrong?!) is that Jack qualifies for a free specialty cake through a program called Icing Smiles. Icing Smiles is a collective of bakers who volunteer to provide free specialty birthday cakes for kids facing critical illnesses. Last year he got a dream cake that was shaped like an Ent from Lord of the Rings. It was AMAZING:

entcake

This year he won’t get the over-the-top “dream cake” but he will still get something special. A baker located in Fremont (Anything Cakes) is constructing a custom cake that will be shark- or Dr. Who-themed. Jack will be totally happy with either so we are leaving it up to the baker’s discretion. I can’t wait to see what is created! A cake seems like a simple thing to a lot of people but birthdays have a lot more meaning for us these days and it’s awesome that the day can be made extra-special with things like this.

So…what else does an 8-year-old boy like Jack want for his birthday? His interests are definitely unique – he doesn’t like the usual stuff like Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Transformers, or Minecraft (in fact, he loathes them). Instead he wants things like this:

A “carnivorous rock” plush that he designed and GypsyGarden Etsy shop brought to fruition:rockdrawing

rock plush

* * *

A creepy cymbal-playing monkey:

* * *

Sticky slugs:

* * *

Toys that “eat” things/people, like Clayface:

* * *

And, just to throw us off, the random cute/normalish thing – a plush koala:

 

He’s also happy to get books and Legos, of course. He can never have too many of those!

I’m hoping Jack’s birthday party this weekend goes well and he has nothing but fun! The steroids will be mostly out of his system so he should be in a better mood overall.

And by this time next year…he should be DONE with chemotherapy altogether and be able to have a cancer-free birthday. WOOT! I know that’s what he REALLY wants!

Jack is Eight!

I can hardly believe it, but my big boy is eight years old. And what a difference a year makes!

JackAge7

Jack, age 7 (July ’13)

JackAge8

Jack Age 8 (July ’14)

He is shedding his baby face a bit more every year. He is 3″ taller and 3lbs. heavier than he was a year ago, putting him at 4’1″ and 51 lbs. now. He is only 13″ shorter than me! He is so much stronger than he looks or knows – he throws his arms around me and nearly bowls me over every time.

He is reading chapter books on his own. His favorite books are the Bunnicula series of books, but he likes anything with talking animals and magic.

He is still a child, but he has moments where he shows so much wisdom. He was having a rather difficult time on his birthday because he was disappointed in one of his gifts (the one that was the largest but turned out to be something he was not interested in). He told me, “I know I’m overreacting. I know it’s just one present and shouldn’t be the only thing I focus on.”

He still loves art (drawing in particular – he doesn’t have the patience for coloring and he doesn’t like the lack of control with painting) and Dr. Who is his favorite thing in the world. He does take breaks from watching repeats of Dr. Who by checking out Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (shhh, don’t tell anyone – it’s a guilty pleasure for him), although he complains when he feels something in the show is inappropriate for kids.

Jack is overflowing with empathy. When I’m sick or tired, he brings me stuffed animals to snuggle with in bed and draws pictures for me. He tries to be helpful by feeding the dog and cats (I forget to reward him with tokens for it now and he never asks). When his cousin accompanied us to the toy store this past weekend, Jack asked if she could have a toy, too, so that she didn’t feel left out.

More and more, Jack is gaining independence. He helps himself to snacks out of the pantry and can pick out his own clothes. He spends time alone in his room with the door closed,  usually reading or drawing or playing with his legos or iPad. He recently took his first shower, which BLEW HIS MIND. He giggled at the feeling of the shower on his back and he said showering “feels like cuddling.” It sounds like he even prefers it to baths now.

There are still challenges, as there are at every age. He often seems caught between his childish urges and his maturing brain. He still loves his stuffed animals and sleeps with his plush menagerie (which most recently included a hedgehog, a giant tarantula, a tiny owl, the killer bunny from Monty Python, and a squirrel dressed as Darth Vader that we’ve named Darth Nut). He still struggles with a  fear of the dark and of various bugs (spiders, moths, mosquitoes). He is moody and has gotten in trouble more often lately – trying his hand at lying or outright defiance.

