Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By 5 Comments

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Stream of (barely) Consciousness

February 21, 2012 By 1 Comment

House craziness aside (because, let’s face it, it IS crazy that we are trying to buy a house right now) I’m super behind. I came home tonight determined to do laundry…but I haven’t started yet. I DID put some things in the laundry basket – including some items that we brought home from the hospital over a month ago. Like I said…behind. I won’t tell you about the sheets on our bed…

It’s not completely my fault. I mean, there’s the cancer to blame. And also the fact that our washing machine isn’t working properly. I could call our landlord, probably, but who has time for THAT? Also, have you MET our landlord? He’s as hands off as they come. The roof on our shed out back caved in long ago and we’re too afraid to go out there because of the mold, anyway. Oh and let’s not forget the (poorly patched [sorry, honey!]) hole in the ceiling of our kitchen nook…that must have happened 2 years ago now.

But I can’t just wait around, avoiding laundry until we move into our new house (right?). That’s at least a month away (if we get the house – right now I’m tearing through loads of paperwork looking for David’s tax return from 3 years ago…). I’ve been through all of my back-up clothing and Jack’s moved on from pants to shorts. I need to get my ass in gear. I need to use that washing machine regardless of the fact that the spin cycle doesn’t work!

Instead I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and writing…

Wanna hear something weird? (No? Oh well!) David had pretty much stopped looking for work to focus on Jack and school. And then a recruiter found him and he had his third interview today. AND then we heard that Joe has an interview this week – after a year of unemployment. So now we’re in a weird position. We were looking at dual unemployment as somewhat of a blessing because no one had to take family leave and miss out on half their income. And, really, this should have been a fine plan because the economy still sucks and there haven’t been job bites in ages. But then jobs just popped up out of nowhere!

When will this feeling of living in backward land go away? What alternate reality am I in that my son has cancer, we’re able to buy a HOUSE in the Bay Area on one income, and jobs fall out of the sky?

I’m pretty sure we’re going to see a zombie apocalypse soon.

If not, I’m just gonna put it out there – I could really use a new washing machine.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

All Grown Up and Nowhere to Hide

September 28, 2011 By 11 Comments

I keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out.  It’s been the same with talking.  David told me to talk the other night and I didn’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll begin here with what I said first then – I said one thing and everything else just flowed.

I hate our house.  It’s too small, too drafty, too difficult to keep organized, and kills my allergies.  We’d really, really like to move.  We are saving like crazy in the hopes that we can buy a house next year.  Meanwhile the market isn’t looking as promising as it was earlier this year (hopefully that’s just because it’s nearing the end of the year) and it feels like our savings plan could be derailed at any moment…which brings me to…

David’s job sucks.  His commute is an hour each way and the job is high stress.  Prior to Jack starting kindergarten, David had arranged to start working from home in the afternoons so that he could pick Jack up from school.  This hasn’t been the best arrangement, honestly, since a lot of David’s work is on the phone and Jack gets bored when David can’t play with him and doesn’t like to stay quiet.  But, well, we figured it was a temporary solution and there were a few changes that would be coming down the pipeline that would make it all easier.  Except then a change came that said that David couldn’t work from home anymore due to asshattery by others.  Arg!  (We are still in limbo waiting to see if this is negotiable.)

There is an option of an after school program for Jack.  That costs money, of course…and that would mean delays on house buying.  It also means Jack is in school for longer during the day when he already doesn’t care to be there.  (On the plus side, his homework would be done before we picked him up for the evening.)

We’ve thrown around some other options but nothing has really crystallized yet.  So we wait and hope that the working from home option is reinstated.

Meanwhile, we’re still in a bit of agony over this school maladjustment.  Jack’s been acting out more and his teacher always has some piece of criticism, it seems.  It finally dawned on me that it might be a cultural thing, as the school is pretty strictly focused on academics (Jack’s classroom has homework 4 nights a week, and the other classroom has it 5 nights a week; I know of another school in the district that sends home activity-based homework for the weekends only).  The teacher (maybe the school?) seems to have an attitude of “what skill can’t this kid do yet?” rather than “what skills can this kid build upon?”  I am not the only class mom to notice some worrisome behavior with regard to self-esteem in the kids.

While I do think that Jack will learn a lot at this school, I’m wondering if emotionally this is not a good fit for him.  He is a sensitive and emotional individual and that isn’t likely to change (i.e. see his parents).  On the other hand, maybe he’ll learn some coping skills that could be useful later?  (He has to learn them from someone other than me; I am notorious for my crappy coping skills.)  And, regardless of whether it’s a good fit or not, do we even have the option to be choosy?  It is public school, after all.  And, really, would private school be different and different enough to be worth it?

