Meeting My Future Husband

If you haven’t done it yet, check out my story about putting myself on Match.com. This will make more sense if you do. ūüôā

David was able to log into his old Match account today in order to find his dating profile. He emailed it to me this afternoon and I grinned like a damned fool while reading it. I have to say, he did a great job of describing what he is all about!

David gave me his permission to share it here (typos and all).

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I’m rewriting this for what seems to be the one millionth time (if only there were balloons and confetti, i’d be sure it was one million). All my female friends loved the last one but it seemed painfully cheesey (match says cheesey is spelled wrong but it also says “i’d” is spelled wrong so i’m going with my gut on this one).

While trying to figure out how to describe myself in a way to attract the women of Match, I realized that isn’t the course I want to take. I want to find one woman who wants to be with me (and i want to be with) and not a hundred women who want to be with the sanitized version of me that I write in a profile.

That said, I’m going to start with my most obvious flaws and let anyone who continues to read on find out the rest. First off, I’m a slacker. My room and desk are covered in clutter. I watch too much TV (couch potato doesn’t really fit as i do exercise a lot and i’m in pretty darned good shape). I hate “I Love Lucy” (seriously. i don’t get why people love that show). I have too much of a tendency to rebel against authority. I love t-shirts, jeans, sneakers, PBJs and cold cereal a bit too much for a 35 year old. I use parenthesis way too much.

Alright. Are you still with me? I have some good points too. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I never take myself seriously. I try to always consider others before myself. I’m fit. I love to socialize and meet new people. I have a really cute dog. I’m open minded. I recycle. I’m self conscious enough to realize that the “good” paragraph is longer than the “bad” paragraph but I’m also confident enough to not care. My t-shirts, jeans and sneakers are clean and semi-stylish (my PBJs and cold cereal have very little style). I’m honest, loyal, patient and an all around good guy.

I have 2200 characters left to tell you what I’m looking for but I won’t need that many. I want a woman who is self-confident, funny, fit and has a positive outlook on life. . She wears a pretty dress to the symphony but doesn’t mind getting dirty on a camping trip. She made it through the “bad” paragraph, appreciated the honesty and maybe even giggled a bit. To paraphrase a cheesey but wonderful quote from a cheesey but wonderful movie, she makes me want to be a better man. That was only about 600 characters but I think it says an awful lot.

I have 1500 characters to waste on whatever I want now but I think I’ll save them for emails and conversations with anyone who made it this far. Thanks for reading.

***

That profile was up for a few months before I found it – the dog he mentions had passed away by the time I met him. David’s profile was buried under a sea of other men aged 29-40 who all claimed to love the outdoors. I found it after searching through hundreds of profiles and coming up with two potential interests.

Two. I’m nothing if not particular.

Testing the waters, I sent a “wink” to both guys. The one who wasn’t David responded fairly quickly and asked, “So where does separation leave you?” And then he didn’t reply to my response.

That lack of response, along with some other self-doubt that surfaced, led me to hide my profile before I had even heard from David. But a few days later I got a message from David asking where my profile had gone. I happened to be on my computer at the time (Jack was with his dad), so I jumped into the chat program and there he was. And we talked and talked and talked via instant message for hours.

Then we talked again the next day. And the next. We started IMing each other every day. And we added in phone calls (just a few, as we both dislike the phone).

Clearly, we clicked. At some point I found out David worked down the street from me and we decided to have lunch together across the street from my office. Jokingly, I told a co-worker about it “just in case I didn’t come back.” She ended up sneaking over to the restaurant to spy on us and make sure I was okay. (What an awesome lady!)

The connection we’d made online was even stronger in person. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other and, bizarrely, my whole body shook the entire time (it wasn’t exactly that I was nervous; I had a very physical reaction to him that I can’t even explain). I was embarrassed but he thought it was funny (and teased me accordingly). I barely ate but we did talk a bunch more and then I surprised us both by hugging him goodbye. I am most definitely NOT a hugger and I had warned him about that but, holy hell, I became a hugger with David.

I’m pretty sure I agreed to marry him because he was hugging me at the time.

Or, you know, it could have been because I was head over heels in love with him. And you know what? Five years later, I still am. (Awwwww.)

By the way, these posts are not in any way sponsored by Match. It just happened to be the platform that we tried and it worked for us.

An End and a Beginning

In summer of 2008, just before our son’s second birthday, my husband and I split up after nine years of marriage. Our marriage had been over for a long time and we’d come close to splitting a number of times over the years, but for some unknown reason we just kept beating that horse until it was dust on the floor.

