Getting Lost With Ghosts

April 26, 2012 By 6 Comments

I wish I had better things to say. I wish I could say I’m doing a great job of handling everything that is going on right now. I do have good days and bad days – the bad days are taken over by anxiety attacks and depression, while my good days are still filled with weariness and worry. I’ve been burying myself in television and books to escape err, cope.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I look at the calendar several times each day to remind myself what day of the week it is. I forget to drink my coffee. Most nights I skip dinner. Last night I ate peanut butter cups.

My house is a disaster. And it smells. My cats ran out of food last night but I got home too late to get to the pet store for more. They are surely pissed off today. I need to fix the flat tire on my car, too. Oh, and go grocery shopping…

I took a day off last week sometime. I stayed in bed all day. I knew I had to move my car or risk getting a ticket. I went back to sleep instead. When I woke up, I peeked out the window and saw a ticket on my car, but I still couldn’t find it in myself to care. The idea of getting a second ticket didn’t even push me out the door…not until I realized David would be upset about it (we’d JUST talked about our expired parking permits a few days prior).

Things are a little better when Jack is with me. It gets me out of my head, I suppose. When he’s not here, I think about his treatment. It’s a few weeks until he starts the phase with eight different meds…it’s been a while since he’s spent time with kids his age…he needs to go to the dentist…we need to draw blood on XYZ days…I need to take a day off for his next treatment…when will he lose his hair…how will he handle it…is he doing too much activity…when will he end up back in the hospital…

It’s only been three months since his diagnosis – how long can I do this? I’ve been trying to think of ways to destress. Obviously this all has lit a fire under my PTSD. Usually when I’m stressed I take a trip, get away…but now I’m terrified to be away from Jack. Every time I try to make plans I just think about all the uncertainty ahead and how I’d rather just sit on the couch watching movies with him and snuggling under a blanket. I need to be here in case something happens.

I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. Jack’s been doing great. There have been no set-backs. Side-effects are few. In so many ways he is a normal kid. There will be an end to all of this. The end is three years away, though, and there will likely never be an end to my worry…

I need to keep going. There is so much that needs doing. I just need to stop getting lost in all of it and leave my ghosts behind.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

HAWMC: Health Time Capsule

April 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

This is my first post for WEGO Health’s Health Activist Writer’s Month Challenge. If you’d like to participate, please do! You can find out more info on the WEGO Health website.

Today’s prompt is: Pretend you’re making a time capsule of you & your health focus that won’t be opened until 2112. What’s in it? What would people think of it when they found it?

My health focus right now is mostly on the mental and staying sane. My son is battling Leukemia, my husband is back at work, I was given expanded responsibilities at work, and we are moving in a month. That’s enough to make any person crazy. Luckily, I’m already there so I think I have an advantage!

In my time capsule I’d have to put:

  • A picture of my husband and son. They both help me stay healthy. It’s for THEM that I stay healthy. I simply didn’t care about my health before I had Jack and David. I want to soak up as much time with them as possible. They are my motivation, pure and simple.
  • Prozac. This depression medication is not perfect but it has worked well enough for me for over three years now with the health of therapy. It has very few side effects and I don’t feel like a zombie on it.
  • My therapist’s business card. I see my therapist weekly and have been for about two years now (I had a different therapist prior to this). I’ve noticed that when I’ve skipped a week with him, I felt ready to explode.
  • A list of friend’s names and numbers. It’s a small list, for me, but it’s important. I know there are people who have my back at any time.
  • A few of my posts at Band Back Together. That site, and my work behind the scenes, means a lot to me. It remind me how far I’ve come when I read stories of individuals just beginning their mental health journey. I love helping others who are in places where I’ve been, too. If I can help someone else avoid any modicum of the heartache I’ve dealt with in my life, even if I never know about it, that makes me feel good.

I hope that anyone who opened my time capsule would see where my focus lies. I feel that as long as I have my mental health, I can get through anything. And when my mental health isn’t so good, I have resources and people to help pick me up and carry me through.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back, Issues Tagged With: , , , , ,

Cancer Sucks

February 10, 2012 By 7 Comments

We are waiting for blood test results to see whether or not Jack will start Phase 2 of his treatment on Monday. I got a notice in my email that his lab results were in but they haven’t posted his white blood cell counts yet, so I can’t see whether he is neutropenic or not. The waiting is hard!

