I haven’t been doing well. I don’t know exactly what is causing it (out of the many possibilities) but I’m depressed and struggling every day now. I’m worried about everything and when I’m not worried I find it hard to care at all. And I’m always very, very tired.
I think being on guard constantly – just waiting for something else to come up (because my life seems to always have something crazy waiting in the wings) and throw a wrench in the works – has taken its toll. Even small, relatively fixable things have me reeling. I think it’s just that there is always something – whether it’s Jack trying to stab himself in the eye or changes at work or an illness or some nut leaving a garbage bag full of weed trimmings outside our house (yeah – that happened this weekend)…it’s kind of like I’m in a boxing match and I should just stay down already because I’m just going to keep getting walloped if I stay in the fight.
I’m getting help. I’m going to a depression group to try to get back into the swing of self-care. Unfortunately even that is a bit depressing – during the first session I was singled out as having a reason to be ‘legitimately’ depressed and there were audible gasps when I admitted my kid has cancer. So yeah…my kid has cancer and that sucks and OF COURSE I’m depressed, right?
Except I can’t be! I need to work and keep up with the health insurance. I need to help Jack with his homework (it takes him extra effort to do the math portions) and administer medication and take care of my pets and various other chores. I can’t be depressed. I have to suck it up and get out of bed and get Jack to his appointments or school or to his dad on time. There is no time for depression! How dare it pay me a visit when I so obviously can’t entertain even a second of it!
I know I’m hard on myself. David tells me so. The doc I saw yesterday told me so. I know I’m depressed and instead of being nice to myself I sit there and tell myself that I shouldn’t be depressed – Jack is doing great! We have a house! We have jobs! We have a ton to be grateful for.
I need this depression to be over so I can get back to enjoying my life.
And I could use a few breaks here and there, too.