The Looming Return to Work

I go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. Where did the time go?

I am freaking out, to be honest. It wasn’t like this with Jack. Back then, I couldn’t wait to go back to work. This time is so, so different. I want to stay home with my baby and watch him grow! I want to be able to pick Jack up from school and help him get his homework done!

I don’t want to spend 3 soul-crushing hours a day in a car commuting to a job where I take care of other people while I pay someone to take care of my kids.

This all makes the daycare search harder. I mean, aside from the fact that there are so few places in my area that take infants (which feels like silent judgment that I should be home with my baby), it’s difficult to find a provider I trust. If I’m going to outsource parenting to someone else, I want them to be AWESOME and better than me! I haven’t found that so far, though. I’ve found one place that is acceptable, but she has a tiny house and limited hours and only takes kids until they are 2 years old. And because she’s the only one taking care of the kids and there is a toddler and a 6-month-old, she wouldn’t be able to help Dez get to sleep – he would have to learn (quickly!) to fall asleep in a strange place by himself.

It doesn’t feel right.

I’m still searching. I know it’s down to the wire and so incredibly close to the holidays, but I’m doing my best to shove any rising anxiety to the back of my mind and continue about my business. This is how I’m getting through things (like yesterday’s nightmarish task of taking Jack to get his blood drawn – he is deathly afraid of needles and pain in general).

It’s not strength – it’s denial. LA LA LA EVERYTHING IS FINE. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

How about a cute baby picture to distract us?

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Kids Notes

I have had so little time to write. It sucks. I need to write. I am much happier when I have been writing.

That’s not to say that I haven’t been happy – I’ve been surprisingly free of baby blues and depression! But how long can I maintain good mental health without participating in something I know keeps me sane?

Anyhoo…here we go with a mad-dash post typed with one hand.

Notes on baby Dez

Dez is a very good baby thus far. Although he absolutely hates getting his diaper changed and wails every time. I think we owe our neighbors some wine for putting up with it. So far I’m not too sleep deprived, but I bet that will change when he wakes up to the world more. And when I go back to work (sob).

David gave Dez his first bottle last week. He took it just fine and then went back to nursing with no problems. Yay for Comotomo bottles!

I got my first smile out of the little guy yesterday when I stuck my tongue out at him. It was awesome! After 5 weeks of nothing but naps and nursing and diapers…finally some interaction!

I’ve been struggling with oversupply again. My body continues to think I should be feeding triplets. This means Dez is gaining weight like crazy and going through zillions of diapers. The cool part of oversupply is that I can pump 3.5 oz. in 5 minutes – on one side. There are lots of cons, though – green poop, gas, choking during letdown, more frequent nursing, so many diapers!!! I am managing better than last time since I know what I’m doing but it’s still frustrating. At least Dez is dealing with it much better than Jack did – maybe because it’s not quite as bad as last time.

At 9 days old, Desmond rolled from his tummy to his back…several times. And he has repeated that performance pretty much daily. He can also go from his back to his side…it’s only a matter of time before he can roll both ways. I fear the toddler years, which will likely come sooner than I would like!

It took a good 3 weeks for his umbilical stump to come off and the area still hasn’t healed so it will need to be treated with silver nitrite. The same thing happened with Jack. I don’t know what’s up with my kids’ belly buttons!

I’m slowly searching for a daycare provider to send Dez to when I return to work in December. It’s a stressful task, to say the least. I’m taking it slow so that I don’t go into a panic and decide to quit my job so that I don’t have to leave my precious baby with a stranger. I thought it’d be easier the second time around but nope! I hope we find a good one right off the bat so that we don’t have to go through everything we went through with finding good care for Jack.

Notes on Jack

Jack is a great big brother. He fetches all kinds of things for me and the baby and always tries to distract the baby during those torturous diaper changes. He’s been good at keeping himself busy when I can’t put the baby down. I’m so thankful we still have our reading and snuggle time together before he goes to sleep so that we can still connect.

He’s generally been in better health and made it to school most days this year. Just a bit over 5 months of treatment left!