We met with the oncologist yesterday (update on CaringBridge) to go over what Phase 2 of Jack’s Leukemia treatment entails. It was a LOT of information – 26 pages or so. To be handed a page FULL of side effects for each of 8 different medications…I wanted to throw up. One medication requires us to wear a mask and gloves while giving it to him. Another can cause heart damage and result in a lifelong restriction to lift no more than 50 lbs. Many of these disrupt learning ability (some temporarily, some long-term) and it sounded likely that special services at school will be needed for Jack later on…

And that’s when it hit me – why this is different from managing a chronic illness like diabetes. The medications Jack is getting to treat his disease are hurting him, as well. To treat the disease, we have to wreck  parts of his body and then give him more treatment to help with those things. It’s a fucked up cycle and every time I think about giving my child toxic chemicals, I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It’s all wrong.

So today it’s hitting  me anew how much I HATE CANCER!

I think part of what got me through Phase 1 was knowing it was short and that Jack wouldn’t be losing a bunch of weight and hair. His hair has started to go a bit, but Phases 2 will likely take it all. His chubby cheeks will go, too.

I dread it. I can’t stop thinking about my dad and watching the weight melt off of him when he was sick. I imagine Joe is going through something similar, as his father (Jack’s namesake) died of Melanoma. It’s hard not to feel like it’s especially unfair that we have to watch our son go through a disease that attacks his immune system after what we went through with our fathers. It feels like we are cursed or something.

(Jack’s blood test results were just updated – if my calculations are right, his ANC Is 770 and he is all set for starting treatment Monday. Yay…)

We will get through this. We will, we will, we will. But it’s so hard to walk around and participate in daily life when my heart hurts so much.

***

Today I donated to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to help my friend Beth reach her Team in Training Goal. Please help  me spread the word about this fundraiser. I’d love to see Leukemia wiped out.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Delayed Reactions

January 17, 2012 By 6 Comments

Jack’s out of the hospital. Thank goodness. Today he is at his first Cancer Clinic appointment getting an infusion of chemo. I’m looking forward to him coming home, and hope he isn’t too sick afterward.

I keep trying to tell myself the worst has past – that the prognosis is good, that so many cancer cells have already been zapped by the chemo, that the disease won’t progress. I know these things in my head. Still, my heart aches. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning, to eat, to do anything to take care of myself. When Jack isn’t here I don’t know what to do. What was life like before this diagnosis? What did I think about when cancer didn’t fill my every waking moment? What if Jack isn’t one of the 90% of kids cured?

I keep thinking about how all of this almost went undetected. I almost didn’t take Jack to the doctor. We almost didn’t opt for a blood test to “confirm” anemia. It would have been so easy to dismiss all of his symptoms as a combination of fighting off a cold and returning to school after a long break. It serves no purpose to think about these things but they are invading my mind nonetheless.

I am very much shell shocked. I got through the crisis period without completely freaking out, but I didn’t escape the freak-out – it’s just happening after the fact. My brain and body are not cooperating. I can’t think straight and I feel tired and/or sick to my stomach all the time. I started getting angry at the piles of boxes in our house – not that I don’t appreciate everyone’s thoughts and generosity but I just want to go BACK. I want to NOT need any of this stuff. I’d much rather have someone take this nightmare away. So when I look at the boxes and think about what they are for, I have this irrational anger…and then I get angry at myself. :P

I can keep myself busy some of the time. My friend Kurstan ventured out to Target with me this weekend and I bought storage for medical supplies and cleaning products. I came home and organized a bunch of the house, put away the laundry my friend Katie graciously washed while we were away, and started washing items we brought home from the hospital. I’m back to work this week, as well, but I’m having trouble focusing on the simplest of tasks. Maybe I need more coffee.

