The Looming Return to Work

I go back to work in two weeks. TWO WEEKS. Where did the time go?

I am freaking out, to be honest. It wasn’t like this with Jack. Back then, I couldn’t wait to go back to work. This time is so, so different. I want to stay home with my baby and watch him grow! I want to be able to pick Jack up from school and help him get his homework done!

I don’t want to spend 3 soul-crushing hours a day in a car commuting to a job where I take care of other people while I pay someone to take care of my kids.

This all makes the daycare search harder. I mean, aside from the fact that there are so few places in my area that take infants (which feels like silent judgment that I should be home with my baby), it’s difficult to find a provider I trust. If I’m going to outsource parenting to someone else, I want them to be AWESOME and better than me! I haven’t found that so far, though. I’ve found one place that is acceptable, but she has a tiny house and limited hours and only takes kids until they are 2 years old. And because she’s the only one taking care of the kids and there is a toddler and a 6-month-old, she wouldn’t be able to help Dez get to sleep – he would have to learn (quickly!) to fall asleep in a strange place by himself.

It doesn’t feel right.

I’m still searching. I know it’s down to the wire and so incredibly close to the holidays, but I’m doing my best to shove any rising anxiety to the back of my mind and continue about my business. This is how I’m getting through things (like yesterday’s nightmarish task of taking Jack to get his blood drawn – he is deathly afraid of needles and pain in general).

It’s not strength – it’s denial. LA LA LA EVERYTHING IS FINE. JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

How about a cute baby picture to distract us?

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Kids Notes

I have had so little time to write. It sucks. I need to write. I am much happier when I have been writing.

That’s not to say that I haven’t been happy – I’ve been surprisingly free of baby blues and depression! But how long can I maintain good mental health without participating in something I know keeps me sane?

Anyhoo…here we go with a mad-dash post typed with one hand.

Notes on baby Dez

Dez is a very good baby thus far. Although he absolutely hates getting his diaper changed and wails every time. I think we owe our neighbors some wine for putting up with it. So far I’m not too sleep deprived, but I bet that will change when he wakes up to the world more. And when I go back to work (sob).

David gave Dez his first bottle last week. He took it just fine and then went back to nursing with no problems. Yay for Comotomo bottles!

I got my first smile out of the little guy yesterday when I stuck my tongue out at him. It was awesome! After 5 weeks of nothing but naps and nursing and diapers…finally some interaction!

I’ve been struggling with oversupply again. My body continues to think I should be feeding triplets. This means Dez is gaining weight like crazy and going through zillions of diapers. The cool part of oversupply is that I can pump 3.5 oz. in 5 minutes – on one side. There are lots of cons, though – green poop, gas, choking during letdown, more frequent nursing, so many diapers!!! I am managing better than last time since I know what I’m doing but it’s still frustrating. At least Dez is dealing with it much better than Jack did – maybe because it’s not quite as bad as last time.

At 9 days old, Desmond rolled from his tummy to his back…several times. And he has repeated that performance pretty much daily. He can also go from his back to his side…it’s only a matter of time before he can roll both ways. I fear the toddler years, which will likely come sooner than I would like!

It took a good 3 weeks for his umbilical stump to come off and the area still hasn’t healed so it will need to be treated with silver nitrite. The same thing happened with Jack. I don’t know what’s up with my kids’ belly buttons!

I’m slowly searching for a daycare provider to send Dez to when I return to work in December. It’s a stressful task, to say the least. I’m taking it slow so that I don’t go into a panic and decide to quit my job so that I don’t have to leave my precious baby with a stranger. I thought it’d be easier the second time around but nope! I hope we find a good one right off the bat so that we don’t have to go through everything we went through with finding good care for Jack.

Notes on Jack

Jack is a great big brother. He fetches all kinds of things for me and the baby and always tries to distract the baby during those torturous diaper changes. He’s been good at keeping himself busy when I can’t put the baby down. I’m so thankful we still have our reading and snuggle time together before he goes to sleep so that we can still connect.

He’s generally been in better health and made it to school most days this year. Just a bit over 5 months of treatment left!

We met with his new teacher and found out that he is behind where he should be for a third grader. The things the teacher has noticed are in line with what we’ve seen at home and are common learning problem areas for kids who’ve undergone chemotherapy. We asked his teacher to document anything she sees and we’re going to (again) seek an IEP evaluation – and this time we won’t back down. We’ll be in a better position to argue for the testing now that Jack has been going to school regularly and his teacher is actually noticing his difficulties.

He’s been struggling with his friendships at school. He is so upset when his best friend doesn’t want to play with him and says other kids don’t understand the imagination games he likes to play. I wish I knew how to help him. I had similar issues as a kid but I don’t remember being quite so upset by it. Jack is just so sensitive.

I’ve been very surprised that lately he’s talking more about cancer, too. He found a game in the app store that is all about destroying cancer cells and he loves it! He’s also been drawing blood cells and he found a plush cancer cell on amazon. It’s a little unnerving that he is suddenly so focused on it, but I also think it’s good that he is talking about it. Maybe therapy has helped?

 

Alright, I’d better post this before it self-destructs. More soon, I hope.

