Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By 5 Comments

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Stream of (barely) Consciousness

February 21, 2012 By 1 Comment

House craziness aside (because, let’s face it, it IS crazy that we are trying to buy a house right now) I’m super behind. I came home tonight determined to do laundry…but I haven’t started yet. I DID put some things in the laundry basket – including some items that we brought home from the hospital over a month ago. Like I said…behind. I won’t tell you about the sheets on our bed…

It’s not completely my fault. I mean, there’s the cancer to blame. And also the fact that our washing machine isn’t working properly. I could call our landlord, probably, but who has time for THAT? Also, have you MET our landlord? He’s as hands off as they come. The roof on our shed out back caved in long ago and we’re too afraid to go out there because of the mold, anyway. Oh and let’s not forget the (poorly patched [sorry, honey!]) hole in the ceiling of our kitchen nook…that must have happened 2 years ago now.

But I can’t just wait around, avoiding laundry until we move into our new house (right?). That’s at least a month away (if we get the house – right now I’m tearing through loads of paperwork looking for David’s tax return from 3 years ago…). I’ve been through all of my back-up clothing and Jack’s moved on from pants to shorts. I need to get my ass in gear. I need to use that washing machine regardless of the fact that the spin cycle doesn’t work!

Instead I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and writing…

Wanna hear something weird? (No? Oh well!) David had pretty much stopped looking for work to focus on Jack and school. And then a recruiter found him and he had his third interview today. AND then we heard that Joe has an interview this week – after a year of unemployment. So now we’re in a weird position. We were looking at dual unemployment as somewhat of a blessing because no one had to take family leave and miss out on half their income. And, really, this should have been a fine plan because the economy still sucks and there haven’t been job bites in ages. But then jobs just popped up out of nowhere!

When will this feeling of living in backward land go away? What alternate reality am I in that my son has cancer, we’re able to buy a HOUSE in the Bay Area on one income, and jobs fall out of the sky?

I’m pretty sure we’re going to see a zombie apocalypse soon.

If not, I’m just gonna put it out there – I could really use a new washing machine.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

All Grown Up and Nowhere to Hide

September 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

I keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out.  It’s been the same with talking.  David told me to talk the other night and I didn’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll begin here with what I said first then – I said one thing and everything else just flowed.

I hate our house.  It’s too small, too drafty, too difficult to keep organized, and kills my allergies.  We’d really, really like to move.  We are saving like crazy in the hopes that we can buy a house next year.  Meanwhile the market isn’t looking as promising as it was earlier this year (hopefully that’s just because it’s nearing the end of the year) and it feels like our savings plan could be derailed at any moment…which brings me to…

David’s job sucks.  His commute is an hour each way and the job is high stress.  Prior to Jack starting kindergarten, David had arranged to start working from home in the afternoons so that he could pick Jack up from school.  This hasn’t been the best arrangement, honestly, since a lot of David’s work is on the phone and Jack gets bored when David can’t play with him and doesn’t like to stay quiet.  But, well, we figured it was a temporary solution and there were a few changes that would be coming down the pipeline that would make it all easier.  Except then a change came that said that David couldn’t work from home anymore due to asshattery by others.  Arg!  (We are still in limbo waiting to see if this is negotiable.)

There is an option of an after school program for Jack.  That costs money, of course…and that would mean delays on house buying.  It also means Jack is in school for longer during the day when he already doesn’t care to be there.  (On the plus side, his homework would be done before we picked him up for the evening.)

We’ve thrown around some other options but nothing has really crystallized yet.  So we wait and hope that the working from home option is reinstated.

Meanwhile, we’re still in a bit of agony over this school maladjustment.  Jack’s been acting out more and his teacher always has some piece of criticism, it seems.  It finally dawned on me that it might be a cultural thing, as the school is pretty strictly focused on academics (Jack’s classroom has homework 4 nights a week, and the other classroom has it 5 nights a week; I know of another school in the district that sends home activity-based homework for the weekends only).  The teacher (maybe the school?) seems to have an attitude of “what skill can’t this kid do yet?” rather than “what skills can this kid build upon?”  I am not the only class mom to notice some worrisome behavior with regard to self-esteem in the kids.

