My Two Boys

I’m not sure that I say this enough, but I have two amazing kids. They are both sweet and adorable and they make me laugh constantly with their bizarre shenanigans. They take my breath away on a regular basis.

How? How did I get so lucky?

It’s incredible to me how different from one another they are, though. I can’t help but marvel at how two kids that have been parented mostly the same can be so very different. (Nature, I guess!)

Jack, my first born, is creative, funny, and sensitive…he has always had a carefulness about him that makes him seem older and wiser than his years. He has a unique way of looking at the world that influences everything he does – and really, everyone around him.

He worries about the future…about growing up and his childhood being gone before he is ready. I find it a bit strange considering the fact that his life thus far has not been exactly carefree, but it is one of the reasons why I am endlessly curious to see what his future holds and how he navigates this life.

Jack and dragon drawing

Showing off his dragon drawing at the oncology office.

Dez, on the other hand, is fearless and determined, albeit goofy as heck. He is not even two yet but this kid is full of energy and life. He never stops moving and is constantly keeping us on our toes. He reminds me of that old game on ancient cell phones called Snake. As the snake eats he keeps growing and getting bigger than he (or anyone else) can handle. But no matter how big he is or how many things he runs into, he gets back up and redirects himself around the obstacles.

His drive is completely foreign to me but already I admire him (all while knowing I will go fully gray by the time he is a teenager).

Dez taking a walk.

Dez taking a walk; he loves going outside.

The boys love each other so much. When Jack comes home from his dad’s, Dez is so happy he breaks into peels of laughter. He just can’t contain himself. They play together often – sword fighting with pool noodles or tickling one another or chasing each other around furniture. Our house is loud and boisterous.

I wanted this, dreamed about it for years, yearned for a house full of children laughing. I have my dream life!

I don’t always enjoy it, though. It’s not so easy to remember to do that when I’m running around preparing various meals, running to doctor and dental appointments, struggling over homework or diaper changes, constantly picking up after a toddler who doesn’t stop moving, the lack of sleep… It’s hectic and it’s easy to get swept away in the whirlwind of life with young children.

But I cherish these boys and my little family with every fiber of my being. I hope they know it.

It’s A Hard-Knock Life (For Us Parents)

I have a migraine right now and my hip is fucking killing me. I would love to go to bed – I don’t even care that it’s not even 9pm on a Friday – but I can’t go to bed because Dez is trying to go to sleep in said bed and my presence is not conducive to him falling asleep.

This is parenthood. Sleep is like vacation to me – better, even, because it requires much less planning (and yet is no less elusive at times).

David and I are involved in a tag team effort at bedtime these days. I nurse Dez, then David steps in when Dez decides maybe he doesn’t want to go to sleep and tries to make a break for it. Daddy means business, though, and when he walks in the room, Dez knows his attempts at delaying bedtime are doomed.

Being the parent of a toddler is hard. I had forgotten just how hard. I guess that’s what happens when you wait eight years to have a second child! This little person who is most definitely his own little person and yet can’t do a damned thing for himself yet (except stuff too many yogurt melts in his mouth at one time) can make you question your choices in life, your sanity, and your self-worth. I had forgotten, but now I remember: I do not like the toddler years, Sam-I-Am.

Frankly, the pre-teen years aren’t seeming to be much better at this point. I’ve been meaning to write about all kinds of Jack-related things but it’s a big ball of complexity that I barely want to think about. The shortish version is this – he has been diagnosed with ADHD, dyscalculia (a math learning disability), and anxiety brought on by medical-related experiences. And in a year he goes back for more testing because the neuropsychologist isn’t sure she was able to get him all figured out.

At nearly the same time that we got the diagnoses and the rest of the results of the neuropsych testing, things at school got particularly bad. Jack and his teacher are at complete odds. It’s partly Jack’s fault and partly the teacher’s fault, and both of them are less than flexible people. We are working on Jack’s behavior, though I think we (and the teacher!) will just have to accept that Jack will have some bad days.