We met with his new teacher and found out that he is behind where he should be for a third grader. The things the teacher has noticed are in line with what we’ve seen at home and are common learning problem areas for kids who’ve undergone chemotherapy. We asked his teacher to document anything she sees and we’re going to (again) seek an IEP evaluation – and this time we won’t back down. We’ll be in a better position to argue for the testing now that Jack has been going to school regularly and his teacher is actually noticing his difficulties.

He’s been struggling with his friendships at school. He is so upset when his best friend doesn’t want to play with him and says other kids don’t understand the imagination games he likes to play. I wish I knew how to help him. I had similar issues as a kid but I don’t remember being quite so upset by it. Jack is just so sensitive.

I’ve been very surprised that lately he’s talking more about cancer, too. He found a game in the app store that is all about destroying cancer cells and he loves it! He’s also been drawing blood cells and he found a plush cancer cell on amazon. It’s a little unnerving that he is suddenly so focused on it, but I also think it’s good that he is talking about it. Maybe therapy has helped?

 

Alright, I’d better post this before it self-destructs. More soon, I hope.

Getting My Ass Kicked

I’m completely sapped of energy.

I’m nauseous.

I’m dizzy.

I can’t breathe.

I’m having heart palpitations.

My brain is totally on the fritz.

After two years of slogging through Jack’s cancer treatment and enduring an exhaustion that I had thought could never be matched, let alone surpassed, I’m being brought to my knees by a fetus.

Yup, I’m pregnant. And thus far, it’s a pretty brutal pregnancy. The mere act of sweeping up leftover pine needles from our Christmas tree nearly caused me to pass out recently.

What.the.fuck!

I don’t know why it’s different this time around. Perhaps it’s due to my age – it’s been over eight years since I was this pregnant with Jack. Maybe it’s genetics – David is cantankerous and maybe his baby is, too! It could be that I have a lot on my plate already, and caring for Jack while trying to cope with pregnancy symptoms is dealing me an extra walloping. Maybe it’s all of those things combined.

In any case, I didn’t expect pregnancy to be so rough on me. I miscalculated. I wasn’t sick at all while pregnant with Jack – just hungry all the time and a little extra sleepy. My sister’s pregnancies with my niece and nephew were pretty easier on her, as well, so I figured I’d be the same. Alas, no.

When does my life ever go as planned?

Along the same vein – we had planned on waiting to tell Jack until I reached the second trimester but that plan went out the window when he broke out in tears one morning because he felt alone and ignored. I apologize profusely and told him that I was working on building a baby and it’s taking a lot out of me. His whole demeanor changed immediately. He found it a little strange to think of me as pregnant, but he also seemed to understand (probably from going through this with his step-mom) that this baby business is hard work. Since then he’s been rubbing my belly daily and telling me that we’re going to need a lot of stuff “if this baby thing works out.” He has also warned me that sometimes babies are annoying – they smack their lips while eating, for instance.

Jack is amazing. I couldn’t ask for a better sibling for this baby.

David, too, is amazing. He is doing EVERYTHING while I am tucked away in our bed. I have felt horribly guilty the whole time and he’s just like, pshaw, go back to bed and let me take care of my baby mama.

So, if the copious pregnancy symptoms are any indication and this baby thing does, indeed, work out, our new addition is expected August 29th.

Fingers crossed that the whole feeling like death thing doesn’t go on for the next seven months. In the mean time, I’ll be sucking down ginger ale, chewing on ginger candy, and stuffing my face with saltines. Maybe I’ll get to keep my girlish figure longer!

Too Many Things

Yesterday involved a lot of things. Too many things, which ended up overwhelming me.