While I do think that Jack will learn a lot at this school, I’m wondering if emotionally this is not a good fit for him.  He is a sensitive and emotional individual and that isn’t likely to change (i.e. see his parents).  On the other hand, maybe he’ll learn some coping skills that could be useful later?  (He has to learn them from someone other than me; I am notorious for my crappy coping skills.)  And, regardless of whether it’s a good fit or not, do we even have the option to be choosy?  It is public school, after all.  And, really, would private school be different and different enough to be worth it?

And that’s when I go back to wanting the house like NOW.  ‘Cause we’ll move out of this neighborhood almost certainly and he’ll move schools almost definitely.  We’d have some sort of indication of whether this is just what a kindergarten transition is going to be like for Jack or if it’s THIS kindergarten that is the issue.

So, we’re in a holding pattern on the school front as well as on the job front.  In addition to those two things…

I spoke to my mom last night.  She has been dealing with ongoing health issues (the medical mystery tour, if you will).  Some time ago, probably close to 10 years ago, it was discovered that my mom had a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.  She was given hormones to shrink the tumor and then sent on her merry way.  When other weird issues started cropping up, they were dismissed as peri-menopause symptoms; however, recent tests show she is a good distance away from menopause still at age 49.  Unfortunately, she is already showing signs of bone loss and she now has a CT scan on her pancreas and an MRI on her head this week to look for tumors.  Not to mention that she is going to have a hysterectomy as soon as she can because of complications from endometriosis (except she has to wait to see what’s up with her cortisol – she may have Addison’s Disease!).

Needless to say, I feel very much like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from all of life’s complications.  I am young, dammit, and I don’t want to be dealing with all of this shit.  I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle even one of these things at a time but all of them at once?  Ugh.

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Filed Under: Family, Growing Up, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Goodbye, Me Time

September 8, 2011 By 10 Comments

Frustration, baby – I has it.  I warn you, I’m feeling a low currently and this post isn’t going to be uplifting.  Perhaps it has something to do with listening to Jack hate on his homework for the last hour – is this what I have to look forward to for the next 12 academic years?  If so, I may need some more anti-depressants.

This whole Kindergarten routine has pushed us back into the days where Jack cannot seem to entertain himself for any amount of time.  Instead I am attending to him constantly – packing his lunch, picking out his clothes, making sure he gets time to watch his shows, urging him to get dressed, walking him to school, [going to work and taking care of others all day,] making sure he finishes his homework, playing with him, feeding him dinner, making sure he is bathed and brushes his teeth and reading books at bedtime and telling him to go to sleep 30 minutes later when he is still calling for me and and and…

By the time Jack goes to bed I am worn out.  Well, to be honest, when I get up in the morning I am worn out.  When I’m not corralling Jack in some direction or another, I am trying to keep my house from looking like an utter disaster or trying to give our animals some attention or squeezing in a shower or perhaps a little downtime with the husband…ya know, CATCHING UP.  I’ve returned to eating granola bars instead of real meals and started buying smoothie-type protein drinks again.

It’s like having a newborn again except it comes after a period of some autonomy for Jack.  You know, like when your kid has finally started sleeping through the night and you get used to it and then BAM, molars start coming in and he’s up every 30 minutes all night.

I would cry more about this but I don’t have the energy.

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Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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Parenting changed me at work

February 19, 2010 By 4 Comments

I’ve written about guilt with regard to being a parent, but I haven’t shared my thoughts on how guilty I feel about my work performance yet.  I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that becoming a parent has changed how I am as an employee and the fact that I’m not going to go back to how I was pre-kid.  It’s taken time but the standards I hold myself to at work have finally been adjusted (for the most part).

