Getting Lost With Ghosts

April 26, 2012 By 6 Comments

I wish I had better things to say. I wish I could say I’m doing a great job of handling everything that is going on right now. I do have good days and bad days – the bad days are taken over by anxiety attacks and depression, while my good days are still filled with weariness and worry. I’ve been burying myself in television and books to escape err, cope.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I look at the calendar several times each day to remind myself what day of the week it is. I forget to drink my coffee. Most nights I skip dinner. Last night I ate peanut butter cups.

My house is a disaster. And it smells. My cats ran out of food last night but I got home too late to get to the pet store for more. They are surely pissed off today. I need to fix the flat tire on my car, too. Oh, and go grocery shopping…

I took a day off last week sometime. I stayed in bed all day. I knew I had to move my car or risk getting a ticket. I went back to sleep instead. When I woke up, I peeked out the window and saw a ticket on my car, but I still couldn’t find it in myself to care. The idea of getting a second ticket didn’t even push me out the door…not until I realized David would be upset about it (we’d JUST talked about our expired parking permits a few days prior).

Things are a little better when Jack is with me. It gets me out of my head, I suppose. When he’s not here, I think about his treatment. It’s a few weeks until he starts the phase with eight different meds…it’s been a while since he’s spent time with kids his age…he needs to go to the dentist…we need to draw blood on XYZ days…I need to take a day off for his next treatment…when will he lose his hair…how will he handle it…is he doing too much activity…when will he end up back in the hospital…

It’s only been three months since his diagnosis – how long can I do this? I’ve been trying to think of ways to destress. Obviously this all has lit a fire under my PTSD. Usually when I’m stressed I take a trip, get away…but now I’m terrified to be away from Jack. Every time I try to make plans I just think about all the uncertainty ahead and how I’d rather just sit on the couch watching movies with him and snuggling under a blanket. I need to be here in case something happens.

I’m mad at myself for feeling this way. Jack’s been doing great. There have been no set-backs. Side-effects are few. In so many ways he is a normal kid. There will be an end to all of this. The end is three years away, though, and there will likely never be an end to my worry…

I need to keep going. There is so much that needs doing. I just need to stop getting lost in all of it and leave my ghosts behind.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By 5 Comments

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Coping With Challenges

January 19, 2012 By 3 Comments

The coffee isn’t waking me up today. I’m unsure what to do about it.

This morning started off okay and then Jack got grumpy – he didn’t want to change his clothes. He cried while I changed him into a fresh set of pajamas (they still seem most comfortable right now with the soreness of the recent lumbar puncture). I held and hugged Jack and then he took his medicines and was happy again. I think when I left the house I took his bad mood with me, though.

Most of the time now I walk around feeling like I’m just on the verge of panic – like there is a tide rising and threatening to wash over me at any moment. I feel raw, as if my heart is on the outside of me and I’m waiting for it to be crushed. I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can’t get over the feeling that there isn’t more bad news coming.

I want to believe that Jack will not relapse. That we’ll be able to keep infections and colds at bay. That his treatment will continue to be like it is now with very few side effects. But the more I read on the subject, the more unlikely that all seems. What if his chromosomes come back abnormal at the end of the month? What if the chemo causes neurological problems or physical issues? What if that constant ache in his abdomen is more than just a symptom of the disease he is fighting?

I want to hide from it all. I probably won’t pick that book back up. This seems to be one of those unusual instances where I think I’d rather be ignorant. My ignorant thoughts were, for once, brighter than my informed ones, which doesn’t make much sense in our situation. This is the best cancer, right? The most treatable and curable? But where the FUCK did it come from?

I seem to also be stuck on the thought that I must have been a gigantic asshole in a past life. Holy hell, my life has been hard and it just doesn’t seem to stop! I felt like it was finally getting better – that things were on a more level path and I was letting go of so much angst. And really, I can see the progress I’ve made from therapy in how I’m handling all of this. I can see how much stronger I am and I can even appreciate that about myself. But life is dealing us a low blow now that it is smacking my kid around – the very person I’ve been desperate to protect these past 5+ years.