Finally, with a few months of therapy under my belt and a therapeutic dose of antidepressants in my system, I found my strength and independence to utter the words.

“I think we should split up,” I told him one day before work.

“Yeah, me, too.”

The decision was made in a ten-minute conversation. We would separate and see how things went from there.

Only a couple of weeks after that, I was living in my own apartment – for the first time on my own – with Jack and my two cats. And I loved it! The moment I set foot in my apartment I knew I’d made the right decision (and soon after, I knew divorce was absolutely the right choice). Naturally, it took some adjusting. It takes a while to unravel yourself from an eleven-year relationship, but I’d been emotionally preparing for the separation for years. Even when the adjustments were difficult, I found them easier to cope with than fighting for a long-dead marriage.

I talked to my friends every day and wrote my heart out both online and on paper. I wrote pages and pages about what hadn’t worked in my marriage and then I wrote more about what I really needed in my life. I asked for advice and guidance from my closest friends and they were more than happy to give it – even when it wasn’t pretty and even if I didn’t always heed that advice.

And then, after a few friends suggested I try dating since I never had before, I put my profile up on match.com. Writing a profile for a dating site may seem like an easy task, but I was in a very strange place in my life. I had ideas about what I was looking for but I had trouble putting them into words. Describing myself as an individual – outside of my marriage and being a parent – was quite a challenge. I really had to look at myself in new ways and figure out what made me who I am.

I rewrote my profile a bunch of times before coming up with what turned out to be the perfect thing. Even after that, I took it down completely in a moment of self-doubt, but I did end up putting it back up. And thank goodness I did because I met David and he changed my life.

This is the profile that landed me my perfect match.

***

I am always seeking out new points of view on life from others to test my own opinions. I like to examine the differences and similarities in all people. I love to bounce ideas and theories around. I am playful and not afraid of embarrassment, although I dislike being the center of attention. I am a no-nonsense type of girl who goes for what she wants and I’m passionate about the things that are important to me. Yes, sometimes I argue my point even if I suspect I’m wrong. I don’t give up easily!

I often get so enraptured with a subject that I will read everything I can get my hands on about it until I’m an expert. It’s typical of me to read all of the album lyrics and notes prior to listening to a new CD. I am a master googler. I love imdb and wikipedia.

I’ll know I have reached the ultimate in life when I acquire a maid and a cook. I like it when I can pay someone else to do things I don’t like to do; I feel like I’m helping the economy.

I am somewhat impulsive but I usually spend a lot of time planning. I’m contrary sometimes.

I can be reserved at first but if you’re shyer than I am, I might do something outrageous to get you talking. I’m honest to a fault and will answer any question. My answers will probably surprise you.

I hate to wonder if I’m missing out on something that has the potential to be awesome. I am independent and enjoy time alone, but also love the energy of a group gathering. At a party I’m likely to be found in the corner of a room observing interactions or engrossed in a conversation about the merits of various toothpaste flavors and consistencies (cinnamon gel is my favorite).

I’m not much of a cook but I bake fairly well and often. I’ll make you some peanut butter brownies if you prepare the main course. Or you can give me cooking lessons… Dining out most nights a week is perfectly acceptable, as well (as long as it’s not fast food).

I have an amazing 2 year old son who fascinates me with his passion and his unbridled sense of discovery. He is inspirational and brings out the kid in me. He makes me a better person every day.

I’m looking for a creative, funny, yet intense man. Someone who feels equally comfortable discussing the state of the world as he does chasing me around the house or taking care of a pesky spider (they have it in for me!). I want someone I can rely on and who takes the time to get to know what makes me tick. I will offer the same in return.

I’d like to take any new relationship slowly, although I suppose I may budge on the relationship if I meet the right person. After all, they say you find the one when you least expect it. I’ve never actually been on a real date, so this should be interesting!

for fun:
I love doing just about anything with another person – life is always more fun with friends. Board games, dining out, travel, BBQs, bocci ball… I like dancing around the house (but I’m a terrible dancer) and pondering the oddities in life.

my job:
I’m an executive assistant at a software company. I like the exposure I get to various types of work, the details about the inner workings of a company, and I learn new things all the time. The money isn’t bad, either.

my ethnicity:
I’m so pale I glow. I’m mostly German with a spattering of British and a little part of every other European country that ever existed, except Italian.

my religion:
I’m highly skeptical of organized religion. I focus on being the best human being I can be and don’t feel that I require a set of instructions in order to do that. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is great, though.