And that’s when I go back to wanting the house like NOW.  ‘Cause we’ll move out of this neighborhood almost certainly and he’ll move schools almost definitely.  We’d have some sort of indication of whether this is just what a kindergarten transition is going to be like for Jack or if it’s THIS kindergarten that is the issue.

So, we’re in a holding pattern on the school front as well as on the job front.  In addition to those two things…

I spoke to my mom last night.  She has been dealing with ongoing health issues (the medical mystery tour, if you will).  Some time ago, probably close to 10 years ago, it was discovered that my mom had a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.  She was given hormones to shrink the tumor and then sent on her merry way.  When other weird issues started cropping up, they were dismissed as peri-menopause symptoms; however, recent tests show she is a good distance away from menopause still at age 49.  Unfortunately, she is already showing signs of bone loss and she now has a CT scan on her pancreas and an MRI on her head this week to look for tumors.  Not to mention that she is going to have a hysterectomy as soon as she can because of complications from endometriosis (except she has to wait to see what’s up with her cortisol – she may have Addison’s Disease!).

Needless to say, I feel very much like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from all of life’s complications.  I am young, dammit, and I don’t want to be dealing with all of this shit.  I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle even one of these things at a time but all of them at once?  Ugh.

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Filed Under: Family, Growing Up, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By 2 Comments

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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Clashing Work Schedules

February 24, 2010 By 2 Comments

For those not in the know (because somehow I forgot to write about it before now) Jack’s dad recently took a new job that is an hour south of where he lives, which is about 1.5 hours south of where I live and Jack attends daycare.  The commute to the new job meant that he would no longer be able to participate in daycare pick up or drop off, Jack would be in daycare an extra day, and Joe’s time with Jack would be reduced to only his days off.  Since his days off were Saturday and Sunday, this also meant that Jack and I wouldn’t have weekends together until Joe’s seasonal position ends in June.  Needless to say, I was pretty bummed about that.  I’m pretty burned out after work most days of the week and don’t get a lot of quality time with Jack.

Luckily for all of us, Joe was able to rearrange his new work schedule so that he will be working Sunday through Thursday beginning in March.  We each get a weekend day with our kid to do fun stuff and we can keep Jack out of daycare an extra day (which is great for us moneywise in addition to allowing the munchkin to be with his parents that much more).  Good all around and a huge relief for me!

The only con is I won’t be able to get out of town for a weekend without the kid for a while (since Joe still won’t be able to take Jack to daycare), but that is not unusual for your typical parent anyway.  I can totally handle that.

Filed Under: Daycare, Divorce, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Grumble grumble grumble

March 10, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Daylight Savings must have been developed as a torture method for households with kids.  It’s really, really unfair that we have to go through this schedule shifting twice a year!  I can only imagine how daycares are coping.

Jack went to bed late (inevitably!) last night.  This morning I hid out in the second bathroom drinking coffee while Joe woke and dressed him.  Jack was extremely unhappy to be awake at such an early hour.  I felt terrible for hiding out while Joe did all the work, but we were all on a tight schedule this morning and if I had shown my face it would have meant a good 20 minutes of nursing.  Thank goodness I had that cup of coffee in my hands because otherwise I would have run into the other room to scoop Jack up in my arms to soothe and rock him.  Joe did a wonderful job, though.  It was nice to get the insight into how he went about the morning routine as if I were not there.  He was so sweet and sympathetic to our little boy and Jack was calm by the time they walked out the door.  That part felt good.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long week.  Somehow we have to figure out how to adjust to the time shift and get back in a routine.  I surely wouldn’t mind advice on how to go about that.  I hope you all are having an easier time of it!

Filed Under: Parenting 101, Sleep, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , ,

One of those mornings

February 28, 2008 By Leave a Comment

The last two nights Jack has slept pretty poorly, and then this morning was kind of a disaster.  Joe is working on the peninsula today and tomorrow, which means an early departure and the morning drop-off is left to me.  Last night Jack went to bed late and he didn’t take it well when I woke him up at 7:15 this morning (bedtime was close to 10pm last night!).  He cried, thrashed while I tried to dress him, and said “No!” over and over when I put his shoes on.  No way was I able to get a coat on him.  He did cheer up a bit when his monkey puppet (which he only took a liking to when Curious George came into his life) hugged and “hoo hoo ha ha’ed” at  him, so I was able to get him out of the door and down the hall to the elevator.