Therapy has been successful, though, so that’s a plus. Yay! I’ll take all the victories I can get.

Back to Dez…he’s a weird little fellow. He’s no longer that magical unicorn baby. He is vocal and can be clingy and so very quirky. He took his first unassisted steps a few days before Christmas, and then hasn’t walked since. He just goes around walking on his knees (which are now quite callused). He doesn’t say much, either. He has some words but very few that are clear. That doesn’t stop him from chatting, though. He talks a LOT – just not in English.

He also doesn’t sleep for shit. He is a terrible, no good, very bad sleeper. I think he must have gotten it from David because Jack and I both excel at sleeping!

He is a great eater, though. He’s got Jack beat on that!

So clearly we’re living a hectic existence right now. I know it won’t last forever and one day I will look back and miss the moments where Jack helps his brother walk around the living room or Dez snuggles up to me for midnight nursing sessions…but right now I am dreaming of peace and quiet.

Fewer headaches and a massage would be lovely, too.

No More Kids, Man

I thought it would be different this time.
I thought I was prepared.
I had doubts, sure. I started worrying as soon as I knew I was pregnant. But I reassured myself, and David reassured me.

In some ways, I prepared well. I was careful to stay on my anti-depressants. I said ahead of time – I would only breastfeed if it wasn’t torturous like it was the first time around. I took three months of maternity leave, instead of 6 weeks.

And many things have gone more smoothly with this second child. Labor was fairly easy, as was recovery. Dez has been a pretty easy-going baby. Breastfeeding hasn’t been nearly as horrid as it was the first time.

But I’m still me; I don’t function well on inconsistent sleep, and I haven’t slept a full night since early pregnancy. I still have a sharp limit on amount of physical touch I can handle – and that is far surpassed on a daily basis (and all.night.long) by a clingy toddler.

I still give everything to those I love and forget about myself until I’m depleted and just going through the motions. And thus I no longer make time to craft or read or hang out with friends without a child to care for at the same time.

Look at how long I’ve gone without writing!

A few months ago, I changed jobs. I left a decade+ long career as an executive assistant (aka taking care of grown men) because I felt like I could no longer take care of people all day and then go home and take care of my family, too. Some people can do that (nurses!), but my tolerance for that type of work withered during Jack’s treatment. So now I am starting all over at the bottom with a new career and I enjoy it much more (minus the lower salary), but I feel like I’m still in the negative on my caregiving stores.

So, my kids aren’t bathed enough and their nails are too long. Jack is overdue for some health-related tests, and Dez doesn’t quite know what a toothbrush is yet (or a dentist, for that matter). My house is in a constant state of disaster. Anything that doesn’t walk right up and take what it wants from me is being neglected – my pets, my husband, my friends, myself.

I don’t know how to fix any of it, but I know how to prevent this from happening in the future – no more kids! I love Jack and Dez so very much, and it seems to be to my detriment. I’m sure it will get easier, but right now it’s awfully hard and I can’t survive it again.

***

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago on my phone and emailed it to myself to post when I got to it. And I didn’t get to it until today. I’m in a better place now mentally compared to where I was when I wrote it, but I do think it’s a good idea that I’m done having kids. That makes me sad, but I’m coming to terms with it. I love my family and I need to figure out how to keep myself on the up and up for the long haul!

Mom and Dez

Dez and me (’cause cute photos are a must).

Have you made a decision on whether you are done having kids or not? How did you come to that conclusion?

Keeping Your Toddler Busy When Traveling

Last week I hopped on a plane with my very active 13-month-old baby/toddler. Desmond and I took a 4.5 hour flight from San Francisco to Atlanta, just the two of us (well, and everyone else on the plane). We flew back home yesterday.

I will come out and say this for all to read – I was terrified to take this trip on my own. But that’s how most adventures in parenting start, right?

Airport baby wearing

Babywearing at the airport

To prepare, I scoured the internet for ideas for keeping small children occupied on airplanes. I found a lot of suggestions that work for kids over the age of 2 years – those kids that are less likely to eat the crayons or throw the blocks at other passengers. Dez is still not 100% accurate with putting food in his mouth – there is no way he would have luck drawing on a magnedoodle!