my education:
I could never decide what to major in (Sociology, Psychology, Art, Finance, English…so many choices, so little time) and the classroom is set at too slow a pace for me. I prefer to read a book and learn while doing.

favorite hot spots:
It is my goal to eat out at every restaurant in the bay area. Okay, I can skip the seafood but I’ll take everything else! I enjoy museums, aquariums, botanical gardens, coffee shops…the Bay Area is a great place for all of those.

favorite things:
I’m an indoors girl generally, but will venture outside for walks or a hike with the right company. I like to bowl. I’m currently having a lot of fun decorating my apartment (retro yeah!). Wine is tasty. I miss the 90s music scene but am adjusting.

last read:
Lately I’ve been reading any vampire book I can get my hands on (anything from I Am Legend to Twilight). Patricia McKillip is my favorite (fantasy) author. I write and read blogs. I eat up Augusten Burroughs. Click Clack Moo gets a lot of play, too.

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Hey, look! I’m participating in NaBloPoMo! You can, too!

The One

Excuse me while I get all mushy on you…

Rachel at SingleMomSeeking posted an article recently asking “How do you know if he is The One?”¬† This question is complex for everyone, I think, but for a single parent there is extra to worry about.¬† I didn’t know how (or even if) I would date after Joe and I split up, but some friends encouraged me to at least see what was out there after being with the same person for over a decade.¬† I was nervous about introducing anyone new to Jack, so I decided that I wouldn’t introduce a man to Jack until I knew the person would be a long-term fixture in our lives.

So, before venturing into the world of dating, I spent endless amounts of time thinking and scribbling in my journal, collecting pages of ideas about what type of person I wanted beside me.¬† I came up with what I called “The Walking Book,” and for those of you who like mushy stuff, here it is:

My mind says his name over and over even when I’m willing it to say something else.¬† Every little thought that flows through my head, I want to send to him, share with him, and hear his response.¬† It’s not enough that he hears what I say;¬†the important part to¬†me is what¬†he¬†is going to say in return.

I don’t totally understand the draw.¬† Sure, we have things in common and enjoy spending time together no matter what we are doing.¬† But there is something else,¬†something that causes me to¬†wonder what he is¬†doing at any given moment even though I know it’s probably something boring.¬† He tweaks things just enough to spark my interest, and he always manages to do it just right.

He teaches me and challenges me and talks a lot.  He has as many questions as answers.  He is a safe harbor during rough times, and just as intuitive as I am.

We don’t¬†prop eachother up, but we help eachother out.¬† It is almost effortless, while with others it would be exhausting.

He doesn’t look like the guys I would normally find attractive.¬†¬†He’s just as much¬†a contradiction as I am – a complete surprise on the inside.¬† He grows on me more and more, stronger as time goes by.

Trying to protect myself because I’m in so deep, I try to focus on the bad.¬† But there is always something to counteract the bad, like his sense of humor and his love of animals, his work ethic and his cooking ability.¬† He is there when it really matters and he always puts forth his full effort.

He is multi-faceted and interesting and for every little piece of me, there is some piece of¬†him that seems to fit.¬† Maybe it’s that he seems like an impossibility, that he is¬†a million people all crammed into one, and totally unassuming.¬† That in itself is intriguing.

When I’m with him, it feels like time is going at a different speed and¬†we’re inside our own little story.¬† And strangely, I remember more than I forget.

He is my favorite book: he has a fabulous cover, but¬†it doesn’t do the inside justice.¬† He always has something new to offer that I didn’t notice before.¬† The well-known parts of him are a comfort and the new things are exciting.¬† Maybe there are some things that could have been written differently, but ultimately¬†he’s a masterpiece and my appreciation is endless.

About 6 weeks after writing that, I went on my first date with David.

A year and a half later, I’m still amazed at how well that describes him and us together.¬† It feels like we’ve been together our whole lives. That’s the only way I can think to describe the level of comfort we have with one another. Meeting David was like finding a missing puzzle piece in the puzzle of my life.

On top of the strength of our relationship, David and Jack have developed a wonderful bond.¬† David took a lot of time to figure out what my parenting philosophies were, watch how I interact with my son, and learn what Jack was all about.¬† He sees the parts of Jack that are an extension of me but loves Jack as a unique little person, as well.¬† David is more than just a romantic partner and friend, he is also one of Jack’s parents.¬† Prior to meeting him, I never dared to hope that Jack and I would be that lucky.

Oh yes, he is The One.