All of our friends and family (and even strangers!) are being so awesome and loving and kind to us. I really do appreciate it, despite this cloud over my head. I haven’t once felt alone since this all started – I feel a community of support behind our family. I just wish the occasion hadn’t arrived where we need this support…

Filed Under: Cancer, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Good Things

September 29, 2011 By 2 Comments

Cream of wheat (lumpy)

Pumpkin spice (in a latte or oatmeal)

Stomping on crunchy leaves in the fall

Raspberry or cherry almond (anything)

Lykke Li

Virgin America (and mini vacations)

The cool side of the pillow

Long sleeve cuffs that extend over my palms

Fleece hoodies

Caresses on the neck

The ability to keep certain thoughts and imaginings private

Wine

Migraine medication

Love

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Fundraising Event for Band Back Together

June 3, 2011 By 1 Comment

I have been volunteering some time to help Becky Harks, founder of Band Back Together, for a few months now.  Band Back Together (BB2G) is a group blog where anyone can write and contribute a story and receive support from a community of bloggers.  The site covers anything from mental health to parenting to self improvement in the “Bringing Back the Happy World Tour.”

Since it’s launch in August 2011 the site has quickly become a favorite on the web.  The site won a 2011 Bloggie Award for “Best Kept Secret” and is currently a front runner at Circle of Moms as a Top 25 Mental Wellness blog.

Becky announced this week that the site is aiming to go non-profit.  This requires a good deal of time, paperwork, and, yes, money.  Everything related to the site has come out of Becky’s pocket thus far; however, there are many folks who are volunteering time and have offered to donate to costs, as well.  In an effort to facilitate this process, I have decided to donate all of my Stampin’ Up! profits on June sales (my profits are 20% of product sales) to Band Back Together.

So, details:
Make a purchase through this website in June and I will donate my profits of every sale to Band Back Together.  No matter what you buy or how much you spend, I’ll send it to Becky to help with the non-profit effort.  Just leave me a comment or send me an email to let me know that you’d like the proceeds to go to BB2G (we’d like to thank you!).

I am so lucky to be able to be involved with Band Back Together and so very thankful for the site’s presence on the internet.  I hope you are, too!

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I am blogging for mental health

May 18, 2011 By 7 Comments

May is Mental Health Month and today in particular is Mental Health Blogging Day.  I am a longtime sufferer of mentalMental Health Blog Party Badge illness and an advocate for awareness and support through the community support website Band Back Together.

I think days like this are important to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles with mental health issues.  Whether you are a sufferer, a friend, a family member, or an acquaintance of someone with a mental health issue, you can educate yourself and others and help make the world a more compassionate and supportive place.

My name is Crystal and I deal with mental illness on a regular basis.

Sometimes I don’t act like ME because I suffer from chronic Depression (diagnosed at age 14), Anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (DES-NOS, specifically).  I attend weekly therapy and take medication to help me manage these issues.  I have difficulties managing my response to stressful situations and memories due to the way that my brain processes information/stimuli – multiple traumas throughout my life have impacted the way I view and experience the world around me.

Despite dealing with these issues for so much of my life, I can still live a normal life – I am not ‘crazy.’  I have a wonderful relationship with my husband and son.  I have a great job at a place I’ve worked for the past 3.5 years.  I have friends and hobbies and many of the same worries that others out there have.

Most days I am a very high functioning individual.  Sometimes I need to step back from my responsibilities a little bit and focus on taking extra care of myself.  There are those days when I can’t get out of bed – on those days I need help from my support network of family and friends.  I have fantastic people in my life who have helped me even when they don’t know it.

*****

I have heard various awful things said about those who suffer from mental illness over the years, even from people I love.  The stigma of mental illness still leads people to state that they wouldn’t vote for a politician who was known to have a mental disorder, or that those with a mental illness should not have children.  It’s disheartening to hear these things and I’m hopeful that as we speak out, the stigma will lift more and more.

If you or someone you know suffers from a mental illness, please take the time to educate yourself about the symptoms and effects on their life.  If you would like to reach out to a community for support please visit Band Back Together.

