Not Your Average Mother

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I know that is not unusual in the least, but my mom takes quirky to a new level, and I learned so much from her. She is not your average mother, and thus, neither am I.

This Mother’s Day, I thought I would share some of what my mom taught me, whether directly or through her actions. Some of what I learned from my mom is pretty badass (in my opinion), but there are also unexpected twists…

mom and daughter

My mother and me, circa 1998.

If someone tries to abduct you, even at gunpoint, scream. It’s better to be killed on the spot than to go through what they have planned. And you don’t want to have to live with the memories of what they will do to you.

Be assertive. Something is wrong with your order? Talk to the manager. If someone is sitting in the booth you want? Ask them to move.

Learn to type. If you can type, you can get a job. And having a job is very, very important so that you never have to rely on anyone.

Don’t trust anyone with your money. Your husband might very well drain the bank account and charge up the credit cards buying a fur coat (in Sacramento!) for his mistress. It’s best to have separate bank accounts. And make sure your paycheck can cover the bills entirely because your boyfriend may up and go to prison.

Keep calm and carry on. If you find out your boyfriend has committed atrocious crimes, stay calm and don’t let him know you’re onto him. Instead go immediately to the courthouse to get a restraining order and have your 6’4″ brother deliver it. Don’t tell said boyfriend why he is being kicked out. Later, work with police to get his confession to the crime recorded over the phone.

Okay, you can break down but only in the shower when you think your kids can’t hear you.

Plan ahead. Get your will and life insurance and safety deposit boxes in order, and then tell your kids all about it, even if they are preteens. “I added you to my bank account. If I die, you need to go withdraw all the money right away because otherwise it can get caught up in legal proceedings and it will take forever to get the money and it might even disappear.”

Pay attention to your maternal instincts! When your spidey sense starts telling you something isn’t right with your kids, listen. You might just show up in the middle of your kids getting a lesson about their dad’s drug use.

I think about these lessons from time to time and the depth of experience that comes with them. My mom has survived so much in her life and I can honestly say I look up to her a lot. At the same time, I hope to never have to share most of these lessons with my own kids.

With that said, I have my own history and quirks. Time will tell what kind of lessons my children will glean from me.

What about you? What life lessons have you learned from your mother that she may not have intended to teach you?

Lessons Learned From Government Cheese

I grew up poor. For much of my early childhood we were at poverty level. My parents split when I was four, so my mother – age 22 at the time – was left with three young kids and a mortgage on a house she had borrowed money to get in the first place. She hadn’t graduated high school – instead she took the California high school equivalency exam – so she worked at a gas station where, on two separate occasions, she was robbed at gunpoint. After the second time she went to find a filing job with the county court system, where she eventually (when I was a teen) worked her way up to middle class wages.

Our family relied on my maternal grandmother for support, in spite of the fact that she was on disability and was only making it thanks to a man who couldn’t say no. My grandmother took this man for everything he had in order to care for us – his car, his money, his house. If it wasn’t for this man who was used, abused, and driven into bankruptcy, there is no way our family would have survived.

My grandmother was always very focused on money. She herself was born in Oklahoma at the tail end of the Great Depression; I can only guess her parents passed on their experiences from that time to her. My grandmother carried the idea that women didn’t get ahead by working – they had to use their bodies. In her mind, all actresses slept their way to the top. And she often said that she “should have married a rich old man” so that he’d die and leave her his money. One of my clearest memories is when I told my grandma I wanted to be an artist and she said, “Artists don’t make any money until after they’re dead.”

Pursuing a career in something you liked to do was a luxury that my family didn’t even acknowledge as being a possibility – unless, of course, it was obtained in some disreputable manner.

At my grandma’s co-opted house, floor to ceiling cabinets held more canned goods than we could eat. There were two refrigerators and a deep freezer. An extra pantry was added to the hallway and I remember gazing up at the shelves full of cereal boxes each morning. There were at least twenty boxes in there at a time – more than enough to feed three children under the age of five.

Our dinners came in tiny portions, of which included over-cooked meat (we couldn’t afford food poisoning!) and things from a can. I was a teenager before I learned that canned soup should have water or milk added to it; somewhere along the way my grandma must have internalized conservation of those precious liquids. On more than one occasion we used powdered milk with our cereal (which is more like milky water), and I never had a fresh vegetable unless I went to a friend’s house for dinner. My friend’s parents marveled at how much I ate when I visited – I was tiny, after all, and didn’t hit 100 lbs until I was a teen.