“I hate challenges,” Jack told me this morning. You and me both, kid! I’m tired of them. So very tired.

We’ll come out of this stronger; I know this. But I don’t want more strength – not if it means the shit is going to keep coming. I’ve had my share of shit and I’d like to pass on more.

Filed Under: Cancer, Cancer Mom, Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Kiddo Has A Bug

January 5, 2012 By 4 Comments

Jack has been sick on and off over the last week or so. We were both hit by a 24 hour stomach flu thing back on the 28th, but recovered pretty quickly. When he came home from his dad’s that Sunday, though, he was very low energy and that has continued with a bunch of other random symptoms. He left school early on Tuesday because he was pale and complaining of a stomach ache. He will be fine one moment and then complaining of some malady the next.

We were a little skeptical since his symptoms kept changing and moving around and he’s not crying and whining a bunch, but his temperature has spiked on and off. I have no idea what this illness is! So far his unpredictable and constantly changing symptoms include: low grade fever, stomach ache, headache, sore throat, leg pain (behind the knee), body aches, fatigue, and mood swings – but NO cough or runny nose. All very strange.

I spoke to the doctor this morning, who mentioned it could be the flu (but we were both questioning since there is no cough or runny nose) or possibly a staph infection (eek!). My google-fu also showed that the symptoms could fit Lyme Disease, but he’s never been bitten by a tick as far as we know. I don’t think I’ve ever had the flu (certainly not as an adult), so I’m not a good judge of that.

I’ll be taking him in to see the doc later this afternoon, but I’m unsure how that will go. Today the only complaint he’s had was a headache and upset stomach. He is still low energy, as well, but woke up without issue this morning and even though he laid down (on his own) to take a nap, he didn’t fall asleep. I’ll be taking a tired, headachey kid to the doctor and they’ll probably just tell me to get that kid some rest! (Which, he’s been home all week from school, minus that 3.5 hours on Tuesday.)

I worry because Jack is a pretty articulate kid and generally easy going. I wouldn’t put it past him to be suffering from something terrible and yet try to reassure me that it’s just a cold. :P

Filed Under: Illness Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Goodbye, Me Time

September 8, 2011 By 10 Comments

Frustration, baby – I has it.  I warn you, I’m feeling a low currently and this post isn’t going to be uplifting.  Perhaps it has something to do with listening to Jack hate on his homework for the last hour – is this what I have to look forward to for the next 12 academic years?  If so, I may need some more anti-depressants.

This whole Kindergarten routine has pushed us back into the days where Jack cannot seem to entertain himself for any amount of time.  Instead I am attending to him constantly – packing his lunch, picking out his clothes, making sure he gets time to watch his shows, urging him to get dressed, walking him to school, [going to work and taking care of others all day,] making sure he finishes his homework, playing with him, feeding him dinner, making sure he is bathed and brushes his teeth and reading books at bedtime and telling him to go to sleep 30 minutes later when he is still calling for me and and and…

By the time Jack goes to bed I am worn out.  Well, to be honest, when I get up in the morning I am worn out.  When I’m not corralling Jack in some direction or another, I am trying to keep my house from looking like an utter disaster or trying to give our animals some attention or squeezing in a shower or perhaps a little downtime with the husband…ya know, CATCHING UP.  I’ve returned to eating granola bars instead of real meals and started buying smoothie-type protein drinks again.

It’s like having a newborn again except it comes after a period of some autonomy for Jack.  You know, like when your kid has finally started sleeping through the night and you get used to it and then BAM, molars start coming in and he’s up every 30 minutes all night.

I would cry more about this but I don’t have the energy.

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Back to School Night

September 1, 2011 By Leave a Comment

I can hardly believe it but tomorrow completes Jack’s third week of kindergarten.  I’m still having a bit of trouble believing I have a kid in school…

Tonight was Back to School Night.  We visited Jack’s school, checked out his classroom and found out how the teacher was arranging the curriculum for the kids.  We got feedback that Jack is a unique thinker, smart, and quite the artist – all things we know, of course, but it’s good that he’s finally showing his teacher what he can do!  We got to meet the parents of Jack’s buddy Jason (who introduced himself by roaring like a dinosaur – 100% Jack’s style!) and we’re working on setting up a playdate for the kids.

