I never wanted to be a single parent.  I certainly would never have chosen to have a baby on my own – I know what raising a child on your own is like because I was one of three kids my single mom raised.  It has always been very important to me that my child have two parents that contributed equally to raising him.  I didn’t plan for divorce and was convinced it wouldn’t be part of Jack’s life.  Somehow, things didn’t quite turn out the way I thought they would.  Surprising, huh?

To be honest, I’ve felt mostly like a single parent since Jack was born.  At first I thought it was an inherent thing that went along with breastfeeding.  Jack nursed so often and seemed so attached to me – how was it even possible to distribute his care evenly between parents?  Then I was the one washing all the bottles and diapers, cooking dinner, paying bills, putting Jack to bed every night, doing daycare duty, and waking up to comfort him in the middle of the night because I had a shorter commute to work and Joe needed to be rested for school…and I was first in line to take days off when he was sick since I got paid vacation days.  Then there were football Sundays and “I need to get out and hike while there is sun!” days.  I began spending my Sundays with those friends of mine who loved to distract Jack long enough for me to drink a cup of coffee.

When Joe and I went our separate ways, I was actually surprised at how little things changed.  It did free up 3 out of 7 nights of bedtime duty for me.  Other than that, I was still doing all the diaper laundry (until I said I would no longer wash the ones sent with him to his dad’s), responsible for daycare drop off and pick up, and I paid the daycare provider every month, in full, whether the 20% child support check came or not.  I’m still first in line to take a day off when Jack is sick or his daycare is closed; I don’t have the option to say “I can’t.”  So, even though Jack’s dad is very much in his life, I feel like a single parent the majority of the time.

I am sure I contribute to this dynamic in my life.  I always had trouble being assertive in my marriage and I still struggle with this.  I try to avoid conflict, and when it can’t be avoided all of the frustration comes out at one time and isn’t quite productive.  I have thus far avoided getting the state involved in any of the custody and child support issues because I know that Jack’s dad is a good person who is trying to do his best to care for his son.  I know he wishes he could do more and I don’t think it’s fair to cripple him with a wage garnishment order, for instance, when I’m able to make ends meet.

Still, I get tired and have days or weeks where I am at the end of my rope.  I get frustrated that, although I have the lion’s share of responsibilities toward Jack, the times I get to spend with him at home are at the whim of his father’s schedule.  I get upset at myself for ending up in this situation and I wonder if I made the right decisions along the way (did I do the best with the information I had at the time or was I delusional?).  I worry about whether it’s right to lean on David for help and how much responsibility for Jack’s care belongs to him since we live together in a committed relationship.

I know it’s common for parents to go through an adjustment period to figure out division of labor and responsibilities when a child comes into their lives.  Some couples figure out how to balance things and some couples do not.  It gets trickier when there is a divorce and additional parental figures involved; i.e., if I need to work late, who do I call for Jack’s care – the partner I live with or the father who sees Jack only two days a week?  I still don’t know the right answer but it seems to be up to me to figure it out…

7 thoughts on “Primary”

  1. Crys, this is very well-written. I’m glad that you were able to diplomatically put your feelings out there. This happens in all relationship, whether there are children or not involved. It was that way with me and ThEx and it will be with you this way with Jacks’ father, too.

    I commend you for *not* reaching out to use legal resources even when you could. You are proving to be a kind and caring adult about the situation, and until it is absolutely needed, I would keep doing what you are doing.

    This shouldn’t all be up to you, though – you do need to learn to assert yourself to be able to ask for what you need. Even if it’s in writing, asking for what you need from a partner (not your romantic partner, but your parenting partner, in this case) is important. We are all here for you as much as you need us, and you can let me know where you want help.

    I love you & Jack … and the David, too. 🙂

      1. I know that feeling. I was talking to my new counselor about that and it’s something we’re going to be working on. Fun times! *eyeroll*

  2. Sounds like you’re dealing with things the best you can. There’s a lot of us out here doing the same, so [hugs] and solidarity. All you can do is what you think is best for Jack.

  3. My husband and I are meeting with the mediator next week and it is phenomenally hard to come up with a good custody arrangement. It has also become clear to me that it is so hard to come up with a fair parenting agreement. I am sure that I will be the one to get their clothes, make the doctor’s appointments, etc. And, like you, part of me needs that-to be in control of what they eat and that they have warm jackets. But I need my soon-to-be-ex to step up to the plate as well. Best of luck to you as you find a system that works for you, now.

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