Pre-child, I thought of myself as an amazing employee.  I was completely dedicated to my job during the day, willing to work overtime in order to perfect a presentation the night before a Board meeting.  I strove for more opportunities to learn and grow professionally.  I was the dependable one in the office who was willing to lend a hand to any task.  I could squeeze 8 hours of work into 4 and volunteer for more!

I would still *love* to be that kind of employee, but I am not.  Sometimes I have to say no because I am carrying a virus that no one in my office wants.  Sometimes I am buried in work that should have been a cinch to complete because I missed half a day of work to care for my kid.  I forget things more often (mommy brain!) and there are days when I’m just too exhausted from waking in the middle of the night to comfort Jack after a nightmare to be effectively productive.  Worst of all, I know how the employee I used to be would judge the employee I am now.

I remember returning to work after maternity leave and struggling to focus on my job.  After being at home pregnant and then with a newborn for 10 weeks, completely off the work grid, I felt completely disconnected from my place of employment even though I was happy to return to work.  Becoming a mother changed my ability to focus on any task at hand.  Sleep deprivation put me on auto-pilot and Jack was (and still is) in my mind at all times.  I thought I could push thoughts of him out of the way during the day but…no.  It doesn’t work that way.  There is some invisible thread that is constantly seeking out the status of Jack’s well being.  Compared to that, things like filing and answering phone calls seemed trivial.  How could I could about busywork when I had an obligation to foster attachment with my child and encourage his brain development?  I felt like an awful mother and a terrible employee all at the same time.

Thankfully, I now work for a company where most of the employees are parents.  I have bosses who take off work to tour preschools and call into meetings from home so that their spouses can catch up on sleep after being up with a baby all night.  The company is thriving and growing revenue even in this crazy recession, which I think is a great endorsement for family-friendly companies.

There are many skills I’ve learned from being a parent that have made me a better employee, too.  I am better at maintaining civility in the face of stress at work.  I am more compassionate toward stressed out co-workers.  My ability to plan ahead for possible crises and manage the expectations of my peers and managers is improving every day.  I am learning how to manage my own stress level and work at a saner pace, too.

I still have lots of guilt over all the things I think I should be doing for my son, but I think I’m getting back to being reasonably proud of myself as an employee.  I mean, if I sucked they’d fire me instead of promoting me, right?

Filed Under: Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Drop-off Drama

October 7, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Jack has suddenly become super clingy during daycare drop-off.  This morning it took me roughly 20 minutes to extract my legs from the tangle of his limbs and get out the door.  I tried every trick I could think of:

Jack, will you do me a favor and close the door for mom?
Jack, I have a job for you.  I need your help!
Jack, your friends need you!  They want to play with you.
Jack, there’s a party today!  Don’t you want to have a party?  (this is true)
Jack, mama’s work is no fun.  There are no kids there.
Jack, G needs a hug.  Can you give her a hug so she isn’t sad?

The kid didn’t budge.  Finally I picked him bodily and stuck him inside the door and quickly closed it behind me.  I just about collapsed on the stairs, though.  Days like this break my heart because I feel like I am abandoning my kid.

I am not sure if this is a phase or what.  The reading I’ve done suggests that is the case.  I’m fine with that…but I’d like to find a way to make Jack feel more secure and get myself to work on time.  If it’s just a matter of waiting it out, then I hope this passes quickly.

Filed Under: Daycare Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Those Days

September 1, 2009 By Leave a Comment

It’s difficult having Jack only part of the week.  There are positives to counting on having time to myself every week, but it’s rare when you have a positive without negatives (in my experience). It’s particularly difficult during an insanely busy time at work (such as quarter end) when the analyst in me is called upon to look at numbers for hours upon hours for days until they start to blur together and talk to me.  I get home completely mentally exhausted and have nothing to offer anyone.  I often just want to cry because I don’t even know what to do with myself.