The school transition has had its ups and downs.  In general this week has been better as far as getting to school and there have been a LOT less tears.  A couple of times we pretty much ran there because Jack was dragging his feet for one reason or another but we were not officially late.  Thank goodness!

It’s just been…I dunno – a transition.  I made a comment the other day that this reminds me of the newborn stage – every moment is focused on Jack and he is making noise CONSTANTLY unless he is sleeping or eating.  I guess he’s still figuring out how to settle down and get into the new routine.  We all are, really.  Coupled with a cold smacking me across the face this week and our dog getting ill and it made things even more challenging.

Homework is something we’re all still getting used to.  Four days a week Jack’s school folder has homework in it – a two sided piece of paper with a paragraph to read, some sentences to write, things to circle, letters to practice, and pictures to match with the letter.  What gets me is that Jack does this stuff on his magnedoodle all the time but as soon as it’s labeled homework he balks!  ”I don’t like homework” or “it’s too hard!” or “this is boring!”  I am hearing about how much he hates school more than how much he likes it…although now that P.E. has been introduced, he is pretty damned happy about going to school on Thursdays!  (Sidenote: the schools in SFUSD have to get grants to have physical education and nutrition programs!  Grants!!  And with the grant they get PE once a week…just, wow…)

It was surreal to be in the classroom tonight and talking to the teacher as an adult/parent rather than a kid/student.  My son’s artwork was hanging around the classroom and I sat down at a desk with his name on it.  My own school years just don’t seem that far behind me…

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The Littlest Sandbagger

August 18, 2011 By 6 Comments

My high school English teacher nicknamed me Sandbagger.  He was not very happy that one of his best students refused to move into AP English.  When I would complain about something (because I am a complainer), he would say, “If you don’t like it, move into the AP class, Sandbagger!”  He couldn’t understand WHY I didn’t want to go into the more advanced class.  I just rolled my teenager eyes at him and asked, “Uh, why would I want to do MORE work for the same education? What am I going to get out of it?”  He may have said something about college, but I was never much interested in that.  It probably didn’t help that I was dating a musician with dreams of becoming a rock star.

My sandbagging tendencies never got much better.  What can I say – I love to excel at being mediocre.  I would rather be busy working on a hundred things at once that I know I will get just right instead of doing just a couple things that will take forever and not turn out like I wanted.  I figure it’s some sort of odd combination of laziness, perfectionism, and a need to check things off my list every day.

So I guess the current situation with Jack in school shouldn’t surprise me much…

When I picked him up from school today, Jack’[s teacher mentioned to me that he is having trouble using scissors.  I told her maybe he is just getting used to using the “big kid” scissors at school – he’s been using the plastic scissors at daycare.  But then she said that Jack was holding the scissors pointed down and cutting toward the floor.  Uhhhhhh, what?  He certainly knows better than that.

Also?  He is writing his name starting with the k and working to the left.  Every time.  Oh, and when she asks him what a word says he just says he doesn’t know…

When I told her today that he can write many words just fine and READ, she was surprised.  Jack is tricking her!  For some reason he doesn’t want her to see that he knows these things already.

He is totally sandbagging.

I’m trying to re-examine my own drive for mediocrity in order to make some sense of what Jack is doing and try to encourage him to demonstrate his actual capabilities…yeah – no dice.  If I had the answer, perhaps I’d be a college grad by now or maybe I’d be making the near-six figures others in my field are making.

Until I figure it all out, I will just have to cross my fingers and hope Jack gets over this or some brilliant person is able to convince him he should show off his skillz more.

Any fellow sandbaggers out there have ideas?