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Truthiness Day 26: Giving Up

November 2, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes, I’ve thought about giving up on life a lot over the nearly 30 years I’ve been alive.  I doubt there is a month that goes by when it hasn’t crossed my mind.  I’ve called the mental health help line.  I’ve been taken to the emergency room.  I’ve taken too many sleeping pills after an argument.  I’ve asked people to keep an eye on me because I didn’t trust myself.

Why?  I have Major Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have been on and off meds since the age of 14 (I’ve been on for the past two and a half years now).  I’ve had many instances of my mental illness flaring up.  Sometimes there seems to be no reason at all.  Sometimes there is a reason – like a miscarriage or painful memories from childhood that feel too overwhelming.

So yeah, I think about it.  But I also think about my family when I think about giving up.  I appeal to the part of myself that can’t help but take care of others.  I remind myself that giving up would be the opposite of taking care of Jack or David.  Sometimes I can’t care about myself, but I can *always* care about others and the people I care about are my lifeline.

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Truthiness Day 7: Mister Sunshine

October 14, 2010 By 1 Comment

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.  (sorry, bad grammar)

This one is so easy.  It’s Jack, of course.

Before Jack came along, I didn’t much care about proper living.  I’ve had Depression for as long as I can remember and I was never very motivated to take care of it – I didn’t care enough about myself to get the treatment I really needed.  I took anti-depressants on and off but those didn’t take care of my issues 100%.

When Jack came along, though, I HAD to take care of myself.  I didn’t want him to have a ghost of a mother.  I didn’t want him to learn my unhealthy thought patterns or be hurt by behaviors that I didn’t even notice I had.  I didn’t want him to grow up without a mother, either, and although I hate to say it, that was a possibility if I didn’t get treatment.

So right before he turned 2, I got serious and put myself back on antidepressants, enrolled in a Managing Your Depression course with Kaiser, started attending regular therapy, attended a 9 month long intensive outpatient therapy program, and have been maintaining my mental health ever since with weekly appointments with my therapist.  I’ve learned how to stay ahead of my depression for the most part.  When I do get depressed, I don’t beat myself up nearly as much as I used to, and I try to ride it out.  I know which parts of me are ME and which parts are the illness I’ve fought all my life.  Knowing those things has made a huge difference.

I love my life.  I love living.  Before Jack, I could not have said that.  Before Jack, the work wasn’t worth the return.

Image above by Sarahndipitea

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Truthiness Day 4: Forgiveness

October 11, 2010 By 1 Comment

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

(I have a problem with this “have to” business.  I don’t have to forgive anyone.  I prefer “like to.”)

There is still many things that happened during my split with Joe that I haven’t quite gotten over.  I got through that time the best way I knew how – by tucking in my chin, locking up my feelings, and focusing on all the tasks that needed to be completed.  It felt like everything was up to me – the living arrangements, the care of Jack, the financial obligations, the paperwork, the communication with family and friends.  It was overwhelming and shutting down emotionally was the only way to get through it.  Sometimes I didn’t keep my emotions under wraps – I cried in the bathroom at work, suffered from additional migraines from all of the stress, took anti-anxiety medication to ward off panic attacks.  Joe pretty  much went into a downward spiral, so I had little choice but to try to do damage control there so as to give Jack as much stability as possible.

According to some family and friends, I didn’t react as expected.  I seemed cold and unfeeling.  Because Joe was floundering, and I seemed to be getting by just fine, it appeared to some that I had planned everything.  It seemed like I was intentionally making things harder for Joe.  It was thought that perhaps I was happy about the whole situation.

It hurt me deeply.  I am a very sensitive person, although I mostly try to hide that so that I don’t get hurt.  Dealing with anger from Joe was expected, but I did not think that people who had become my family, people who knew about the problems in our marriage and had discussed separation with us even, would judge me or say that I hadn’t tried hard enough.

And I know – I know that Joe and I weren’t the only people involved in this and our separation affected more than just us.  Our family and friends had legitimate feelings about such a huge change and it was scary to them.  I want to be able to respect their feelings instead of feeling hurt by them.  I want to forgive them for caring about us so much that they were hurt by our actions and they hurt us back.

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