I have found moments of positivity in recent months, but those moments have typically been followed by frustration, depression, and anger. This week the anger is winning out big time…
Why am I angry?
I am angry because my body has betrayed me. Nearly every food I eat causes some level of allergic-type reaction – from swelling to stomach upset to confusion to fatigue to pain. Food has become my enemy. Every meal is stressful because I never know how I’ll feel after eating it. Will I get shooting pains in my ears? Will my stomach say NOPE? Will my eyelids swell? Will my throat constrict? Who knows…but there is not an option to not eat. So my diet is insanely limited and bland as hell and still I have problems randomly!
I am angry because not a single doctor is helping me to manage my health. Instead all of them offer variations on the same response: This seems systemic and I can’t help you. I’ve had to ask over and over again for various tests, do the research on what was causing my insanely long list of symptoms and then research how to treat them, and then ask my doctors to prescribe specific medications. I had to diagnose myself with MCAS. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. They should be telling me what is wrong with me and how to treat it! (Note: This is apparently par for the course with MCAS patients.)
I am angry because I had to go off of my antidepressant to determine if it was causing my never-ending sore throat. That anti-depressant was working pretty well, it turns out. So now I feel out of sorts and even more overwhelmed and I cry every.freaking.day (and I am not usually a crier).
And I am angry because my throat seems to have improved now that I’m off of the antidepressant, so that means it was part of the problem. So now I have to start the search for a new antidepressant all over again – along with added worries about possible reactions!
I am angry because I am tired or achey or swollen or nauseated or dizzy at any given time. And also hangry because I am afraid to eat! And all of this in spite of diligently taking a load of antihistamines, antacids, and digestive supplements daily. I am angry because that’s a lot of goddamned pills!
I am angry because I go into panic mode multiple times per week. Something triggers my body to react and then I have to make a mad dash to figure out what magical combination of meds will calm my body down so that I don’t end up in the ER. I panic because I have responsibilities – like taking care of my kids – and I have to figure out (quickly!) if I can afford to take Benadryl, which can knock me the hell out.
I am angry because MCAS has got to be one of the dumbest medical conditions out there. I am allergic to things that should be keeping me healthy and alive! WTF!
And I am tired. Tired of being sick and tired of being angry and tired of feeling hopeless.