I don’t want to grow up.

“You suck at quitting,” David told me recently.  This was in response to my decision to go back to school…again.  I’m not even sure why I’m going back.  I haven’t made any goals related to school.  I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up.

I have too many interests and none that are passions.  I’m a bit flighty.  I’m highly distractible.  I’m impulsive and I am used to doing a million things at once.  So when the academic counselor called me up to ask if I wanted to re-enroll, I said yes.  When she asked what my goals were, I said I had none…

I’ve been an administrative assistant off and on for the past 11 years.  It’s what I know.  I’m fairly good at it and the field pays well.  It provides enough variety and busy work that the days pass pretty quickly.  With that said, it’s not all that family-friendly and it’s definitely not my dream job.  I don’t love it and the thought of doing this for the rest of my life is disheartening to me.  Still, I can’t think of a better alternative.

I’ve made several goes at school.  When I first enrolled in college, I was aiming for an IT degree.  I took one class and then quit when the dot-com bust occurred.  When I returned to school a couple years later, I aimed for a Psychology and Social Work degree.  I loved the subject matter but as for a job in the field?  Too stressful.  Then I figured I’d go for a Business/Finance degree since I always end up working in that area.  I thought since I couldn’t find my passion, I would just go with what came naturally.  I lost interest, though.  This time around?  I’m thinking Communications.  I do love to talk…

I feel stuck.  I am tired of waiting for inspiration to strike.  I’m not sure how to find my path.  I’m not even sure that it’s fair to go on this journey and take time away from my family when it may not lead anywhere.  But if I don’t figure out how to find my way in life, how am I going to teach my son to do it in his own?

5 thoughts on “I don’t want to grow up.”

  1. Good for you for wanting to go back to school. Study what interests you most and you’ll find a way to make a career out of it. Studying for a specific vocation will pigeonhole you and you don’t seem to be a person who would like that.

  2. Chris wants to go back to school to be a Crime Scene Photographer and I still want to go back to be a med assistant… It’s hard to chose, though, because you don’t know where you’ll be a good fit.

  3. I had similar goals and dropped them, then went to school just fulfilling typical liberal art requirements. Took economics, speech, biology, history, political science, even biofeedback — whatever random class would strike my fancy and fulfill requirements to transfer to UCSD from the community college system (I took classes at night while working full-time). I had to stop when I had Ava.

    I have primarily done project management and technical support, but I have also worked a lot doing customer support, both end-user and account management in software. I’ve had developers tell me I had a perfect mind for software programming , but when I took classes for it I discovered it was not for me. I’ve had a boss who mentored me who said I was perfect for management but I also don’t like a lot of the things that come along with that. Even in my youth, I was a Jane of all trades and a master of none. I could be a master if I wanted to, I guess, but I just haven’t found the thing I WANT to be a master of yet.

    Having a child has kind of opened up my mind about ways I can narrow this down, but now I feel like from a practicality standpoint, what I am already doing makes the most sense to stick with, because anything else would basically require me to start over and would significantly reduce my pay for a long while. If it gets to the point where I am so unhappy that I need to make that sacrifice, I would be willing to do it. But meh…tough stuff. I hope you find your calling 🙂

    1. I totally feel the same – thinking that it’s best to stick with what I’ve been doing since I’ve got like 10 years in the field and make good $. It’s just so not interesting!!!

  4. Well, most folks have 4 careers nowadays, right? ;D

    Could you start with one class at a time, trying GEs, and see if one grabs you?

    I was [so very] lucky enough to have Uni paid for by my parents, and found a passion through taking GEs. I’m not in that field now, having realized that I didn’t want to commit to academia at such a young age, but I may go for a Grad program when I’m older, possibly to be an interpreter. 😀

    Best Wishes! 😛

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