After posting a week and a half ago about PPD, I started to do some reading on the subject. I realized in my reading that things were a little worse than I had thought. I should have known, as I am having more trouble writing, sleeping, remembering basic things, and even just being myself. I am sure it sounds strange that after so many years of dealing with depression on and off, one could be depressed and not know it, but that’s probably why the illness is so nasty. It sneaks up on you gradually until one day you think, huh, things just aren’t right here.
I think one of the worst parts of my depression is the paranoia. This is almost crippling as it results in me not reaching out to my friends and family for fear that they will/do think poorly of me. I feel as if I show weakness, I will never be able to take it back and that is all everyone will ever see. Everything I say will always be suspect or somehow less credible. Quite counter-productive when I’m trying to get out of this fog.
My depression has morphed over the years. It used to involve sadless, listlessness, excessive sleep, and headaches. I think as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to ignore those feelings, so my symptoms morphed a bit. Paranoia, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion, loss of appetite, confusion are more likely to occur now. Worst of all, normal every day life is overwhelming and I often feel trapped.
Plans are still in place to get myself out of the house more and to exercise, but those things are kind of on the backburner until our household recovers from this nasty cold. Additionally, I’ve realized that these small steps may not be enough at this point, so I’ll be talking to my doctor.
For anyone else out there looking for information and anecdotes, I found ppdconnect extremely helpful.