SOCS: Dreams Of My Father

Today’s topic is Dreams.

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After my dad died, I had dreams about him constantly. I doubt a night went by that I didn’t dream of him. Mostly these dreams were simple – just letting me know he existed or giving me a look of love. We didn’t talk. These dreams were always vivid and in color. I don’t think I’ve ever dreamed in black and white.

Yesterday I was driving in the car with Jack. The Eagles came on the radio and I shouted, “Noooooo!” before quickly changing the station. Jack asked why I had reacted that way, so I told him the story of how my dad used to play Eagles songs on his guitar while sitting in the park. Ever since my dad died (back in 1991) I can’t listen to an Eagles song without wanting to throw up.

“These songs make me miss my dad.”

Telling Jack this brought back emotions that I haven’t felt for years. I finally made peace with my dad’s death around the time I got pregnant with Jack. This year in June, for probably the first time ever, I didn’t even think about the anniversary of his death. Still, with this one sentence, I felt his loss again.

It didn’t make me sad to access those feelings again, though. Instead, I was proud of myself for remembering him, for still feeling that connection, for being able to carry on and yet still be human.

I miss my dad, but I’m okay. I don’t need to dream about him anymore to know he loved me.

I still refuse to listen to The Eagles, though.

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…

  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post over at Jana’s place.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Truthiness Day 6: Nightmare

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to lose my son.  I could not get over that, could not deal with that kind of loss.  That would leave a gaping hole inside of me that would never be filled.  I suspect I would become Annabella Sciorra‘s character in What Dreams May Come, trapping myself inside my own personal hell.

Image from vincentwardfilms.com.

I had a miscarriage before I had Jack.  It was horrible and I fell into the worst depression I’ve ever felt.  I remember a lot from those days – imagining my future, a future that was supposed to include a child and all that comes with it.  I remember aching with loss, knowing I would never know that person and that I would miss out on every single thing that I was supposed to experience.  I am thankful to have Jack now; to know him, watch him grow, teach him, and experience life with him.  I don’t ache like I did before he came along because I have everything I wanted and more.  I don’t ever want that taken away.

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