I don’t know what’s up with 2012. Really, it’s been a FUCKED UP year. In ORDER, I bring you the shit that hit from left and right:
January – Jack is diagnosed with Leukemia. Holy shit! There are just no words for this horror.
February – My mom has polyps removed from her colon. One is a rare form of muscle cancer, and another is pre-cancerous. Apparently my family has a history of colorectal cancer? Uhhhh…is this my life? (Thankfully, she doesn’t need chemo. Small blessings!)
I go skiing (trying for some stress relief), fall, and get a concussion and hurt my shoulder…
Our dog goes to the vet 3 times in 6 weeks due to weight loss, giardia, and worms. Holy vet bills, Batman!
March – We put in an offer on a house. While in escrow, we find out the house has black mold and is uninhabitable!
My brother really loses it and posts on Jack’s CaringBridge site the following awfulness: “You’re really shitty parents and don’t know how to take care of kids so they get sick and get cancer and your treatment sucks.” I cut ties with him when he stalks my Facebook and my friend’s blog…
May – We put in another offer on a house (the 6th one…) and it’s accepted. Then the appraisal comes back too low, which means the bank won’t finance it! We fight the appraisal and the bank revises it. We get a slightly cheaper house, but it takes more money out of our pocket. But we need that house, need to be done looking and need to be closer to Jack’s hospital, so we go for it.
June – One of our cars goes kaput. Since we have no money to fix it thanks to putting all our cash toward the house – not that the car is worth the cost to fix it – we do the only thing we can do and finance a new car with $0 down. Oof, that hurts. We had NOT planned on having two car payments.
Around Jack’s birthday in July, when we had to do a family-only event due to his lack of a sufficient immune system, I stopped keeping track of time. So I don’t honestly remember when it was that we paid over $800 in parking tickets, a $400+ “didn’t stop long enough at a red light before turning” ticket, a friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer…
Then there were more problems with my brother, my mom continued to have health problems (she is now only 10 lbs heavier than me – and still 6″ taller!) and there is still no explanation, and one of my Bandmates passed away unexpectedly just a few days ago.
I don’t even KNOW what to say about the various natural disasters and acts of violence that accentuate the year.
There is a certain amount of stress a person can take before the littlest things send them tipping. My tolerance has been tested this year and I feel beaten down. I don’t feel in control of much of anything these days. For months I’ve just wished for relief while I keep on working, paying bills, administering pills and medical care, and attempting to get enough sleep (which is a losing battle). I’ve gone on strike when it comes to making decisions – I’ve passed that duty onto David. It feels like I’m leaning on everyone around me and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the debt of gratitude that keeps building.
On Christmas day I found myself wishing to just have a quiet house with nothing to rock the boat. Social events take so much out of me now and it takes so long to recover. Not to mention that these events make it that much more difficult to keep Jack on an even keel.
In response, I’m turning into a hermit.
I’m hoping that 2013 is about healing. I hope that I can find in myself the ability to care about the little things again instead of worrying about the next big problem lurking around the corner. I would like a break from tragedy before I numb myself completely to avoid more heartache.
Please, Universe, let 2013 be better.