I am so proud of him. He’s smart, compassionate, loving, creative and funny. He is so very strong and brave, even though he doesn’t know it yet.

He is my amazing eight-year-old boy. I am looking forward to seeing what his future holds.

So Many Experts, So Few Explanations

We’ve seen quite a few doctors over the last week to address Jack’s recent paralysis incident and an increase in headaches that don’t want to go away. Two pediatrician visits, one neurology visit, and lots of phone calls have occured. We have one more appointment Friday with the eye doctor just to make sure things are okay.

None of the doctors had answers for us. No one knows what caused the paralysis and the headaches seem to be tension headaches. Everything looks benign and so we will do nothing for now and hope it goes away (and the paralysis incident doesn’t recur). Perhaps being out of school will help.

Jack’s pediatrician has been great during all of this. He is really good at following up on what is going on with Jack even when we don’t reach out to him directly (usually we call the oncology clinic because we tend to assume whatever is happening is probably due to chemo). He took me aside after the appointment yesterday to talk with me privately, away from Jack. He wanted to know how I was doing and let me know that that we could come to him anytime – that he would figure out what is going on so that we don’t have to. He even went so far as to say he’d noticed that the oncology clinic seems to feel that I’m a worry wart since the things I report that are happening seem to differ from what his dad’s household reports. He doesn’t seem to share this opinion with them, and understands that kids are unreliable when reporting illness – and this is especially true with Jack.

To give an example, if I reported to the docs that “Jack was feeling weak” – it would be because Jack told me that he felt like a chicken filled with whipped cream instead of bones. Jack’s dad would usually not think anything of that kind of statement coming from Jack, other than that Jack is a bit goofy and unique in the way he describes himself. If Jack reports that he got a weird shivery feeling (but he doesn’t feel cold) – I would check his temperature (more often than not he’d have a temp, even if it was slight, or it would be an early sign he was coming down with a cold). Jack’s dad would just assume he was chilly.

I don’t know if this occurs because Jack spends more time with me or just that he tells me more about his feelings or maybe I am some kind of master decipherer! But unfortunately the differences in what is reported between households has the oncologist questioning ME instead of his dad. And I guess maybe they prefer to hear that Jack is doing fine on chemo.

This is partly why David is taking Jack to more appointments these days – to show that it’s not just me (and also to spare me the stress of dealing with these jerks). But it seems that a lot of the damage has been done in the oncology office’s eyes, so we just deal.

In any case, the talk with the pediatrician yesterday was both reassuring (that we have SOMEONE who understands what is going on and who will take the lead on monitoring Jack’s care from a holistic perspective) and frustrating. It’s pretty upsetting to feel that I am not being respected by my son’s oncologist, someone I have to rely on to cure and keep my son alive, and it seems the pregnancy hormones have me a bit more sensitive when it comes to feeling judged negatively as a parent. I’m having a hard time shaking it now that I’ve been reminded.

David and I avoided asking Jack how he was feeling this morning and just sent him off to school, fingers crossed that he would last the day. And it seems he has. There are only 7 more days of school left until summer break, so hopefully we can make it through and we will all get a break from the grind.

Random Notes – aka CliffsBlog

After today, Jack has three lumbar punctures left before the end of treatment (March 2015). That makes me happy. I’m trying to focus on that and not the fact that yesterday, I noticed Jack has tiny scars on his lower back from all the lumbar punctures over the last couple of years.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant and I’ve gained 3 lbs total. I don’t know what to think about that! (When I was pregnant with Jack, I’d gained 20 lbs by this point.) The baby is clearly growing, though, so my doctor says it’s fine.

We haven’t decided on a name for the baby yet. I am (irrationally) worried this baby will never have a name. It’s not that there are a lack of names out there but nothing seems to be “the one.” It feels weird to not know what this baby’s name will be.

Make-a-Wish is coming out to our house on May 22nd to start the interior design phase of Jack’s room makeover! Yay!!!