Some of our food came from public assistance. My family stood in line at a local church once a month for “government cheese,” a gigantic block of bright orange American cheese, along with a few other staples through a program subsidized by the government. I had subsidized lunches at school and the only baked things we got were the “end of life” goods on clearance at the Hostess bakery.

American cheese loaf

Even with all of this, I knew I had it pretty good – better than many (especially those kids in the Sally Struthers commercials). I had a house, even if I shared a room. I had clothes, even if they were bought on credit cards and my cheap shoes melted on the blacktop at school in the Sacramento heat. We had television (a second-hand working one on top of a dead one, naturally) and eventually we were able to get things like Nintendo, even if we weren’t early adopters. I’ve never been to Disneyland, but we had plenty of fun at our local Fairytale Town.

I focus on money a lot as an adult, in no small part due to my upbringing. The only money-related thing I’ve inherited is worry over finances. It eats me up when I owe money – financial stress takes me right back to my childhood and that desperate feeling of having to rely on others to get by.

I often have to remind myself that I have a great job, a two-income household, and a beautiful (yet affordable – for this area) home. I can pay my bills, even if it will take me longer than I’d like and I’ll have to pay interest. I can cancel cable if I need to, or offload a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve got lying around. If I need money, I can easily get it. In fact, if it comes down to it – I know exactly what to do to survive on a tiny fraction of what I am surviving on now.

Still, that feeling of being right on the edge of disaster is ever near and less than comfortable. I can’t shake the lessons I learned from growing up poor.

A little bit of discipline in my life

There is a part of me that really misses those earlier days of parenthood when all I had to worry about was keeping my baby alive and myself sane.  It didn’t seem like such an easy task at the time but at least it was fairly simple.  Now it’s not enough to keep the kid alive – I need to teach him stuff, too, and he is not quite as open to learning as he was as a little chubby, spongy baby.

Jack has been testing limits all over the place.  When he is asked to do something, he says “Mooom, I WILL – in 5 minutes.”  When that 5 minutes is up, he needs another 5, etc.  It’s not enough to give him choices or bribe him – he thinks even if he takes an hour to get dressed, he is still entitled to a reward.  And whenever he eventually does get around to doing what he is supposed to, he doesn’t want any adults watching him.  It’s like he is saying, “I can behave, but I refuse to do it for your benefit!”  Then there are the times when I tell him I need to take something away from him until he complies, he often responds with, “You can’t do that!”  It takes a lot of self control to not engage in an argument about what I certainly CAN do as his mother!

He’s been increasingly vocal about disliking going to daycare, as well – a place he has loved for nearly two years.  He claims he doesn’t like it there, that he doesn’t like the provider, that he doesn’t like learning or painting…nevermind that he is the last one to put his painting supplies away and many days when we pick him up he doesn’t want to leave.

Last week he started pushing some of the smaller kids in daycare (apparently because he doesn’t want them to touch his toys), and he has gotten into a “fight” with another boy his age.  Suddenly I am needing to discipline my kid!  We had a talk about appropriate behavior and I took away one of his favorite shows (Ben 10) until he could show me that he could behave at daycare.  There have been some major crying fits over this and that has been very hard for me.  My instinct to make him STOP CRYING is insanely strong and it kills me to hear him upset (and I now TOTALLY understand why some moms say “your dad will deal with you when he gets home!”).  I held my ground, though, and finally yesterday he got himself in gear.  He got to watch his show last night and this morning he asked if he could watch it again if he had another good day.  I said yes and then we talked about alternatives to pushing when the younger kids try to grab for his toys.  So…fingers crossed.

I’m not entirely sure what is driving Jack’s recent behavior (maybe it’s just a 4 year old thing) but theories include the testosterone surge that supposedly happens in 4 year old boys and the possibility that daycare isn’t challenging him properly anymore.  No matter what the case, we’re thinking it’s a good idea to channel this energy into something productive and maybe more physical like a tumbling class or peewee sports, where he can learn better impulse control.  His dad will be taking him an extra day a week soon and there are a lot of community resources for this type of thing in his area, so he’ll try some things out soon.

This is a weird place for me to be in.  I’m a real grown up now.  I’m that person saying, “You need to listen to me because I’m your mom and it’s my job to teach you about life!”  This more than anything makes me feel old.

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