As I was waiting for the elevator that goes to the garage and holding Jack, I felt warmth spread against my hip and his jeans under my hand grew damp (apparently a Swaddlebees can’t hold a toddler’s first morning pee despite the hemp insert, either that or it was wicking which does not bear thinking!).  I quickly set him down so that his diaper didn’t leak all over my work clothes, but had no time to run back to the apartment to change him because I was on a tight schedule to catch my carpool.  Off to daycare we went, and I had to once again wrestle to get him out of the wet diaper and pants and into a fresh set, all while he was thrashing and crying because he knew I’d soon be leaving him.  I was completely shaken by the time I bolted out the door to get to the carpool meeting place because I freak when I can’t soothe my baby’s crying.  Thank goodness his daycare providers are so good with him and completely understanding of rough transitions!

Coincidentally, the carpool was running a tad late.  At least I got time to settle my nerves.

So yeah, it was one of those mornings…generally I try to let Jack wake up on his own and I allow plenty of time for nursing and breakfast because he tends to be in a better mood when those things occur prior to daycare drop-off.  None of that was happening this morning, though.  *sigh*

Filed Under: Babyman, Daycare, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , ,

Daycare transition

February 22, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Trasitioning to a new daycare is tough.  It doesn’t matter how great the daycare is.  In the early days it was easier but only because Jack couldn’t communicate and slept a lot more.  He nursed a lot after I picked him up but that was it.  These days, not only does he nurse more but he is extremely emotional and has to be in constant contact with Joe or me when we get home.

Last night we got nothing done.  Jack threw several tantrums when:

  • I put the stroller away when he wanted to climb on it
  • we made him lay still while I changed his diaper
  • I set him down because he wouldn’t stop wiggling on my lap
  • I tried to keep him in bed to go to sleep
  • Joe put his new markers (the magic kind that only color on special paper – thanks, Grandma Darla!) away because he was sucking on the tip

Those are the only ones I can remember but I am sure there were more.  Jack has this nasty habit of banging his head when he is tired or upset and he did it several times last night, leaving a red mark on his forehead.  In reading my child development book I learned that this is not uncommon and most head-bangers have increased sensitivity, musical ability, and even intelligence.  Weird!

We went to bed at 9 last night (although I tried to get Jack in bed multiple times before that because he was obviously exhausted).  Our apartment is a mess, we still haven’t unpacked, and we are dangerously close to running out of clean diapers but it sure felt good to go to sleep early.

So, the new daycare transition is going as well as can be expected.  The first day was rough, with Jack crying a bit and refusing to eat anything other than goldfish crackers, but the second day went much more smoothly with smiles and more eating.  The boy loves corn apparently (at home he only plays with it).  He managed to nap well both days so far, as well.

I’m really hoping that we can stay with this daycare for years.  This is Jack’s fifth daycare in 18 months and it surely has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have my fingers crossed that this is the last transition he has to make until preschool, at least.

Filed Under: Babyman, Daycare, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , ,

New Daycare Anxiety

February 20, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Jack started his new daycare today.  I left for work before he was even awake, and Joe dropped him off.  I have been guarding my cell phone all day in case something were to go wrong but it’s been silent.  I know I can call and check to see how he is doing, but I have always resisted doing that.  I think it’s my own peculiar way of staying focused on work at work (uh, blogging aside) so that I don’t miss him so much during the day.

I wish I were the one picking Jack up today!  I am dying to hear what/how he ate, whether he napped, and if he cried when Joe left.  I want to know that everything was just fine so that I can relax and stop worrying that maybe we’ll have to find another daycare!  There is no reason to think that this one won’t be great but we have been burned so many times that it’s hard not to worry.  I am counting down the time until I get home to see my little boy!

(Full update tomorrow on our trip.  It went very smoothly!)

Filed Under: Daycare, Working Mamahood Tagged With: ,

Settled

February 4, 2008 By Leave a Comment

Joe interviewed a daycare provider on Friday and called me (which is amazing in itself because he never calls me) at work to tell me how ecstatic he was.  He was downright bubbly!  He emphatically told the daycare YES with the caveat that I would also have to meet them and approve of the place.

The providers were kind enough to meet with us on Saturday afternoon and we spent a good hour there talking and touring the house.  I was very much at ease and the daycare provider answered most of my questions before I even asked them.  Jack did not hesitate to play with all of the toys and interacted with the providers and their son as if he had known them for years.

The location is fabulous – right down the street from our apartment and along my bus route.  The providers are a Brazilian couple who emigrated here twenty years ago.  They started the daycare so that they could stay home with their two sons who are now 9 and 3.  Portuguese and English are spoken in the home, so Jack will learn a little bit of a second language.  Not only is the food home-cooked and focused on vegetables and non-meat sources of protein, but a weekly menu is posted for the parents to see.  That may sound not sound like anything amazing but I am a person who craves details!

It is absolutely settled.  Jack has daycare!  I am so excited for him to get to know these wonderful people and be in their care.  He will love it because they are going to care for him just as we would.  That is all I ever wanted.

Filed Under: Daycare, Parenting 101, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , ,
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