So far, Jack is physically doing okay with the increase to his chemotherapy dose. Mentally, things aren’t so great and his anxiety has ramped up along with homework (math) difficulties. We found out at his appointment today that the chemotherapy dose is being increased yet again (that makes increases 3 weeks in a row) because he grew a bit since he was last in. And his ANC came back SUPER high, which really made me nervous at first but the nurse case manager said that it’s likely just a sign that he has finally gotten over whatever hit him so hard last August. So yay for that!

We are very much looking forward to the end of the school year in FIVE WEEKS.

Jack is wearing new shoes! He actually has two new pairs! He hasn’t put those freaking fur-lined boots on in over a week. Instead he’s trading off between Crocs and a pair of New Balance sandals. He wears them both with socks, but hey! I’ll take it!!!

This weekend we’re going to Camp Okizu (a free camp for families dealing with cancer). That will be a nice break for us and allow us some time to connect with other families in the cancer community. We’ve heard a lot about how people meet other families at the hospital/clinic but that hasn’t been the case for us. Generally the patients don’t mingle at Kaiser. We’re rarely in the waiting room with other families and the clinic booths are separated by curtains. So anyway, it’s nice to be able to chat with other families at camp who’re going through the same things as us.

Lastly, I had a wonderful Mother’s Day. David brought me fresh Starbucks, a donut, and made me breakfast in bed. He pulled some poppies from our backyard and put them in a vase for me, as well. I got to nap a bunch and then I took Jack to Build-a-Bear. We finished the day off by having Japanese delivery for dinner and watching Game of Thrones. I am cherishing the relaxing day because next year will likely be more chaotic with the baby in the house!

Aural Update

Is that a word – aural? I’m not sure but it is amusing to me so I’m going with it.

In case you haven’t guessed (or you’re new here), this is in reference to my post Lions and Tigers and Auras, Oh My! I thought an update might be in order.

First, Jack spent a weekend with his dad and step-mom and during his time there, his step-mom asked him how long he’s been seeing colors around people. Jack’s answer was, “Since I got my new glasses.” And we all thought, AH HA!

I did some research and found out this is called chromatic aberration, or “color ghosting” around the edges of objects. It is much more common in polycarbonate lenses (which are generally what they give to children because they are more durable) that have stronger prescriptions. Some people don’t notice it, but Jack does. Apparently.

In addition to learning this valuable information, I met with Jack’s therapist and her supervisor – both to get my questions answered and get an update on Jack’s progress in therapy. We all agreed that Jack is an extra-empathetic and intuitive kid. We also agreed that he is in need of tools to help him learn how to distance himself from the emotions of those around him so that he doesn’t absorb them, which has caused him problems at school. He comes by this naturally – I deal with it, as well. This ‘ability’ has led me to refer to myself as a ‘mood sponge’ and it can be very difficult for me to differentiate between my own feelings and those of various highly emotional people I might spend time with and care about. It can be very confusing when I get depressed out of nowhere and have no clue as to why – and then it all becomes clear when a family member or friend that I’ve been around a lot admits they’ve been struggling with depression. Anyway, I haven’t done a great job of learning how to handle this, so it’s not something I can help Jack with. Jack’s therapist, however, can help him with that as part of their regular therapy.

Regarding the whole auras and Intuitive thing – the supervising therapist clarified that she had not been suggesting that Jack meet with an Intuitive – merely, it was a resource for me (and his other parents) if we wanted some additional guidance in understanding a highly empathetic child. None of that is part of the therapy he is getting from them; it’s just extra information that we can do with what we will. I expressed our general discomfort with that route and let both therapists know that we’d like to focus on the typical therapeutic methods of helping Jack to learn to put up boundaries, which they are more than happy to do. Whew.

I didn’t bother arguing that I don’t think Jack can actually see auras or explaining about the chromatic aberration thing. Essentially, the whys of his empathetic nature aren’t so important to me – I don’t think we can really know why he is the way he is. What is really important is that he learns how to utilize his empathy to his own benefit instead of being constantly exhausted by the emotions of others around him.

Hopefully I can learn that, too! It would sure make my life easier.