Hasta Luego

In less than three weeks, David and I are taking Jack to school, boarding our dog, and jumping onto a plane headed for Madrid, Spain.

No, we can’t afford it. It will increase the already sizable amount of credit card debt we carry. But we are going anyway.

Jack will spend Thanksgiving week with his dad (who gets holidays on odd years) and my employer has issued an office-wide mandatory vacation for that week. So I have a week where I can’t work if I wanted to and I won’t have my kid. A whole week!

And lord knows we need a vacation! David and I haven’t had a true vacation together since our honeymoon three years ago. We are lucky if we get to spend an hour together each night, and usually that time is spent talking about Jack’s health. We are tired and depressed and even though we see each other daily, we miss one another.

So yeah, we’re leaving the country and getting as far away from our day-to-day troubles as we can. We are going to dedicate that week to taking care of ourselves and renewing our relationship. It’s all about us! We can wake up when we want to and go wherever our mood dictates.

I am excited and so very hopeful. I hope that the radical change in location will help us set aside our daily stresses and replace it with awe over a different country and culture. I hope we can stop talking about Jack’s health for a while and instead talk more about how fortunate we are to have this wonderful family. I hope we can reconnect and enjoy our love. Maybe we can even plan for the future.

Mostly, I hope we will come back feeling refreshed and energized and better able to handle the challenges that come at us constantly.Jack has a year and a half of treatment left. Hopefully this break will fortify us enough to make it through.

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Hey, look! I’m participating in NaBloPoMo! You can, too!

Just Write: He’s Okay…Mostly, I Think

“How’s Jack doing?”

I’ve been asked this question at least five times so far today. Each time I give the same answer in the same way, “Yeah…well, eh, mostly. He will be okay, I think. He’s just not feeling well after chemo yesterday.”

He was doing just fine last night. In fact, he was very energetic and LOUD, humming or squawking while playing with his Legos. It was overwhelming to me, as I’d just come home from my trip to Type A in Atlanta. I wanted quiet.

This morning, though, it was too quiet. Jack crawled on the floor from his bedroom to the living room. He laid down on the couch while eating breakfast and I covered him with a blanket while pushing play on iTunes so he could listen to The Postal Service at low volume. He ate his waffle slowly, and afterward he leaned on me to get to the bathroom to halfheartedly brush his teeth. Then I picked him up and carried him back out to the couch.

He talked in hushed tones and complained of stomach pain. I smoothed his hair away from his face as I took his temperature – 98.0 degrees. I asked if he wanted to try to go to school for a bit and see if he felt better. His big brown eyes squinted up at me and he said, “I just don’t have any energy, Mom.”

“Okay, honey. I’ll tell David to come home from work. You just rest,” I replied.

I looked at our finances while I waited for David to come home from work. I wondered if we could somehow make it work on one salary so that I could stay home full time with Jack. I worried this was a pattern that would not go away. I added and subtracted and, with a knot in my stomach, acknowledged that it was impossible – we have too much debt and a large mortgage payment.

I called the clinic to get confirmation of Jack’s ANC. The nurse told me it was sitting at 690, which is fairly decent but not great. She asked how he was doing and then said, “Call us if he isn’t feeling better by the end of the week.”

I called the school and answered the question again. Then I drove to work, where I told a few more people that Jack wasn’t feeling well. I got a call from my sister in the afternoon, and I spoke to one of the care providers at Jack’s after-school program – both asked and I explained in that halting way.

Jack’s okay…mostly. I think. We’ll see.

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This post was inspired by Heather’s Just Write – an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments.

On The Mend

Today is my first day back at work after two and a half weeks of being off to care for Jack. I’m not gonna lie – it’s hard to come back to work. It’s hard not to have the option to nap some time during the day. But it’s also nice to be doing something that has nothing to do with my son’s health.

I am really glad the last two and a half weeks are behind us! A mystery illness causing febrile neutropenia, a hospital stay, tests galore, so many medications on a very rigid schedule…and so much boredom. There are only so many movies to watch and so many crafts to work on. We’ve watched Seasons 5-7 of Dr. Who several times over and Jack has either drawn or built several incarnations of the TARDIS.

Jack’s ANC recovered on Friday, so he was able to get off of the antibiotic he’d been on for two weeks, but then he was diagnosed with a bacterial infection called c. diff. It’s something that attacks a lot of patients who’ve been on antibiotics for a long time because antibiotics strip the good bacteria from the gut. So Jack started a new medication for that, in addition to restarting his chemo. Thankfully the new medication is not one that has to be given on a strict schedule so I am no longer getting up at 5 and 6 am. Yay!

And tomorrow Jack gets to start school! WOOHOO!

I’m excited for this school year. He’s starting relatively on time (this week will be the first homework week, so he hasn’t misses much) and his best friend is in his class this year. I met and spoke with his teacher last week and she is really great! We’re all more accustomed to the school/work/medications routine than we were when he started 1st grade, as well, so I think it will be a smoother year. I hope.

Now that Jack’s ANC is back up, he’s back on maintenance levels of chemo, and he seems totally fine, I’m feeling much less worried about him. I’m so thankful he’s on the mend and things are getting back to normal!