We had a good holiday. I missed Jack on Christmas day (he was with his dad in Washington) but we got to celebrate in our own way when he got back. Christmas day we hosted David’s sister, my sister’s family, and our friend Mike. It was our first time hosting Christmas dinner – with place mats and everything! – and it turned out pretty fabulous, if I do say so myself.

We rocked stockings this year. Our dog ate the stocking I had from childhood (two days before Christmas) and that was really sad. He also ate the stocking I had a friend create for David. Looks like we’ll be getting new stockings… In any case, it felt like a very grown up thing to be in charge of stockings in addition to the Christmas dinner. I was very much a mom, filling them with toothbrushes and hand sanitizer and such. (There were fun things, too, I promise.)

I got really depressed after the holiday was over. I wasn’t sure why at first (other than it’s December and it’s winter and I was tired) but upon thinking it over I realized a few things – the biggest of which is that my family is so small. I have David and Jack and then my sister who lives across the country. My mother is embroiled in her endless medical issues – in for tests every week and firing physicians left and right – and seems to be off on another planet. Spending time with my dad’s parents, while lovely, also underlined the fact that I don’t have a mom or dad to turn to these days. I am the grown up. How did THAT happen?

I then started feeling baby crazy. THAT was driving me mad because, holy cow, now is NOT the time! But despite the million reasons I could list why I didn’t want another kid right now, the little voice in my head and the ache in my chest wouldn’t go away. That just made me angrier – upset at my own biology, irritated at my brain grasping at straws in order to create connections that I seem to be missing.

I feel old. I feel like emotionally I’m being propelled into a reality that I shouldn’t be physically facing for another 15 years. Suddenly I’m worrying about older family members losing their minds as well as their fortitude, worrying about how many childbearing years I have left, and feeling as if I must have missed something in my 31 years. But when and where? My life thus far has been overwhelmingly full. Where is it that I could have possibly squeezed in one more thing? And didn’t I already have my midlife crisis?

Needless to say, the new year is here and I am unprepared. I’m doing what I always do – marching on as best I can – and hoping things fall in line. I just wish I could feel like I have more of a say in where that line is going and what tune is being played.

5 thoughts on “Unresolved”

  1. Yay! So glad Christmas dinner (and stockings!) went well! 🙂

    I think you just put into words what I’ve been chasing around my head, but haven’t been able to grasp. I had to do so much growing up when I was young, then somehow stunted myself by staying at home so long that I’ve felt like I’m just playing house, waiting to get caught. But things seem to have shifted recently leaving me feeling older physically than I do mentally, and I’m sitting here wondering when the hell I grew up. I feel like I missed a huge part of my childhood/teen years and, quite frankly, I’m feeling a little ripped off.


  2. Glad you had a good Christmas. I like stuffing stockings. We don’t do it for the adults, mostly because my husband would get an excellent stocking he wouldn’t appreciate and I would get … whatever I put into mine. Which is okay, but I’m not in the mood to get stuff for myself and act surprised.

    It is hard when you don’t feel like you have a say in what is happening in your own life. I felt like that much of last year and only now am finally feeling like I’m regaining a solid foothold. The next few weeks are going to be spent setting some new limits, making some apologies, and moving forward. Which is both good, and also bittersweet.

  3. Hurrah for great Christmas!
    I can relate a little, maybe in a different way, to feeling out of touch with age…I’ll be 35 soon, still haven’t ever had “the baby rabies”, but wonder if I will, and have a feeling that it may be too late if and when that shows up…but I’m okay with that. At least I am for right now. Still though, the path not taken is something that most people think about!

    I was a small grownup til about 15, then I learned how to be a teenager…and for the past many years, I’ve still felt like a twenty something. Which is mostly awesome, but when the HS friend has tweenage boys and the college friend has her firstborn turning 8, that’s a little mindfuggy. ;p

    & Even though my immediate family [well, sibling count] is kinda large, the overall number of family is pretty small. I got sad about that before my wedding, that my aunt couldn’t come, none of my cousins could come…I’m grateful that all my siblings were there, and my mom’s longest-time friend actually knew her before I was born, so that was awesome, but there was a little heartache about having such a tiny family! Especially when the man’s family filled three tables!

    Anyhow…Big hugs. We’ll have to do something sometime. 😉

  4. That so sounds like something my beasts would do–eat my stocking. I’m sorry. Yikes!

    It’s an odd time as we transition from the children to the adults. I’m 30 and have been grabbling it for a few years as my mom becomes a bit nuttier by the day. Sending love.

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