These things included:

  • Cleaning up the bloody nose Jack had when he awoke. And then worrying if this was a sign of low platelets (it wasn’t).
  • Drawing blood to determine ANC (not related to the bloody nose) and running the vials to the lab.
  • Getting Jack out the door on time to make it to school (put your shoes on, take your meds, brush your teeth, do you need a jacket, don’t forget your backpack). It was dicey for a bit because he couldn’t put two words together and walked around like a drunk man.
  • Calling the vet to make an appointment for my cat who has a skin issue that just won’t go away, likely due to a thyroid problem.
  • Trying to remove the nail polish from Halloween and being left with blue-stained nails.
  • Calling the Department of Child Support Services to determine the status of my account, which has seen no activity since July. Apparently the DCSS has requested that the DMV suspend Jack’s dad’s driver’s license.
  • Notifying Jack’s dad and step-mom about the license suspension. In case they missed the memo. And worrying about the (almost for certain) blow-back that will likely occur.
  • Worrying about leaving the country (and Jack) in a couple of weeks.
  • Calling and leaving a message for Jack’s oncology case manager to ask about the results of the labs, which showed that the acidosis had gotten WORSE despite the changes in medication that happened two weeks ago. The case manager was not working today.
  • Contacting Jack’s pediatrician in an attempt to understand why Jack’s acidosis has gotten worse instead of better and find out next steps. Apparently the next step may be consulting with a nephrologist.
  • Letting the home tutor know we might not need him but, hey, it’s early in the week so ask us again in a day or two because Jack hasn’t made it to school more than two days in any given week over the last three months.
  • My day job, but from home.
  • Setting out the rest of Jack’s pills for the week and, then, ordering more.

That was all capped off by a full blown anxiety attack. ‘Cause this was all too much for one person to handle on any day and there will just be more tomorrow.

Just Write [108]: In Charge

He walked into the bedroom where I was laying alone in the dark, hiding. A mountain of wadded up tissue was on my nightstand and my phone was in my hand. New tears popped into my already puffy eyes, even though I’d already been crying for hours. How could I still have tears left?

“I know I’ve said this before, but you need to ask for help. You need to tell me what you need me to do.”

“I don’t want to be in charge of everything,” I mumbled. I was completely enveloped in self pity.

“You don’t have to be charge of everything,” he replied.

I thought ‘you’re wrong.’

You need to tell me what to do.

That right there means I’m in charge. I have to know what needs to be done and I have to delegate the things I can’t do.

I never wanted to manage another person. Long ago I recognized that counting on other people to do things in my stead is not something I excel at. My childhood didn’t prepare me for that – it prepared me to take care of things myself. And that continued beyond childhood – I’ve made my career as an administrative assistant – someone else’s right hand. I’m the one people depend on, not the other way around.

Of course, being a parent means I am managing someone, albeit in a different way. I am the ultimate authority in my house about what happens with my son. I chose that role and I accept it.

I am not the best boss, but I fulfill my commitment. I’ve helped my son learn and grow and even thrive (despite his illness and my own shortcomings).

But taking care of a special needs child demands more of me than I ever knew was possible. I am not looking to unload the responsibility or shirk my duty. It’s just that sometimes it is exhausting. Because regardless of how many parents Jack has, I am still in charge.

I am in charge because I know more about him and his medical condition than any of his other parents – by choice. I am in charge because the doctors look to me first for information. I am in charge because I have the job that supplies the insurance. I am in charge because I have primary custody – again, by choice.

I am in charge because, in so many instances, I am the ONLY person Jack lets be in charge of things related to him.

I make his doctor appointments. I sort his pills every week and refill his prescriptions. I call the clinic…over and over. I refresh the test results page and I calculate his ANC. I arrange for childcare or changes to his schedule with his dad and step-mom. I know which foods he eats and which he isn’t into anymore. I know when he’s breathing funny or he is on the brink of a meltdown. I’ve documented so much of his life – on paper and in my mind – and I am the default caregiver because of it.

I could ask for help with all of those things, but taking care of Jack is so ingrained in me that it doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help. Why would I? It’s MY JOB. I’m his mother.

No one can lighten that load – I can delegate every parenting-related task I have, and I will still feel the weight of each responsibility because I am in charge no matter what anyone says.

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This post was inspired by Heather’s Just Write – an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments.