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Slow and Steady

April 1, 2013 By

We’ve been doing a lot of prioritizing in Casa d’Ewok lately. Mainly we are doing the things we absolutely must do, along with some things that make us happy and that’s about it. We are trying to get rid of extra tasks so that we can focus on getting some of our sanity back.

It’s slow going. There are always things that are unpleasant and time-sensitive to do! And once I get started, I have a hard time stopping because I’m worried about losing momentum. But I’m getting a little better at it all the time.

This weekend we focused on resting when we could and trying to get our house in order. In the last six months, two dimmer switches have broken and one started buzzing, the handle on one of our toilets broke, the refrigerator door stopped closing properly, and our house has really started to look like the Tasmanian Devil lives there. So on Saturday David and I trekked over to OSH and stocked up on various home improvement items. Then I did some laundry and napped while David went about mowing the lawn and fixing the various broken things we’ve been patiently living with for months and months.

I learned that having a husband who can fix things is pretty goddamned awesome. And hot!

We also went over to our neighbor’s house for dinner and board games. It was great to socialize with people who live on our street and then stumble home on foot, tipsy but happy, and hit the hay before midnight! We love our neighborhood and neighbors!

David and I recently discussed the fact that more and more, we are becoming homebodies. 90% of our weekdays are now spent working, commuting, and caring for a child with chronic illness, so…the weekends mean a lot. We need that time together at home. This used to cause me a great deal of angst – I’m a terrible homemaker, yet I don’t like sitting at home on my ass, either. I’ve always needed to get out and do things and see people!

But now it’s different. I feel old and tired and in need of some very straightforward, repetitive, easy things. I don’t want to go anywhere or have obligations or spend money. I want to spend time with my husband and my son and I want to spend time with myself. I want to relax and live at my own pace.

So, I am doing that. And it feels good.

Filed Under: Domesticating, Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , 1 Comment

Crystal vs. Ice

January 16, 2013 By

I’ve been dealing with a nasty Vitamin D deficiency that has made me fairly useless. The major symptom I’m having is fatigue. I nap a LOT and simple things wear me out. It’s quite annoying. I’m on supplements now so hopefully I’ll get it all under control soon!

In the mean time, I’m spacey and an accident on Monday did me no favors in rectifying that. I’ve lived in California my whole life, mostly in the central valley where it has snowed maybe once in my life (and it didn’t stick). It did get frosty there and I remember warnings about black ice on the freeways, but I lived in a very flat area that saw little water due to drought and the fact that our sprinklers were totally broken anyway. So, while we had frost on our windshields, I never dealt with an icy walkway!

Now I live on a hill. Not only is there about a 30 degree upward slope from the sidewalk in front of our house to the back of our property, but the street slopes perpendicular to our property slope, as seen here (note: that is the previous owners’ RV. My car was parked in that spot.):

photo copyright google

Well, on Monday I was in a hurry to get to work so I stepped out of the house, not paying any attention to the ground beneath me, and headed to my car. Halfway down the walkway (see left-most yellow star), I slipped on a layer of ice and fell, skinning my knee and ripping my (favorite!) pants. I sat there for a few seconds to determine if the ankle twisted beneath me was broken (it wasn’t) and I went back inside to change out of my ruined pants before trying again.

I didn’t fair much better in Act 2. This time I decided to walk through the grass toward the driveway and avoid that patch of ice on the walkway! BUT…I got to the driveway and made it a few steps before my feet left the earth and I fell flat on my ass! The poor dog slid down the driveway, his legs and paws scrambling to find some traction, looking a lot like Bambi on ice. I grabbed his leash and hauled him up to me and got him in the car so he couldn’t go skating further away. He looked thoroughly confused!

Then, because I’m an absolute MORON, I figured I’d go pick up the water bottle I had dropped the FIRST time I fell. It had rolled down the gutter to the front our neighbor’s house. I tried to walk down the driveway behind my car, ever so gingerly, and that would be when I fell for the third time – this time hitting my right temple on the icy concrete.

WHY I thought I could walk on ice, I don’t know. I cannot explain my thought process at all! But I got into my car after that third fall and sat there, dazed, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do and whether I could even drive. I had fallen three times, but I was too cold to know if I’d hurt anything other than my rapidly swelling finger and throbbing head. I really needed to get to work (we had a big event that I was supposed to be there for), but I had just hit my head on concrete! Plus, my pants were a bit wet. I sat there contemplating and staring at my steering wheel.

The garage door opened then, as it was time for David to take Jack to school. He and Jack looked over at me curiously, then walked over to ask what was going on. I told him the whole story, explained my dilemma, and I don’t really remember what happened then but I went back inside to call the doctor and MomGyver a make-shift splint for my finger.

I also happened to check the weather report and found out there was a ‘hard frost advisory’ in effect for the area. Very helpful. :P

So later that day David drove me into the Minor Injury Clinic at Kaiser and I got an x-ray of my finger and a CT scan of my head. Thankfully (and kind of miraculously!), I had no broken bones and no bleeding in my brain. They splinted up my sprained finger, told me to stay home two days to recover from my mild concussion, and sent me on my way.

So that is my story of utter ridiculousness on a Monday morning and how I got my second concussion in the span of about a year. I’m going to have to start wearing a helmet when I leave the house. Please forgive me if I don’t finish sentences over the next few weeks, as I’m concussed!

By the way, if anyone knows where our sprinkler system timer is located, I’d be mighty grateful for the information!

Filed Under: Photos, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , 3 Comments

It Wasn’t All Bad

January 2, 2013 By

Despite the hardships we endured in 2012, there were some significantly good things that happened, as well. I DO recognize that and am very thankful. As much as things sucked last year, we were lucky in so many ways and it’s something I think about every day.

  • We had made a goal to buy a house in 2012 and we HUSTLED and totally did it. In less than six months we viewed over 60 houses, made 6 offers, and then we moved in June. We love our house and are very happy there. Our neighbors are wonderful, our location is convenient, and Jack’s school is fantastic!
  • Jack’s treatments have gone incredibly smoothly. Aside from his initial hospitalization when diagnosed in January, he didn’t have to spend another night in the hospital! He had no infections, only one fever (that was benign), and tolerated all of the medications very well. He didn’t even have to take many of the medications other patients take to manage side effects. We’ve had some blips with pill taking and adjusting to going back to school, but I can’t imagine any of it going MORE smoothly than it did.
  • David and I have gone through a lot in our four years together and this year was the hardest yet, but our marriage is better than ever. We’ve grown together, leaned on one another, and become a stronger unit. Our marriage has kept me grounded even when it felt like the world was coming apart around me.
  • We were gainfully employed. This has meant a lot, especially when the economy has been total crap. David was hired on at a great company this year, which was a HUGE relief after the last few employers he had. My own employer has been incredibly gracious and flexible with my schedule this year, which prevented a lot of stress. The health insurance is no small thing, either! I remember walking into the admitting office at Kaiser back in January and the admitting nurse commented, “Wow! You have GREAT insurance coverage!” She was right – our plan has covered probably 99% of cancer treatment costs. I wake up every day and think about how lucky I am to have a good job with health benefits. We would be destitute otherwise.
  • Friends and family were absolutely wonderful. I was amazed at the outpouring of support we received upon Jack’s diagnosis. EVERYONE we knew – and many people we didn’t know – wanted to help. Whether it was meals, supplies, toys to keep Jack busy, cards, care packages…it all left me in awe. Many days we sat and marveled at the goodness of people. We are so loved and never felt alone.

I’m still hoping that 2013 brings many great things (and fewer bad things), but I know I’ll feel lucky enough with what I already have.

Filed Under: Getting my groove back Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

Lessons Learned From Government Cheese

August 7, 2012 By

I grew up poor. For much of my early childhood we were at poverty level. My parents split when I was four, so my mother – age 22 at the time – was left with three young kids and a mortgage on a house she had borrowed money to get in the first place. She hadn’t graduated high school – instead she took the California high school equivalency exam – so she worked at a gas station where, on two separate occasions, she was robbed at gunpoint. After the second time she went to find a filing job with the county court system, where she eventually (when I was a teen) worked her way up to middle class wages.

Our family relied on my maternal grandmother for support, in spite of the fact that she was on disability and was only making it thanks to a man who couldn’t say no. My grandmother took this man for everything he had in order to care for us – his car, his money, his house. If it wasn’t for this man who was used, abused, and driven into bankruptcy, there is no way our family would have survived.

My grandmother was always very focused on money. She herself was born in Oklahoma at the tail end of the Great Depression; I can only guess her parents passed on their experiences from that time to her. My grandmother carried the idea that women didn’t get ahead by working – they had to use their bodies. In her mind, all actresses slept their way to the top. And she often said that she “should have married a rich old man” so that he’d die and leave her his money. One of my clearest memories is when I told my grandma I wanted to be an artist and she said, “Artists don’t make any money until after they’re dead.”

Pursuing a career in something you liked to do was a luxury that my family didn’t even acknowledge as being a possibility – unless, of course, it was obtained in some disreputable manner.

At my grandma’s co-opted house, floor to ceiling cabinets held more canned goods than we could eat. There were two refrigerators and a deep freezer. An extra pantry was added to the hallway and I remember gazing up at the shelves full of cereal boxes each morning. There were at least twenty boxes in there at a time – more than enough to feed three children under the age of five.

Our dinners came in tiny portions, of which included over-cooked meat (we couldn’t afford food poisoning!) and things from a can. I was a teenager before I learned that canned soup should have water or milk added to it; somewhere along the way my grandma must have internalized conservation of those precious liquids. On more than one occasion we used powdered milk with our cereal (which is more like milky water), and I never had a fresh vegetable unless I went to a friend’s house for dinner. My friend’s parents marveled at how much I ate when I visited – I was tiny, after all, and didn’t hit 100 lbs until I was a teen.

Some of our food came from public assistance. My family stood in line at a local church once a month for “government cheese,” a gigantic block of bright orange American cheese, along with a few other staples through a program subsidized by the government. I had subsidized lunches at school and the only baked things we got were the “end of life” goods on clearance at the Hostess bakery.

American cheese loaf

Even with all of this, I knew I had it pretty good – better than many (especially those kids in the Sally Struthers commercials). I had a house, even if I shared a room. I had clothes, even if they were bought on credit cards and my cheap shoes melted on the blacktop at school in the Sacramento heat. We had television (a second-hand working one on top of a dead one, naturally) and eventually we were able to get things like Nintendo, even if we weren’t early adopters. I’ve never been to Disneyland, but we had plenty of fun at our local Fairytale Town.

I focus on money a lot as an adult, in no small part due to my upbringing. The only money-related thing I’ve inherited is worry over finances. It eats me up when I owe money – financial stress takes me right back to my childhood and that desperate feeling of having to rely on others to get by.

I often have to remind myself that I have a great job, a two-income household, and a beautiful (yet affordable – for this area) home. I can pay my bills, even if it will take me longer than I’d like and I’ll have to pay interest. I can cancel cable if I need to, or offload a bunch of unnecessary stuff that I’ve got lying around. If I need money, I can easily get it. In fact, if it comes down to it – I know exactly what to do to survive on a tiny fraction of what I am surviving on now.

Still, that feeling of being right on the edge of disaster is ever near and less than comfortable. I can’t shake the lessons I learned from growing up poor.

Filed Under: About Me, Issues, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , 12 Comments

Where I’m Complainy

March 29, 2012 By

Jack is being a total pill lately. I’m not sure if he has been saving it all up for when things with his cancer treatment weren’t so intense or what but it sucks! Sometimes it’s a matter of snapping at us or demanding that we not say certain things (tonight it was “googly eyes”). Other times he won’t pick up after himself and defaults to “my legs hurt.” It makes it difficult to tell when he is really not feeling well and when he is just trying to get out of something!

This is weird territory for us. I know many of the medical professionals we’ve seen have mentioned to me that discipline should still be in Jack’s life but, oy. Who has energy for discipline on top of all the cancer stuff? And how do I even tell if he’s just being a little jerk or really not feeling well? One minute he’ll dash into his room and the next he is crawling on his knees to the bathroom.

Lord knows I’m not at my best, either. Fatigue has more than caught up with me, it seems. I’ve taken more than my fair share of naps lately. Hopefully I will ‘catch up’ soon.

I have one more complaint before closing out this sorry post. :P It’s become much harder to share the CaringBridge site with Jack’s dad. Aside from it seeming that he has more and more been using the site as his personal blog instead of Jack’s, having that much insight into what goes on when Jack’s at his house is driving me bonkers. I worry constantly that Jack does too much over there and Jack’s recent attitude problems haven’t helped relieve that fear…especially since Jack has been spending more time there since he’s not in school and David is back at work. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t entirely protect Jack from his dad’s shenanigans – I can only teach him how to speak up for himself – and becoming a stay-at-home mom is not the answer (although it sounds more appealing on the days when Jack isn’t being a jerk to me…).

Alright, there is my bitch session. Time to put the kiddo to bed!

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 5 Comments

Stream of (barely) Consciousness

February 21, 2012 By

House craziness aside (because, let’s face it, it IS crazy that we are trying to buy a house right now) I’m super behind. I came home tonight determined to do laundry…but I haven’t started yet. I DID put some things in the laundry basket – including some items that we brought home from the hospital over a month ago. Like I said…behind. I won’t tell you about the sheets on our bed…

It’s not completely my fault. I mean, there’s the cancer to blame. And also the fact that our washing machine isn’t working properly. I could call our landlord, probably, but who has time for THAT? Also, have you MET our landlord? He’s as hands off as they come. The roof on our shed out back caved in long ago and we’re too afraid to go out there because of the mold, anyway. Oh and let’s not forget the (poorly patched [sorry, honey!]) hole in the ceiling of our kitchen nook…that must have happened 2 years ago now.

But I can’t just wait around, avoiding laundry until we move into our new house (right?). That’s at least a month away (if we get the house – right now I’m tearing through loads of paperwork looking for David’s tax return from 3 years ago…). I’ve been through all of my back-up clothing and Jack’s moved on from pants to shorts. I need to get my ass in gear. I need to use that washing machine regardless of the fact that the spin cycle doesn’t work!

Instead I am sitting here drinking a glass of wine and writing…

Wanna hear something weird? (No? Oh well!) David had pretty much stopped looking for work to focus on Jack and school. And then a recruiter found him and he had his third interview today. AND then we heard that Joe has an interview this week – after a year of unemployment. So now we’re in a weird position. We were looking at dual unemployment as somewhat of a blessing because no one had to take family leave and miss out on half their income. And, really, this should have been a fine plan because the economy still sucks and there haven’t been job bites in ages. But then jobs just popped up out of nowhere!

When will this feeling of living in backward land go away? What alternate reality am I in that my son has cancer, we’re able to buy a HOUSE in the Bay Area on one income, and jobs fall out of the sky?

I’m pretty sure we’re going to see a zombie apocalypse soon.

If not, I’m just gonna put it out there – I could really use a new washing machine.

Filed Under: Cancer Mom, Domesticating, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

All Grown Up and Nowhere to Hide

September 28, 2011 By

I keep sitting down to write and nothing comes out.  It’s been the same with talking.  David told me to talk the other night and I didn’t know where to begin.  I guess I’ll begin here with what I said first then – I said one thing and everything else just flowed.

I hate our house.  It’s too small, too drafty, too difficult to keep organized, and kills my allergies.  We’d really, really like to move.  We are saving like crazy in the hopes that we can buy a house next year.  Meanwhile the market isn’t looking as promising as it was earlier this year (hopefully that’s just because it’s nearing the end of the year) and it feels like our savings plan could be derailed at any moment…which brings me to…

David’s job sucks.  His commute is an hour each way and the job is high stress.  Prior to Jack starting kindergarten, David had arranged to start working from home in the afternoons so that he could pick Jack up from school.  This hasn’t been the best arrangement, honestly, since a lot of David’s work is on the phone and Jack gets bored when David can’t play with him and doesn’t like to stay quiet.  But, well, we figured it was a temporary solution and there were a few changes that would be coming down the pipeline that would make it all easier.  Except then a change came that said that David couldn’t work from home anymore due to asshattery by others.  Arg!  (We are still in limbo waiting to see if this is negotiable.)

There is an option of an after school program for Jack.  That costs money, of course…and that would mean delays on house buying.  It also means Jack is in school for longer during the day when he already doesn’t care to be there.  (On the plus side, his homework would be done before we picked him up for the evening.)

We’ve thrown around some other options but nothing has really crystallized yet.  So we wait and hope that the working from home option is reinstated.

Meanwhile, we’re still in a bit of agony over this school maladjustment.  Jack’s been acting out more and his teacher always has some piece of criticism, it seems.  It finally dawned on me that it might be a cultural thing, as the school is pretty strictly focused on academics (Jack’s classroom has homework 4 nights a week, and the other classroom has it 5 nights a week; I know of another school in the district that sends home activity-based homework for the weekends only).  The teacher (maybe the school?) seems to have an attitude of “what skill can’t this kid do yet?” rather than “what skills can this kid build upon?”  I am not the only class mom to notice some worrisome behavior with regard to self-esteem in the kids.

While I do think that Jack will learn a lot at this school, I’m wondering if emotionally this is not a good fit for him.  He is a sensitive and emotional individual and that isn’t likely to change (i.e. see his parents).  On the other hand, maybe he’ll learn some coping skills that could be useful later?  (He has to learn them from someone other than me; I am notorious for my crappy coping skills.)  And, regardless of whether it’s a good fit or not, do we even have the option to be choosy?  It is public school, after all.  And, really, would private school be different and different enough to be worth it?

And that’s when I go back to wanting the house like NOW.  ‘Cause we’ll move out of this neighborhood almost certainly and he’ll move schools almost definitely.  We’d have some sort of indication of whether this is just what a kindergarten transition is going to be like for Jack or if it’s THIS kindergarten that is the issue.

So, we’re in a holding pattern on the school front as well as on the job front.  In addition to those two things…

I spoke to my mom last night.  She has been dealing with ongoing health issues (the medical mystery tour, if you will).  Some time ago, probably close to 10 years ago, it was discovered that my mom had a benign tumor on her pituitary gland.  She was given hormones to shrink the tumor and then sent on her merry way.  When other weird issues started cropping up, they were dismissed as peri-menopause symptoms; however, recent tests show she is a good distance away from menopause still at age 49.  Unfortunately, she is already showing signs of bone loss and she now has a CT scan on her pancreas and an MRI on her head this week to look for tumors.  Not to mention that she is going to have a hysterectomy as soon as she can because of complications from endometriosis (except she has to wait to see what’s up with her cortisol – she may have Addison’s Disease!).

Needless to say, I feel very much like I want to crawl into a hole and hide from all of life’s complications.  I am young, dammit, and I don’t want to be dealing with all of this shit.  I feel overwhelmed and ill equipped to handle even one of these things at a time but all of them at once?  Ugh.

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Filed Under: Family, Growing Up, Parenting 101 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , 11 Comments

Letting Go

August 11, 2011 By

Today is Jack’s last day in daycare.  He’s been with G for over two years (a miracle when you think back to all the daycare dramas early on in his life) and made some awesome little friends there.  G’s house is basically Jack’s third house – there were many weeks there where he spent just as much time there as he did at my house or his dad’s.  G feeds him and teaches him and celebrates his victories and birthdays.  Jack was potty trained there before he was at home!

In the last 2+ years, G has taken only ONE unscheduled day off – for Jury Duty.  One day, you guys!  She is simply amazing.

I’m having a hard time walking away from this lady.  She is one of the most reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and caring people I have ever known – it has been a BLESSING to be able to put Jack in her care.

I don’t think it’s hit Jack yet.  He knows today is his last day and that he’ll have a goodbye party, but all he could say was that he was hoping for presents.  :P   We tried to tell him this isn’t the kind of thing you get presents for.  In any case, he starts school Monday and I’m guessing somewhere in that week he’ll really start to miss G.  I know I will!

I had a difficult time coming up with a gift that conveyed how much we love G.  What we ended up with was this poem made into an artful poster by Etsy artist MySoulShines and matted/framed:

They Will Remember

by Eileen Koscho

I take care of your children.
I love them.
I teach them.
I clean them, and I feed them.
And when nighttime comes,
my heart worries about them
I take care of your children.
I see their first steps.
I hear their first words.
I share their happiness, and
I feel their hurts.
I take care of your children,
as if they were my own.
And when they are grown, and
no longer need me,
My love will be a part of them
deep within the heart of them.
They will know that I was there for them unconditionally.
And they will remember!

 

This morning it occurred to me that I should have had a coffee mug or something made with Jack’s artwork to give to her.  Dang it!  Maybe I’ll ship that to her…

Here is a picture of G with Jack on his birthday (she is so cool – she got him the alien space ship Legos):

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Filed Under: Daycare, Growing Up, Photos Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Clashing Work Schedules

February 24, 2010 By

For those not in the know (because somehow I forgot to write about it before now) Jack’s dad recently took a new job that is an hour south of where he lives, which is about 1.5 hours south of where I live and Jack attends daycare.  The commute to the new job meant that he would no longer be able to participate in daycare pick up or drop off, Jack would be in daycare an extra day, and Joe’s time with Jack would be reduced to only his days off.  Since his days off were Saturday and Sunday, this also meant that Jack and I wouldn’t have weekends together until Joe’s seasonal position ends in June.  Needless to say, I was pretty bummed about that.  I’m pretty burned out after work most days of the week and don’t get a lot of quality time with Jack.

Luckily for all of us, Joe was able to rearrange his new work schedule so that he will be working Sunday through Thursday beginning in March.  We each get a weekend day with our kid to do fun stuff and we can keep Jack out of daycare an extra day (which is great for us moneywise in addition to allowing the munchkin to be with his parents that much more).  Good all around and a huge relief for me!

The only con is I won’t be able to get out of town for a weekend without the kid for a while (since Joe still won’t be able to take Jack to daycare), but that is not unusual for your typical parent anyway.  I can totally handle that.

Filed Under: Daycare, Divorce, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , , , , 2 Comments

Grumble grumble grumble

March 10, 2008 By

Daylight Savings must have been developed as a torture method for households with kids.  It’s really, really unfair that we have to go through this schedule shifting twice a year!  I can only imagine how daycares are coping.

Jack went to bed late (inevitably!) last night.  This morning I hid out in the second bathroom drinking coffee while Joe woke and dressed him.  Jack was extremely unhappy to be awake at such an early hour.  I felt terrible for hiding out while Joe did all the work, but we were all on a tight schedule this morning and if I had shown my face it would have meant a good 20 minutes of nursing.  Thank goodness I had that cup of coffee in my hands because otherwise I would have run into the other room to scoop Jack up in my arms to soothe and rock him.  Joe did a wonderful job, though.  It was nice to get the insight into how he went about the morning routine as if I were not there.  He was so sweet and sympathetic to our little boy and Jack was calm by the time they walked out the door.  That part felt good.

I have a feeling it’s going to be a long week.  Somehow we have to figure out how to adjust to the time shift and get back in a routine.  I surely wouldn’t mind advice on how to go about that.  I hope you all are having an easier time of it!

Filed Under: Parenting 101, Sleep, Working Mamahood Tagged With: , , , , Leave a Comment
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