Having very little luck with my search on the internet, I proceeded to tear through my house looking for items that I wouldn’t normally let Dez play with but that also aren’t dangerous while supervised. I came up with quite a few things to put in my “forbidden items grab bag.” I then hit up my Facebook parenting groups to gather more ideas before heading to Target. (I came out spending way too much, but it was less than $100, which is kind of amazing for a trip to Target!)

In the end, I collected quite the mishmash of items to entertain my toddler on the plane. And thus I bring you tips for flying with a toddler (without losing your mind).

Ewokmama tips for flying with toddler

Ideas for Fun and/or “Forbidden” Items to Bring on the Plane:

  • a fun keychain with spare keys and a large paperclip attached
  • various expired membership cards
  • a bracelet
  • post-it notes
  • small, portable toys that are new to your toddler – we had Little People figurines, My Little Pony minis, a Little People clown car
  • a pill organizer filled with snacks
  • stickers
  • interactive books (i.e. a “slide & seek” book and Pat the Bunny)
  • a pack of playing cards from the $1 bin

My cell phone is the ultimate forbidden item, of course…so I also looked around the app store to find things that might appeal to a toddler. [Note: If your kiddo is closer to 2 years and above, Toca Boca makes some awesome apps.] The best app I found is called “Animal and Tool Picture Flashcards for Babies” by Open Solutions. It’s free and contains a mixture of animal photos and clip art pictures; when you tap on a picture, the app states the name of the animal and then plays a clip of the sound that animal makes.

That app was the best money I never spent! Dez LOVED it. Even aside from the animal pictures and sounds, he really enjoyed dancing to the background music. It came in handy in the hotel room later, as well.

A word of warning, though. Now that I’ve let Dez play with my cell phone, he is more demanding about it than ever. Still, it was worth it for peace of mind on the plane!

If I were to pick one item from the above list to suggest above all others (aside from the animal flashcards app), it would be the pill organizer filled with snacks. Dez thought it was great to point to the container he wanted me to pop open – over and over. The snacks were key! A well-fed kid is a happy kid!

Aside from items to schlep along with you onto a plane, here are a few more tips for flying with toddlers:

  • Opt for the window seat. Not only will your kid like the view, but you can use stranger anxiety to keep him from trying to make a run for it.
  • If you are flying with your child on your lap, upgrade to get extra legroom. You can let your kid stand up a bit or maybe even play on the floor (depending on how MUCH leg room there is). And in case of tantrums, flailing limbs are less likely to hit the seat in front of you.
  • Babywear through security.
  • Ask for an empty cup and/or water bottle for your kid to play with.
  • Make sure to nurse or give your child something to drink during take off and landing to help with eardrum pressure.

Hopefully these things will help you get through your trip without any meltdowns from your toddler OR YOU. If not and your kid has a tantrum, hang in there! And maybe buy your neighbor – and yourself – a drink to cope.

Moms and dads, what did I forget? What are your tricks for traveling with toddlers?

Oh, What A Year

Desmond is one year old.

Desmond's 1st birthday

Desmond looking handsome in a bow tie at his first birthday party.

That statement makes me want to laugh and cry and shake my head and hide all at the same time. Where has the time gone? How can I slow it down?

That seven-pound, one-ounce boy who shot into the world last September is now a real person and not just a squishy baby. He has preferences and makes them known! He has a firm place here in our lives and it’s inconceivable that there was ever a time he wasn’t around.

At his recent well baby check-up, Dez weighed in at 21lb. 12oz. and measured slightly over 30″ (they measured twice but didn’t get an accurate reading because he refuses to lay down and be still). [Side note: I've gotten quite good at putting diapers on while Desmond is on his hands and knees or standing up.]