I hate those days when I have Jack and I can’t sit down and play with him because I’m too worn out.  I feel like I’m wasting the time I have with him.  On those days I look forward to later in the week when he goes to his dad’s and I can arrive home and zone out.  Then when he’s at his dad’s I wish he was home with me.  Ack.

When I’m totally exhausted, the best I can do is hug him and kiss him, tell him I love him, feed him dinner, and put on a DVD.  I guess I’m lucky that he is at an age where he’s happy to do that.  Last night, at least, I rallied for a bit and we went out to the backyard for about 10 minutes…in the dark.  :P   He got to pet the upstairs neighbor’s dogs and I got to switch laundry over to the dryer.  We watched the dogs play for a bit and then went inside and sat on the couch eating ice cream cones.  He grinned at me between licks.

After prepping for bed, reading stories, and turning out the light, Jack dropped off to sleep quickly and I went to bed feeling much lighter than I had before.  There may be nights when I can’t run around and play with him, but just that little bit that I could do last night seemed to be enough for both of us.

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Titles

June 2, 2009 By 7 Comments

I have a new title.  Not only am I a divorced, working, blogging mother but I am also now a student.  And, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve added on another job title at work, which means I’m working two jobs in my 40 hour work week.  I decided it was time to make some changes and, well, I tend to do these things all at once.  I’m impatient like that.

I’m getting my degree through the University of Phoenix.  They have a program that works for people who can’t afford to leave their jobs to go to school and have very little time to actually attend school in a classroom.  (Also, I detest the classroom.  I am terrible at following along with lectures.)  The program is entirely online and so far it’s working out pretty well for me.  The best part is that my employer will reimburse me for about 75% of the costs!

I haven’t taken any classes in about six years, so this is a bit of a transition for me.  Still, I’m settling in and so far school work is not interfering with my home life much other than making me a little extra tired.  I’m thankful that Jack is fairly low maintenance at this age (at least compared to the baby days) and generally allows me a decent night’s sleep, otherwise I doubt I could do this.  There is still some worry that I may be putting my own needs ahead of my son’s, but I also know that my education can have a very positive impact on Jack, as well.  I am hoping the good influence outweighs the small amount of time school takes away from my time with Jack.

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Not always sunshine and lollipops

April 17, 2009 By 2 Comments

Jack slept terribly last night perhaps due to nightmares?  It’s hard to say but he cried out in his sleep without actually waking up.  I stumbled to his room and lay down with him for a bit and he was fine.  Who knows, maybe he was just cold (he refuses to sleep with a blanket).

This morning, he woke up cranky as heck.  He yelled for me at the top of his lungs (getting louder the longer I took to drag myself out of bed).  When I went into his room, he told me he needed to snuggle and take a nap.  I told him it was time to get up and he started crying (well, more like whining as there were no real tears).  He walked over to his bedroom door and tried to shut it several times, slamming it against the frame because he neglected to turn the knob.  When I helped him out he was upset and made me open it again so he could do it.  Then he decided he DIDN’T want it closed – instead he wanted to look for his rocket in the dining room.  He cried that he didn’t want to stand in front of the heater to get warm when I huddled next to it and even went so far as to insist that I take my sweatshirt off (crying when I refused).  I was able to get a shirt and socks on him, but then he didn’t want to wear “that diaper” and would not wear shoes or sandals.  Furthermore, he got upset when my cell phone was referred to something other than a spaceship, did not and then DID want friendship bread, didn’t want to go outside or to daycare this morning, freaked about not having his cup of milk on the way to daycare and then asked over and over again where his friendship bread went (“Dude, you ate it!  It went into your belly!”)…this all in the span of about 45 minutes.

Needless to say, it’s days like this that make me insanely happy that I work.  Now if I just had a sleeping bag with me…

Filed Under: Babyman, Daycare, Sleep, Uncategorized, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , ,
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