Last but not least, THANK YOU to everyone who provided input on my post. It was very helpful to hear a variety of perspectives on this subject. I really appreciate it. My friend Jana recommended I get the book The Highly Intuitive Child: A Guide to Understanding and Parenting Unusually Sensitive and Empathic Children (that’s an affiliate link). I’ve started reading through it and so far it’s RIGHT ON. So if you’ve noticed your own child seems extra sensitive to the world around him/her and you’re looking for some parenting tips, go check it out!

Over Halfway There

I’m in my 22nd week of pregnancy now. We’re over halfway there! We had the baby’s anatomy scan about two weeks ago and it went pretty well. The baby was not being all that cooperative – as I had thought, the kid prefers to tuck himself deep into my pelvis, hence the hip and leg pain I’ve been having for a while now. It took some work on the ultrasound tech’s part to find out the gender because our baby’s little pretzel legs kept getting in the way, but about halfway through we saw undeniable evidence that this one is a boy.

Jack totally called it a few days prior when he said, “I want it to be a girl, but I think it will be a boy.”

I had mixed feelings upon learning the gender, to be honest. I love having a boy already and it seems like boys are a bit easier to raise (with lower-pitched voices). At the same time, my boy is very attached to me and I know girls tend to be more attached to their dads – it would be nice to have someone in the house not obsessed with me (we also have three animals that are males and all gravitate to me)! There are no guarantees, of course. Who knows, maybe this kid will think I’m boring as hell.

Anyway, I’ve gotten used to the idea of having another boy now and all is well on that front.

So, with that, we’ve stopped disagreeing about girl names and turned our focus to boys names. We have two picked out that are tied for first place but I keep hearing one of them pop up all over the place so I don’t know that we’ll go with it. I can’t quite cross it off the list, though.

Last night I dreamed about the baby and saw his face. Unfortunately that didn’t help sway my opinion of either name. Bah! (Maybe I should put the baby’s name up to the a vote – ha!) Hopefully it will all become clear when the little dude joins us in the outside world.

David finally felt the baby move over the weekend! He’s been moving around for weeks but the kicks were inconsistent and I think maybe the placenta is toward my back or something. The kid is getting stronger, though, and loves to be active right at bedtime. Maybe that’s why I continue to suffer from fatigue, headaches, and SERIOUS pregnancy brain!

Because of the fatigue, headaches, pregnancy brain, and overall less patience with the world around me, I’m in hibernation mode. I’ve been making dumb mistakes and forgetting a lot of things, which is super frustrating to me. I’m an administrative assistant, so the fact that I can’t trust myself and must triple-check my work is screwing with my self-esteem! But at least I’m flighty enough to only worry about it for five minutes at a time…

That’s the latest on this pregnancy business. Any questions?

Somewhat Calmer Days

I’m in the second trimester of my pregnancy (at least, I am according to one of the apps on my phone) and things have mellowed out some. Not a lot, but enough that I’m not waking up at 5am having panic attacks and worrying about my ability to parent a second child effectively. Instead I’m waking up at 5am and trying to soothe Jack back to sleep because he’s had a nightmare or three. Or I’m contemplating murdering one of my cats – either the one that likes to scratch every wooden surface in the house or the one that lets out loud, melancholy yowls when he can see the bottom of his food dish.

Pregnancy has made me much less tolerant of my animals’ antics. David has had to tell me to stop trying to give away our pets. And I said fine, but I can’t be held accountable if one (or all) of them doesn’t make it to the end of this pregnancy.

Hormones – they are raging in full force!

Aside from Jack’s nightmares, things with Jack have been a little more manageable as of late. He is enjoying his new adapted PE class, which means, for the first time EVER, he is enjoying physical education at school. We’re being much more lax on homework and watching the clock so that he doesn’t work on homework longer than 20 minutes each night. This helps us all feel less stressed! We bought him a new memory foam mattress and it seems like it’s helping him get out of bed in the morning without the aches and pains (and it’s good for me because my arms were falling asleep when I would lay down with him on his old mattress).

Jack’s been attending therapy for about four weeks now, as well, which started when he began showing signs of depression. He loves going to therapy, which is play-based. He gets to talk about whatever he wants and he’s assured that it’s all private (unless, of course, there is talk of hurting himself or others). He’s had fewer angry outbursts and seems to be more talkative about other things now. Next we’ll have to see if we can do something about those nightmares.

David and I are going in this Friday for our next prenatal appointment and we’re supposed to have another ultrasound done. I’ll be 14 weeks exactly, and the ultrasound tech I spoke with last time I was in said she can usually tell the gender at that time. My fingers are crossed that we’ll be able to find out – baby names are driving me crazy and I hope that knowing the gender will help bring some clarity in that arena. David and I aren’t finding it easy to agree on names – he likes classic American/English names and I generally prefer things that aren’t in the top 100…not to mention that quite a few people I know have either had babies recently or are giving birth this year and some of the names on our list are also being considered by friends.

“You know too many people,” David says.

Jack thinks the baby will be a boy, although the only name suggestion he has offered is for a girl – Ruby. I was impressed by his suggestion, and also a little surprised because he usually names things according to the color they are. Although, now that I think of it, perhaps he is taking inspiration from my own gemstone-inspired name. Huh. (That’s how names get taken off the list sometimes – a thought occurs to one of us like “oh that starts a theme” or “but that reminds me of that crazy person” or “too many celebrity babies have that name.”)

Naming babies is hard…

Anyway, that’s the latest and greatest in our household. And, yeah, feel free to throw some names at us if you think of anything!

Anger Turned Inward

Recently Jack told David that his life was perfect. David looked at him incredulously and asked, “What about the cancer?”

Jack replied, “Cancer doesn’t bother me much.”

Yeah…okay.

Tuesday morning I found Jack sitting in a corner of his room by himself when he was supposed to be putting his shoes on. He was just sitting there. When I asked him what was going on, he told me he felt weird and sad and didn’t know why.

Are you sad because you don’t feel good?
Are you sad because you miss your dad and brother?
Are you tired and that’s making you sad?
Is there something happening at school to make you sad?

None of those, he said. He just didn’t know. He was sad and teary and had no energy for school.

I pulled him into my lap and cuddled with him. I told him I felt that way sometimes, too. We decided to stay home and snuggle under the covers and watch a movie together. We would have a mental health day.

He went to school on Wednesday, and then Thursday came around. Upon waking, he complained that his back hurt, he was shivery, and he had no energy. We went about our normal morning routine and I hoped he would rally and be able to go to school. But he did not. Instead his stomach and chest started hurting.

I decided to give him some time and then I told him I was going to take him to school but that if he wasn’t feeling better by lunch time, I would pick him up. He buried his head in the couch and started hitting it. He growled. I told him I would let him work it out and get his shoes on while I brushed my teeth. But when I came back, he was throwing things and holding up a screwdriver by his face and pulling on his hair. I told him he wasn’t allowed to hurt himself, and he stomped off to his bedroom and slammed the door behind him.

After a bit he emerged again but was still growling and stomping and throwing things about. So I tried to talk to him.

You seem really upset. I bet you’re mad that you feel sick all the time. You probably hate taking so many pills. And you don’t have any control over those pills.

“The pills feel like poison,” he replied. He had quieted a bit and was listening to me, albeit with a frown in place.

I bet that makes you mad that you have to take medicine and that medicine doesn’t even make you feel good – it just makes you feel worse!

Jack nodded.

Medicine is no fun. And you know what, cancer sucks. I hate cancer. It’s not fair that you have to deal with cancer, Jack. You didn’t do anything to deserve cancer. Cancer is a jerk and it shouldn’t be allowed!

“Yeah, I hate cancer, too! It makes me want to break things!”

Well, you can’t break things, but what about ripping things? I’m sure we have scratch paper you can rip up. Sometimes ripping things up makes me feel better. Oooh, and what if you drew cancer and THEN ripped it up?!

That got some life back into him. We headed to the office and I found some scratch paper and handed it over to him. I then gave him some space.

He drew two pictures, each time coming to find me and show me how he could rip cancer to shreds. He shouted “murder” at the pieces and then stomped on them. A bit of a smile came onto his face after destroying the second drawing. I asked if he would draw one for me to rip up, too. He went right to work and came back with an illustration of a body labeled cancer and a dotted line across its throat. He pointed and said, “This is where you can rip its head off.”

I ripped its head off and then kept on ripping while yelling at it, “I hate you, cancer. How dare you hurt my son! You leave Jack alone! No one wants you here! You suck and we hate you! Don’t ever come back!”

And then I stomped on the little pieces for good measure while a cackle bubbled up in Jack’s throat. I felt so much relief to hear that laugh. My boy was back, if just for a bit. We had broken through the cloud that engulfed him.

He kept drawing and I made a phone call to see if I could move up the initial appointment with the new therapist. Thankfully, a spot had opened up in her schedule for that evening.

I then got a text from Jack’s aunt asking if some time with cousins might cheer Jack up. Thank you thank you thank you, I thought. We ate lunch and headed straight there. His aunt and I drank tea and chatted while Jack and his cousin Isha closeted themselves in the office and drew pictures together.

Later, he put up a fight about leaving and got angry all over again but we headed to the therapist’s office anyway. After an hour with her, he was almost back to his old self. I don’t know the details about their session, but Jack did draw something for the therapist and also said, “I told her about my sad feelings.” He also said he’d love to come back. So, I’ll count that as a good session indeed.

Jack asked to watch an episode of Cupcake Wars with me when we got home. We snuggled up and watched a British-themed episode. Jack kept petting me the whole time and we hugged over and over.

It was a terribly rough day in an already difficult week, but at the end it felt like we’d made progress. Maybe Jack’s grief has moved on from denial and he is now allowing the anger to come out. Maybe next time he talks about cancer, he’ll admit that it sucks instead of pretending that his life is perfect.

Even if he doesn’t, we have one picture leftover from yesterday to mark the occasion. We may have to frame it.

CancersGrave

Not Your Average Kid

Jack doesn’t like juice. He prefers milk or water (no bubbles!).

He won’t eat pizza.

He doesn’t like being dirty or sticky.

He gets upset for characters in books and trees that get cut down.

Jokes about bodily functions offend him and he refuses to even talk about those things. (We had to stop reading the How To Train Your Dragon series.)

As far as he is concerned, Band-Aids are the devil. He will absolutely not wear them. If somehow he gets one put on (like after a vaccination or a lumbar puncture, it’s hell trying to take it off him.)

He won’t wear shorts or tank tops. In fact, he’d like to be fully clothed (with sleeves) at pretty much all times.

Sponge Bob annoys him.

He thinks everyone should be able to easily draw like he does.

He will put himself in time out at school if he feels he’s done something wrong.

He doesn’t like guns.

He likes for his clothes to match.

His tolerance for others’ silliness is low, even though he is quite the goofball when he feels like it.

He loves things that other kids would think are spooky – aliens, monsters, bugs, etc.

He doesn’t sing or dance. He doesn’t like when others do it in front of him, either. He does hum when he thinks no one can hear him, though (but gets upset if you DO hear and comment on it).

He loves his long hair even though people mistake him for a girl often.

Choice Quotes From Jack

Some of my favorite quotes from Jack’s twitter account.

(Holding up Yogurt Drops and Wheat Things) “I feel up for a little fusion.”

Those are old school cool! They’ve been around since I was like 1 or 2.

Why is it so peaceful here? I want to be a hero but there’s no chance here!

In the sense that I have all the parts I need, I’m complete. But in the sense that I’m still growing to be a grown up, I’m not complete.

The bad thing about getting older is that things get harder.

Sometimes I eat more sophisticated chicken.

I feel like chicken filled with whipped cream instead of muscles.

You know why I’m like this – it’s because of the droids! (Just wrapped up a week of steROIDS.)

Being all amazing and things is not hard at all for me.

Maybe in the future, maybe in 20 years, we can learn to make magic happen.

I have three parts: good parts, bad parts, and dragon parts.

You can’t touch time. But a clock can!

Milk glues bones together in a tasty way.