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Filed Under: Parenting 101, School Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Day Three

August 17, 2011 By 1 Comment

Jack did great the first two days of kindergarten.  He mentioned feeling nervous both days but was excited, as well.  On day one he said he couldn’t wait to go back, and on day two he came home with a ‘happy note’ for being helpful during the day – he was pleased about that and liked that it had an alien in a spaceship on it.  He was in such a good mood (and likely also tired) last night that he took a bath without arguing and fell asleep within about 10 minutes of David saying goodnight.

Today is day three and it hasn’t started off so smoothly.  This could be my fault – I changed the morning routine up a bit.  We are in the middle of switching to satellite TV so he couldn’t watch his Ben 10 show while eating breakfast.  Jack usually gets dressed during the commercials, but since we were using netflix streaming, there weren’t any.  I had him get dressed before David put Spiderman on for him, and Jack made note of that change.

I also gave him something other than his normal yogurt & breakfast bar to eat – instead he got a bagel with cream cheese and an orange.  He freaked out halfway through eating the orange because he had torn one of the wedges in half by accident…a meltdown was narrowly avoided by me removing the “damaged” orange wedge and telling him not to worry about that piece and just eat the good pieces.  Whew.

He was pretty much fine walking to school.  He said he was a bit nervous when we saw the playground.  Then he couldn’t find the friend he made yesterday with whom he had allied after she complained of being bullied by the boys.  He was antsy standing in line with his class, and clingy when it was time to head into his classroom.  He broke down in tears as we got to the door and cried, “I don’t think I can do it!  I don’t think I like school!”  I tried to reassure him that it would get better, that soon he wouldn’t feel nervous when going to school anymore.  He didn’t seem convinced but after going through the kissing hand routine, he trudged into class.

My heart hurt for the little guy as I walked home and then headed to work.  I am trying not to dwell because I do believe that he will like it soon and that this is just the transition nerves…but of course I will worry about him today and will continue to worry until he does LIKE school (I mean, I could be wrong – maybe he won’t like it, as apparently his dad didn’t).  After all, he has a long road ahead of him and it’s going to be painful for both of us if he doesn’t like it.

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Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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Filed Under: Daycare, Growing Up, Photos Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

New Year Frenzy

January 25, 2011 By 1 Comment

A little more than 3 weeks into the new year and I’m already exhausted.  We adopted a dog from a rescue group right before the holidays:

Lambert has kept us pretty busy with walks and training and dog-proofing, which we fully expected.  What we didn’t expect was a skin infection right off the bat, followed by our next door neighbor deciding to take up a personal crusade to try to force us to get rid of our new dog – a dog who doesn’t bark or growl, who quickly and eagerly learned his name and basic commands, who climbs into our laps for love, and who whimpers because the cats won’t play with him.  How could anyone say that this dog is vicious (as it was called in to Animal Control)?  I don’t get it.  Neither did Animal Control…

We are lucky in that this is just one neighbor and everyone else who meets Lambert finds him to be a great dog.  Still, we have a lawyer just in case (said neighbor has threatened to sue) and there is a lot of activity surrounding this situation that we could have never anticipated.

In other news, Jack is doing great and is growing up too quickly for my liking.  He told me recently he wants to be mummified when he dies.  When I responded with, “Jack, I don’t really want to think about you dying and I hope it doesn’t happen for a very long time,” he told me, “But mom, everyone dies!”  I never thought I’d hear that from a 4 year old!

I still need to submit the application for Jack to attend Kindergarten in the fall.  I can hardly believe I have a child that age but there is no denying it!  We sat down recently and I wrote some words on his Magnedoodle and he could actually read them.  I suspect he can read even more than 3 letter words but he refuses to do anything of the sort in front of me.  He also dislikes to have his picture taken these days.  At least by me.  Maybe I am already embarrassing him…

I’ve attended a couple of baby showers this month for two long-time friends who are pregnant with their first babies.  It brought back a lot of memories and contemplation, especially with the addition of the puppy in our house.  I’m glad that I can be there for friends who are beginning the parenthood journey and share my experience so that maybe others can do it better.  I’m also hoping that if I do it again I’ll be able to keep in mind that I kind of know what I’m doing now.  That’s a good feeling.

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Filed Under: Babyman, Family, Growing Up, Photos Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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