David and I sat talking the other night (a rare moment when the house is quiet and we can both still communicate before passing out) about our second son and his future. He is a driven little guy. Dez never stops moving, seeking, daring. We already know he is going to test our limits more than Jack ever has – this kid has no fear. Not only that, but when he is doing something he knows he’s not supposed to do, he hesitates and looks back to make SURE we are watching him – once he has our attention, he cackles and goes for it! He is one cheeky little dude.

Peek a boo

Dez playing peek a boo

At a year, he is on the verge of so many things. We are hearing the beginnings of words. They all kind of sound the same, and he is very selective about using them, but I’m pretty sure he says dog and Jack. When Dez can’t see his dad, he stands at the baby gate holding the bars and yelling, “DAAAAHHH!” over and over until David shows up.

Baby yelling

Dez yelling, “Daaaahhh!”

By the end of our recent trip to the east coast, he squeaked out a “bye” and finally learned to wave (although, again, he does so selectively and often AFTER the person is out of sight). He says a lot of unintelligible things, as well – in particular he seems to love making a grand gesture by throwing his arm in the air and letting out a stream of baby babble as if he were giving a speech.

I’m hoping one day I can say, “Desmond is a great speaker” and NOT “my second son is a dictator.”

He is, in a word, ACTIVE. He is cruising on the furniture, crawling super fast (and only in the last few weeks have I noticed he’s on all fours instead of on his belly), climbing over the dog, and he took to the stairs at his grandparents’ and aunt’s houses as if he had climbed them before in a dream.

Baby climbing the stairs

Climbing the stairs at 11 months.

He loves to throw a ball and is surprisingly good at it! He digs being chased around the couch or peeking over the back at whomever is sitting there. He has recently developed a keen sense of whether the baby gate is open even when it’s out of his site and will stop whatever he is doing (often, nursing) and propel himself toward it. One of us then has to dash across the room to shut the gate just before his little fingers get in the way. Dez then wails loudly until we distract him with something else (“Dez! Look at the ball popper!”).

That kid loves to eat, as well. He waves his arms excitedly when food appears and demands to be fed – especially if others around him are eating. Yogurt melts and puffs are his favorite snacks, but he will try anything from egg salad to meatballs (making good use of his six teeth). Food makes him pretty freakin’ happy. Oh wait – EXCEPT cake! We’ve tried cake twice and he threw it on the floor both times. How in the world is this kid related to me?

Baby with first cake

Dez about to chuck his vanilla cream cheese birthday cake onto the floor.

Dez expresses love for us now and it’s the cutest thing! Yesterday Jack was upset and climbed into my lap for hugs. Dez piled on, laying his head against Jack’s back and started patting Jack’s shoulder. And when we wake up in the morning Dez likes to climb all over his dad and me and lay his head on our shoulders. He shares things – he always shows me the star map on his dad’s phone and, less awesome, he shares his food with the dog.

We have our challenges with him. Aside from the fatigue that comes with chasing an active toddler (or reading every book that he shoves in our faces), there is also the fact that he still doesn’t sleep through the night. Jack didn’t sleep through the night at this age, either, so I’m not concerned but I AM tired. Not only that, but many nights David is the only one who can get Dez to go to sleep. That usually involves holding him, SHHing, and letting him thrash and cry until he passes out. He used to fall asleep to me nursing him, but no more (except for naps). I don’t know what that’s about. There is also the fact that he won’t stay still during diaper changes, as I mentioned before.

Separation anxiety is at a peak right now, too. Dez hates it when anyone leaves the room, but especially when I leave the room. He also has stranger anxiety and had no idea what was going on when Jack came home having cut all his hair off this past weekend! Desmond could not get into my arms – and away from his brother – fast enough. On the bright side, I suppose that means he is good and attached to us. And luckily he warms up to other people fairly quickly.

So…here we are beginning the journey into year two. I find myself both excited and sad. I can’t wait to see what Dez is going to do next, but at the same time I want to savor the moments when my child is still small and roley-poley and his world is fairly simple. After all, I am keenly aware of how quickly nine years can pass.

All in all, I’m so thankful for this sweet boy and count myself as one lucky mama.

Daddy and toddler

Dez and Daddy